Proud and Prejudiced
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Lily is struggling to deal with the death of her father. Ethan wants to support her - if only Lily would let him.
1. Chapter 1

_This story is for **.x** , who asked me to write a story about Lily and Ethan and gave me some great ideas. I've only written the first chapter, but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer. I'll try to update in the next few days. __I really hope it lives up to your expectations._

* * *

Lily stared hard at her locker and tried to convince herself she wasn't going to cry.

She couldn't. It would be inappropriate. It would be unprofessional. She'd managed to get through the entire working day without properly shedding a tear so she ought to be able to collect what she needed from her locker and go home without crying too. If she needed to cry, it could be done privately in her own home.

But telling Connie had stirred up her emotions and her tears. She needed all her strength to fight them back. Her hand shook as she brushed a tear away. No, she mustn't cry! She mustn't be so weak. He would hate that. It would be another sign that she wasn't good enough.

Lily took a deep breath and told herself she could stay calm. She willed her hand not to shake as she opened her locker door.

"Hi, Lily. Good shift?"

Lily froze. Of all the people who could have spoken to her, there were worse people than Ethan. His brother, for example. Or one of the nurses. Or Alicia. Lily was supposed to be Alicia's mentor and she'd shown far too much weakness in front of her already.

"Lily? Are you all right?" Ethan sounded anxious now. She could imagine him hovering just behind her, his eyebrows pulled together in a slight frown that would just be visible above his glasses.

"Nothing!" said Lily. She slammed the door shut and turned to face Ethan. "Nothing."

"Oh. I-I-I'm sorry," said Ethan. "I didn't mean… I thought… I'm sorry, Lily. My mistake."

He looked very awkward and embarrassed, his cheeks tinged with red. Lily told herself she didn't care, but it bothered her that she might have hurt Ethan's feelings. She'd long ago given up hope that he might marry her, but she didn't want to hurt him. He was a good doctor. A good man. He was proving that right now.

"No, I'm sorry," she choked out as the tears rose in her eyes again.

His brown eyes widened in surprise, then softened. "Would you like to sit down?"

"Why would I want to sit down?" said Lily, rather confused. "How would that make any difference to anything?"

"Well, I… it can help to sit down sometimes," said Ethan. "Take the weight of your feet."

"I can assure you the weight on my feet is not the problem," said Lily. It was more the weight on her heart and she just wanted to be alone. She didn't want Ethan fussing over her. Perhaps if he hadn't chosen that stupid little shop girl over Lily, things might be different, but he had chosen Honey. And look how well that had turned out.

Ethan continued to look worried. "Would you like to tell me what's wrong?" he asked in a soft voice. "You don't have to. Obviously, you don't have to. But I might be able to help."

"No," said Lily. "You couldn't help."

"Try me," said Ethan with a little smile. His voice was warm.

"No, you could not," said Lily with finality. "I… I have had some bad news. You cannot change bad news."

Ethan took a half-step towards her. He spoke hesitantly. "I'm very sorry to hear that, Lily. Is there anything I can do?"

"I just wanted…" began Lily, but she managed to stop herself. She couldn't say it. Not to Ethan. Not to anyone.

"Whatever you want, you can tell me," said Ethan, very gently.

He waited, but Lily said nothing. She lifted up her head, determined not to show weakness, but she couldn't meet Ethan's eye.

Ethan tried again, his voice still calm and patient. "Shall I make you a cup of tea?"

"What would tea do?" burst out Lily. Tea wouldn't bring her father back. Even if it could, nothing would make him say the words Lily so longed to hear. But she knew Ethan was only trying to help. "I mean, thank you for offering to make me tea. It would achieve nothing, but I know you meant it as a kindness. I just want…" She stopped. She wanted to leave. That was all she wanted. To go home.

She looked at Ethan again. He looked so kind. So concerned about her. "Lily, if there's anything you want to say: anything at all… well... you can say it," said Ethan. "You know it won't go any further."

Lily shook her head. It had been bad enough telling Connie. She couldn't tell Ethan too. But she began to speak, the words creeping unbidden to her lips. "My… I heard today… my mother told me… my father has died," said Lily. A wave of emotion rose in her throat. With an effort, she swallowed it down. She would not cry in her workplace. She would not.

For a moment, her sadness was reflected in Ethan's face. "Lily, I'm sorry. I really am so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do, you only have to ask."

"I need to go," said Lily. She knew he was being kind. She knew that he actually meant every word he was saying. But that made it worse. That made it harder to keep control.

"Of course," said Ethan. "I won't keep you any longer. Unless… can I offer you a lift home?"

Lily's first instinct was to refuse, but then she thought of making her own way home and how difficult it would be. She felt so tired. So drained. It would not be safe for her to drive home in her current emotional condition – and much as Lily had yearned for solitude moments earlier, she now found she didn't want Ethan to go. "Yes. All right. Thank you, Ethan."

"I'll just need you to bear with me for one minute," said Ethan, but she was grateful when he turned away because it gave her the chance to compose herself. She wondered if he'd known she needed that. She wiped quickly under her eyes and reminded herself that she was at work. Until Ethan had left her, she must and would be professional.

But it was so, so difficult when she knew she would never see him or hear his voice again.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for all the reviews, favourites and follows!_

 _I've just realised fanfiction doesn't allow me to post the username of the person I'm writing the story for, so I'll write it again now without full stops in. It's for MissWhitneyBex._

 **Tato** **Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you enjoyed the first chapter. Ethan is such a sweet person and he also knows Lily quite well so I can imagine him being really patient and not taking offence.

 **Tanith Panic** , I really like Lily, but I can understand why a lot of people don't so I'm glad I've managed to make her likeable. She was quite rude to Ethan in Chapter 1 so it's good to know I didn't go over the top with that. Thank you for your review.

 **MissWhitneyBex** , thank you for your review - and for asking me to write it in the first place! I really am so glad you like the story so far. I hope you'll like this chapter too.

 **CBloom2** , I think a lot of people would be completely heartbroken if Ethan ever stopped being such a gentleman! Thank you for your review - I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

 **theverystuffoflife** , thank you for your review - it really is kind of you to say that. I'm very happy you like the way I write Lily. She is a very interesting character to write about because she is so complex.

* * *

They didn't talk much on the way home. Lily wasn't sure if that was due to Ethan's awkwardness or his sensitivity, but either way, she was grateful for his silence. She didn't want to have to pretend to be happy when she wasn't… though that thought confused her because Lily never did pretend to be happy. Happiness was unprofessional. She was too focused, too driven to let such an emotion into her working life.

Her goal in life was to be _successful_ , not happy.

And now it would never happen. Not in the way she had always dreamed.

"Lily, we're here." Ethan's voice was soft, almost a whisper as though he was trying not to disturb her thoughts.

Lily knew what she had to do now. She must get out of the car and go into the flat.

But she didn't move. Even the simple act of releasing her seatbelt seemed too much. She was so exhausted with the effort of pretending everything was all right. Nothing was all right. Nothing would ever be all right again.

He'd died knowing she'd failed him.

"Lily…" To her great surprise, Ethan's hand touched hers.

Lily turned slowly to look at him. He looked concerned and caring. His hand curled gently around her own.

"Lily, I just wanted to say – well, actually, I think I've said this already, but I'll say this again. If you ever want to talk or just spend some time with a friend, perhaps studying or watching a film or something, all you have to do is phone me. Or text me. Or email me. Or speak to me at work. I know how difficult it is and I'll always be here if ever you need help."

Lily tore her hand from his. "Don't tell me you know how I feel! How could you possibly know how I feel?"

"I… I'm sorry." Ethan looked flustered and for a horrible moment she thought he'd give up on her. He moved his hand slowly back to his lap. "I'm sorry, Lily." His voice was calmer now. "You're right. I can't possibly know what you're feeling. All I meant was I know how I felt when my mother died. How difficult it was sometimes to keep going. How lonely it felt."

"But you had Cal," said Lily.

Ethan shook his head. "Cal never supported me. But that's all right. We weren't close then and he had enough to do dealing with his own feelings."

"I think it can be more lonely sometimes when someone is there," said Lily, surprising herself. "When someone is there to support you but you know that no matter how much you need them, they won't say what you most need to hear, that is true loneliness."

"I think you're absolutely right," said Ethan.

There was an intensity in his voice that surprised Lily. She examined his face. It seemed calm, but then she looked deeply into his eyes and saw the pain there. He closed his eyes for a moment and then the pain was gone.

"But you and Cal, you're getting on better now," said Lily. The turn the conversation had taken surprised her. One moment, he had been trying to comfort her. Now she felt as though she was the one offering support.

"Oh, yes." Ethan looked slightly startled. "I'm sorry, Lily: you've had such a difficult day and I'm keeping you. Unless you want to talk, of course. If you want to talk, then I'm here."

Lily thought about it. The idea of talking seemed less impossible now, after Ethan's kindness. She'd always been aware of their similarities. Perhaps he would understand when nobody else could.

But she didn't think so.

"No. Thank you, Ethan. I must go." Lily paused. "But I… I'm glad I... saw you today."

Ethan smiled: a gentle, respectful smile. "I'm glad too, Lily."

* * *

The alarm seemed to go off just when Lily was finally getting to sleep. She reached for her clock and considered pressing the snooze button: something she'd never done before, but she knew it would do no good. Five minutes more sleep would change nothing.

She got out of bed, showered, got dressed, and ate some breakfast. She made no conscious effort to do any of these things. All she could think of was her father and the fact she'd never see him again. She'd never have the chance to put right what she – and more importantly, he – considered a wrong.

She finished her breakfast and sipped her coffee, but she could hardly taste it. She tried to feel reassured by the fact she obviously could function on autopilot, which might prove useful when she got to work, but she felt nothing at all. Nothing but sadness, regret, loss and guilt.

There was an ache in the back of Lily's throat, but she knew she mustn't cry. She had to be at work soon. But the whole idea of going to work as usual and possibly saving other people's fathers made her feel more depressed than ever. She pushed her coffee away and buried her face in her hands. She'd allowed herself to cry last night when Ethan had gone, but she knew she couldn't cry now.

She had to go to work and display no weakness. Her father never liked her to take days off. She remembered the time she'd fainted at work and taken some time off. She hadn't meant to tell him because she knew her weakness would bother him, but he'd asked how work was going and faced with the choice of explaining or lying to him, she'd told him she'd been forced to take time off. He had been so disappointed with her.

Lily felt a few tears falling. She brushed them away and told herself to stop. This was not the way she'd been brought up to behave.

When the text message arrived, Lily didn't want to look at it. It was probably an email from her service provider, offering her the chance of free texts after she'd sent her first 200 in a month. Offers that would be appreciated by those with friends but only seemed to mock Lily in her loneliness. But there was a small chance it might be from someone at the ED so she couldn't ignore it. Her eyes filled with tears again when she saw it was from Ethan. She had to wipe her eyes again in order to read it.

 _Hi Lily, I won't ask you how you are because I always found that a difficult question to answer. It felt disloyal to say I was all right and unprofessional to admit that I wasn't. But I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you ever want to talk. If you do feel able to work today, I hope you'll allow me to give you a lift. Ethan x_

Lily frowned slightly at the kiss, but everyone except Lily seemed to use kisses now. She'd actually thought Ethan didn't either, but perhaps he'd changed.

Or perhaps he…

No. No, definitely not. Of course he didn't.

Lily didn't send many text messages because she had no-one to text. Those she did send tended to be brief and work-related. Ethan's message, she felt, called for something a little different. He'd been kind to her. Very kind.

Her fingers hovered over the keys on her phone. She began to type.

 _Hi Ethan, thank you for your text message. I am sufficiently 'all right' to work. I would like a lift, please, if it's not too much trouble. Lily_

Or did that sound abrupt? Lily didn't mean it to sound abrupt, but it was a complaint often levelled against her when all she was doing was being professional.

But this wasn't a professional text message, she reminded herself. It was friendly.

How did friends write to one another?

Lily tried to think, but she'd never really had a friend. She'd always been too busy.

If she put the kiss in, would that make it all right?

Lily didn't know. She didn't know anything. Her heart was aching. All she knew was that, in her life, she'd tried to impress two men: her father and Ethan. She'd failed with both.

Why was this so difficult? It was just a text message. When she was at work, she made life-or-death decisions every day. There were often two or three different options and she made these decisions quickly and easily. But the question of whether to put a kiss in her text message to Ethan was tearing her apart.

She was still agonising over it when there was a knock at her door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review and for sharing a bit about what happened to you. It's a bit outside my experience so it's helpful to know I'm not getting it wrong. I think Ethan is just a great person! I'm sure he'll be a great listener if Lily trusts him enough to open up.

 **Tanith Panic** , I suppose the people who push us provoke the strongest reactions - and one of the strongest emotions is love. I hope Ethan can help Lily relax, but she's probably never relaxed in her life. Thank you for your review!

 **CBloom2** , Ethan always does seem to be lovely! I might even find it annoying if he wasn't so... well, lovely. Thank you for your review!

 **theverystuffoflife** , I agree with you - I really love the patience Ethan has for everyone except Cal! He always did seem very understanding of Lily until she took against Honey. Thank you for your review!

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review - I'm really glad I've been able to bring Lily's sadness across. Lily does need to let go... if only she can!

 **xMissWhitneyBexx** , you could be right! Read on and you'll find out. Thank you for your review - I'm really glad you're enjoying it.

 **fiveby10eighty3** , I've always sympathised with Lily as I have problems socially too, but I've also always understood why a lot of people wouldn't like her. But I'm glad you're starting to like her a bit now. Thank you for your review!

* * *

Ethan was standing in the doorway. He looked as though he hadn't slept, but he was smiling. "Hi, Lily. How are you feeling?"

"Ready to work," said Lily firmly.

"Excellent," said Ethan, though he did look a bit worried. "I'm sorry I didn't want for your answer to my text. Cal is… he's quite stressed this morning and I was quite glad to get out of the house. Well, if I'm honest, he actively encouraged me to leave. We've had quite an eventful night."

"I'm sure that happens often when you live with Cal," said Lily distastefully. "I assume he brought a girl home with him."

Ethan laughed a bit shakily. "Well, actually, yes, he did – though not in the way you think." He yawned. "Sorry, Lily."

Something of his condition penetrated the fog of Lily's mind. "Ethan, did you have any sleep at all? I'm really not sure you should be working, but come in and I'll make you a coffee."

"Thanks," said Ethan. He followed Lily into the living room and sat on the sofa.

"Does Cal even know her name?" said Lily, more because she felt she ought to say something than because she cared.

"Well… actually… no," said Ethan, through another enormous yawn. "But it's not what you think. I'll give you the condensed version because I know you've got enough to think about at the moment. Did you ever meet Cal's girlfriend Taylor?"

Lily shook her head blankly. She'd seen Cal with so many girls.

"Well, she's a con-artist and she's just had a baby," said Ethan. "She's not sure who the father is, but she gave her to Cal and then disappeared. So now we have an as-yet-unnamed baby girl and we've spent the whole night working out how to heat up milk and change nappies."

"I see," said Lily. "I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner. I'll go and make your coffee."

She went into the kitchen, switched the kettle on and leaned against the counter for a moment, her eyes closed. She didn't know why the news about Cal affected her so much, but it reminded her that once she'd been the baby girl in her father's arms, thrown into a new world she couldn't begin to understand, utterly dependent on her parents.

For some reason, Lily felt a bit like that now. She had no father, but that was enough to make the world seem different and strange. Part of her raison-d'être had vanished, leaving her cut adrift, abandoned, no longer sure of anything.

She was a doctor because that was what had father had always wanted, but what did _Lily_ want?

Did that even matter?

She realised the kettle had boiled and quickly made the tea. She returned to the living room to find Ethan stretched across the sofa, fast asleep. Lily stood and watched him for a moment. It was clear to her that he was in no condition to work, but although the shadows under his eyes remained, some of the stress and worry had been smoothed from his face as he slept.

Lily crept closer. She knew from experience what a bad idea it was to fall asleep in glasses. She knelt beside him and leaned in close. She wasn't sure she'd ever been this close to him before: at least, not to his face. She saw the smoothness of his skin; the triangle of three moles on his cheek that somehow seemed to pinpoint the perfect place to kiss him. She breathed in the scent of his cologne, wondered briefly if it was shampoo, then found herself moving her nose closer to his hair to make sure.

It must be his cologne for his hair smelled different: lovely, sweet, fresh… but manly. He looked… he looked…

Lily suddenly realised what she was doing and drew back from him. Now her senses were no longer being assailed so strongly, she was able to remember her original purpose. She reached for his glasses and felt her fingers brush his skin, then his hair.

She trembled violently and the movement disturbed Ethan. He opened his eyes to see Lily's face and although his deep brown eyes filled with surprise, he looked far from unhappy and there was a smile on his face.

Lily's eyes were drawn to his lips and she felt herself moving closer, her hands in his hair, and…

…and then she remembered.

Her father had died. She was in mourning. This was not the correct way to behave.

She sat back on her heels and tried to speak through her confusion. "I... I was trying to take your glasses off…"

"Oh, I see," said Ethan. His voice sounded strange, but that was probably because he'd been asleep. "Thank you, Lily. Falling asleep in glasses is never a good idea." He frowned slightly as he sat up and looked around him. "What happened? What am I… did we…" A look of comprehension came into his eyes. "Oh, I remember now. I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's all right," said Lily. "You explained you were seeing to the baby all night."

"Spending the night trying to comfort a crying baby isn't easy," said Ethan with an awkward laugh. "Especially not when he's your big brother. Not that I blame Cal at all - it's understandable that he's emotional after everything that's happened - but the actual baby is an angel in comparison."

 _And so are you_ , Lily couldn't help thinking. It wasn't just his looks. The poor man had hardly slept and he looked very worried about Cal, despite the jokes, but he'd still taken the time to support a bereaved colleague.

He really was an angel.

Their eyes locked again.

"Lily…" said Ethan huskily.

"I… I made you some coffee!" said Lily, and went to get it.

Ethan sat up and accepted it gratefully. "Thanks, Lily."

Lily stood and watched him drink it. "I don't think you should be working today. You're too tired."

Ethan gave her a sweet smile. "I don't really have much choice. Cal is staying at home with the baby – or staying at home ill, as I've got to tell Mrs Beauchamp." He sighed wearily and pushed his hands through his hair.

"You shouldn't lie for him," said Lily. "Cal should not need you to solve his problems for him."

"This problem is too big for Cal to deal with on his own," said Ethan. His eyes looked into Lily's for a moment. "Some problems are. Sometimes even the strongest people need support."

Lily knew what he meant. "I don't need support," she said.

Ethan looked doubtful, but then he smiled. "Of course not. I shouldn't presume." He had some more of his coffee. "I'm sorry: in all the excitement, I forgot to ask you. Would you like a lift to work today?"

"I'm not sure you should be working," said Lily.

"I'm not completely sure you should be either," said Ethan. "But we're both alike in that way. Our sense of responsibility is very strong."

Lily nodded. "Yes. It is."

Ethan yawned again. "Excuse me, Lily. So, assuming we can't persuade each other to take the day off, would you like a lift to work?"

"That would be very kind, Ethan," said Lily.


	4. Chapter 4

**fiveby10eighty3** , thank you for your review. I've only been a Casualty fan for about six months - I think I'd seen about five episodes when I posted my first fanfic! I'm really happy you're enjoying this story. There are loads of brilliant stories on this site.

 **Tanith Panic** , I wasn't sure whether to include the baby storyline or not as it's likely to impact on this story a lot and take the focus away from Lily's grief, but it is interesting to see Ethan's family gain a member as Lily's family loses one. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , Ethan makes me feel all sorts of things! But 'warm inside' is definitely one of them. He's so sweet and caring. It's a shame Ethan and Lily haven't had many scenes together in the episodes as I'm sure Ethan would be very supportive. Thank you for your review.

 **xMissWhitneyBexx** , I'm glad you liked Ethan falling asleep! I don't want Matilda to be too much of a distraction from what you asked me to write, but I wanted to base it in 'reality' as much as possible. Thank you for your review!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. It is typical of Ethan to worry more about others than himself - it's one of the reasons why we love him! He probably genuinely believes it's more difficult for everyone else than for him and perhaps it is, but that doesn't mean it's easy for him!

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. They are good for each other and perhaps we'll see it more in the series now Honey's gone. I thought about ignoring the baby storyline, but I love the baby storyline and I think it's better if Ethan has something going on in his life too.

* * *

Alicia came bouncing up to Lily, a smile on her face and her ridiculous pink hair flying. "Morning, Lily!"

"Good morning, Dr Munroe," said Lily coldly and turned away.

To her horror, she felt Alicia's hand on her arm. "Lily, are you okay?"

Lily removed Alicia's hand. "Why would I not be?"

"You don't look very well," said Alicia, concerned. "Either that or you've been crying."

Lily glared at her. She'd applied her make-up carefully and was sure there was nothing to see. "I hope your diagnoses will be more accurate when we start work, Dr Munroe. Otherwise, I am concerned for our patients."

She turned away and pretended to be busy looking through some files, though in reality, she took in nothing. For a moment, she considered going to Connie and saying she was unable to be Alicia's mentor due to her personal problems, but she dismissed the idea at once. Her father would have been ashamed that she'd even considered such a thing.

"Dr Chao," said Alicia. "I know we're mentor and mentee, not friends. But if there is ever something wrong, you know you can talk to me?"

Lily closed the file she was looking at with a snap. "Yes, Alicia. There is something wrong and I will tell you about it."

Alicia smiled encouragingly. "Should we go somewhere more private?"

"No," said Lily. "I have nothing to hide. Dr Munroe, what is wrong is that you are trying to pry into my personal business. I do not find this acceptable behaviour. We have a working relationship but that is all."

Hurt flashed briefly into Alicia's eyes, but then she nodded. "Of course, Dr Chao. I understand."

She moved away and Lily realised Ethan was standing behind them, a concerned look on his tired face. His eyes met Lily's and he went over to her. "Lily, can I have a word?" he said, very quietly.

Lily appreciated his discretion, but she could guess what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it. She set her lips and tried to look coolly at Ethan – which wasn't easy when he looked so worried about her.

"Please?" said Ethan softly.

Not even Lily Chao could resist a plea like that. Ethan led her away from the nurses' station and into a quiet corner.

"Lily, are you sure you're all right?" he said, still quietly. "I do agree with you that Alicia was perhaps overstepping the boundaries a little bit. She should have accepted that you didn't want to talk and left it at that. But…" He looked adorably helpless. "I don't want to upset you, Lily. Especially not now. But don't you think, perhaps, your reaction to Alicia – although completely understandable, of course – was a little, well, uncalled-for?"

"If it's 'understandable', how can it be 'uncalled-for'?" said Lily.

Ethan smiled a little bit. "Well, there are times when I want to punch Cal and I think anyone who knows how annoying he is would understand . But he really would have to do something terrible in order for me to act on those feelings."

Then his eyes caught Lily's and she knew they were both thinking the same thing: of the time when Ethan had punched Cal… for Lily.

"I didn't punch Alicia," said Lily.

"No, but I think you might have… well… hurt her feelings," said Ethan apologetically.

"If she is easily hurt, she should not be in this job," said Lily.

Ethan looked awkward. "Well, yes: I can see what you mean. But… no. No, I'm sorry. Alicia is your mentee and I shouldn't interfere. All I ask…" He looked at her for a moment.

"Yes?" Lily's voice was almost a whisper.

"All I ask is that you look after yourself, Lily," said Ethan seriously. "Give yourself the same care and consideration that you would give to any colleague in your situation."

Lily lowered her eyes. "I did not show you care and consideration."

"Didn't you?" Ethan looked genuinely confused. "Oh, you mean when my mum… But that was different, Lily. You didn't know what had happened. As far as you knew, I was just an inattentive colleague. You barely knew me: you couldn't even have known it was out of character."

"I really am sorry about that," said Lily in a low voice.

Ethan smiled. "I know you are, Lily. Thank you. Now please don't worry about it anymore. Think about yourself now. And if there's anything I can do, you know where to find me."

* * *

It might have been all right if Alicia really had taken the hint – or rather Lily's very clear instruction to leave her alone – but she didn't. At first, she made no further reference to Lily's situation, but Lily caught her on several occasions watching her with a concerned expression on her face. Lily didn't really see how she could object to Alicia's face, though it was annoying her more every time she looked at it, but she became icier and icier in her attempts to convince Alicia that her concern was both unnecessary and unwelcome.

"Are you sure you're okay, Dr Chao?" said Alicia as they left Resus following a successful treatment of anaphylaxis, which Lily knew would look great in Alicia's portfolio because Alicia had said so on five separate occasions.

"Why would I not be all right?" said Lily.

Alicia gave her another concerned look. "How about we take a break now, Lily?"

Lily caught Alicia's arm and swung her to face her. "Dr Munroe. If you want to get anywhere in medicine, you will have to change your attitude. I have noticed this in you before. You don't seem to understand the seriousness of what you're doing. We have dealt with a serious situation and all you can think about is your next break."

"I don't need a break, Lily," said Alicia. "But I think you might. You haven't been yourself all day. You just tried to give the patient corticosteroids for refractory bronchospasm even though you knew from his notes that he was taking anticoagulants. If I hadn't mentioned it-"

"If I want your input, I shall ask for it," said Lily.

Alicia's face was earnest. "I just don't think you'd make those kind of mistakes unless there was something seriously wrong, and if you are making those mistakes, then you're putting the patients at risk."

"Oh, what do you know about anything?" exploded Lily. "You come in here with your smiles and your pink hair, expecting to be friends with everybody. Well, it does not work with me. I find you artificial, irritating and frankly, I don't know how you got through medical school because if you do have an ounce of intelligence, you hide it very well. If you have a problem with my work, then go to Mrs Beauchamp and request a new mentor. Or on second thoughts, perhaps I will do it for you. I wouldn't want to cut into your precious breaktime!"

She stormed away, but as soon as she reached the staff room, she stopped as a wave of shock went over her. She staggered to the nearest seat, relieved to find the staff room empty. She didn't want anyone to walk in and find her trembling from head to foot.

Lily could feel tears rising in her eyes and did her best to fight them back, but they forced their way out between her closed lids and streamed down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands, her chest aching with every sob. The fact that someone might come in at any moment was no longer a concern. She could think of nothing but the deep ache inside her; the sense of loss; the feeling of having worked her whole life for nothing.

Alicia would complete her portfolio and go on to have the life she dreamed of, but Lily would not.

She _could_ not.


	5. Chapter 5

**xMissWhitneyBexx** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you're enjoying the story and that you have sympathy for both Lily and Alicia. I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

 **Tanith Panic** , Alicia didn't deserve Lily's reaction, but what is normal friendship for Alicia is completely overstepping the boundaries for Lily. Thank you for your review!

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review. This is the first time I've written Ethan with Lily - partly because there are so many other writers who do it brilliantly - but they do seem very well-suited.

* * *

"…Lily?"

Lily gasped and swung to face the speaker. She hadn't heard anyone come in. All she'd heard were her own anguish.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," said Ethan. He looked very concerned. "Are you all right? No, I'm sorry. That's a stupid question. I can see you're not all right."

"I'm perfectly all right," said Lily, and started sobbing again.

"No-one would expect you to be all right," said Ethan in a gentle voice.

Lily wanted to stop crying, but she couldn't fight the waves and waves of emotion anymore. She didn't deserve Ethan's kindness. She didn't deserve anything.

"Is there anything I can do?" said Ethan.

Lily sniffed and shook her head. She didn't even bother to say she was fine this time.

"Well, no: I can't blame you for that," said Ethan. "I'm really not the best when it comes to comforting people. But I could go and find someone for you if you wanted. Like Al- I mean, like…" Ethan paused. "Robyn or Rita."

The hesitation made Lily cry even more. Ethan hadn't known what to say because there wasn't anyone. Lily had no close friends at the hospital. Alicia was the only person – apart from Ethan - who had even tried to show Lily friendship recently.

"Or Zoe?" suggested Ethan, almost desperately.

Lily shook her head. "Nobody would want to. You are the only person who doesn't hate me."

"I'm sure that's not true," said Ethan. "But I certainly don't hate you and I'll help all I can. I just thought maybe other people might be better at it. But if there's anything I can do, anything at all - even if it's just sitting with you and listening - I really would like to help, Lily."

Lily dabbed her tears. "I don't know if anyone can."

"You might be right," admitted Ethan sadly. "Sometimes it just takes time and there's nothing anyone can do. But I'm here, Lily, and if there's anything I can do that helps even a little bit… I'll go away and give you some space if that's what you want."

"I… I don't want you to go away," said Lily in a quiet voice. She didn't know if Ethan could help her or not, but the idea of him leaving filled her with despair .

"Then not even Mrs Beauchamp herself could drag me away," said Ethan firmly.

Lily doubted this was true, but she appreciated the sentiment. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Lily." Ethan paused. "Shall I make you some tea?"

Lily shook her head. There was something she wanted and needed: something which had never been part of her life and which she'd barely ever been aware of wanting or needing before. She took a deep breath; panicked; doubted; but didn't give up. "Ethan, would you… would you…"

"Yes, of course," said Ethan at once. "Of course, I don't actually know what you're asking me, but unless you're asking me to go up to Mrs Beauchamp and stick my tongue out and waggle my fingers in my ears, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to do it."

"Would you… would you…" said Lily, her courage almost failing again. "Would you… hug me?"

Ethan blushed, but he didn't hesitate. "Of course," he said, as he wrapped his arms tightly around Lily. "There."

Lily's head fell naturally onto his shoulder and she cried some more, but it felt different this time. She felt Ethan first patting her back rapidly and a bit too hard, but then he seemed to relax a bit and she felt his hand moving comfortingly up and down her back.

"It will get easier," said Ethan gently.

Lily found it easier to speak when she was in his arms and not having to meet his eyes. "When does it get easier?" Lily's eyes filled again.

Ethan's hand left her back and then very softly touched her hair. "I don't know, Lily. I wish I could tell you. When you're working through something difficult like this, all you want is a sign that things will be better soon."

"I don't like what it does to me," confessed Lily. "I know I'm not a nice person. I know-"

"Of course you're a nice person!" exclaimed Ethan.

"-I know that not many people like me," continued Lily.

"I like you very much."

"But I believe I have always done my work well," said Lily, ignoring the way her heart turned over at Ethan's words because she knew it couldn't be true. "Although I have never been friendly towards my colleagues, I hope that, for the most part, I have always had a good working relationship with them."

Ethan squeezed her tighter for a moment. "You have an excellent working relationship with me. Even Mrs Beauchamp and Dylan seem to like working with you - and they certainly don't always enjoy working with me!" I know you find Alicia not the easiest person to get on with, which is understandable considering you have such different working methods, and she can certainly be a bit… overinterested at times. But she really likes and admires you." Ethan seemed to be smiling. "So I can only refute your claim that not many people like you."

Lily felt warm all over at his words. But perhaps it wasn't just his words. A moment ago, his embrace had just seemed comforting and natural, but now she was aware of every inch of the arms holding her and the way she was pressed against him. She felt him stroke her hair tentatively and shivered as one finger touched the bare skin at her neck.

"Sorry," said Ethan and let go, a faint tinge of red on his cheeks."Sorry. Um… anyway… what was I saying? Oh, yes. I like you, Lily."

Lily shivered again, but Ethan carried on with:

"Lots of people like you."

Lily felt the blood rushing to her own face. She didn't know what she was doing, having such feelings about Ethan when he was comforting her. When she was supposed to be in mourning.

But she couldn't look away from him. His eyes looked a deeper brown than ever and all she could do was stare into them.

"I-I-I-I'm sure Alicia doesn't like me!" In a state of panic now, Lily blurted out the first thing that came into her head.

She regretted it immediately.

"Has there been another… exchange of views?" said Ethan.

Lily now found it was easy to look away from him. "She tried to get me to tell her what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to tell her anything. But I was upset and angry and I felt out of control. I said things to her I should not have said."

Ethan nodded understandingly. "That's not really surprising, Lily. You're so fragile at the moment – as anyone would be: I was certainly fragile and so was Cal – and I think Alicia struggles a bit with knowing when she needs to back off."

"I… I told her she was stupid and her attitude and her hair were wrong," said Lily, beginning to cry again.

Ethan's face didn't change. "Well, she's not as intelligent as you – I'm not sure anyone is, except perhaps Mrs Beauchamp; she does need to work on boundaries and although I would be very grateful if you didn't mention this to anyone, I am a bit surprised that pink hair is allowed in the ED."

Lily looked up at him, hardly able to believe what he was saying.

"Lily, it would have been better if you hadn't said that, but this is a very emotional, stressful job," said Ethan. "We all say things we don't mean sometimes. And when we have personal problems, it's always going to affect our work because we're human. I wasn't at my best when my mum died and neither was Cal. Nobody could expect you to be at your best now."

Lily dabbed her eyes. "I hope I have not hurt Alicia's feelings. I do want her to maintain a certain distance, but I don't want her to feel upset."

"Of course you don't," said Ethan. "But I'm sure that if you explain that you're going through a difficult time at the moment, she will understand."

"I don't want to tell her that!" said Lily. "It is none of her business."

"Okay: that's fine," said Ethan. "It is very personal, Lily, and you have no obligation to tell anyone. But perhaps you could consider taking some time off. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to work when you were so…"

Some of Lily's feelings must have shown on her face; Ethan's voice trailed away.

"That's exactly what he'd want!" said Lily.


	6. Chapter 6

**CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I think it would take a lot to make Ethan give up on Lily. He never quite gives up on Cal, despite everything Cal's done to him.

 **Tanith Panic** , I love Alicia's pink hair - and I'm sure she'd love mine! It's just Lily who hates it! Ethan is just surprised Connie allows it. Someone definitely needs to get through to Lily - but it needs to be exactly the right type of person. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. Lily really needed a hug, but neither of them are usually physically affectionate so I'm glad I managed to bring the awkwardness across.

* * *

Ethan looked confused. "I'm sorry, Lily: I don't think I quite understand. What is it your father would want?"

"He would want me to continue with my work," said Lily.

"Perhaps most of the time: yes," said Ethan. "But when you're grieving…"

"He always wanted me to do the right thing to get as far as I can in my career. He wanted me to be a consultant and to spend every minute working to achieve this." Lily's throat was tight with tears again. "All my life, I only ever did what he wanted. And it was never enough."

"I'm sure that's not true – though of course I couldn't possibly know – but I suppose I felt a bit like that too," said Ethan. "I was really lucky to have my mum's support, but I really wanted her to see me become a consultant." He spoke sadly. "And she never did."

Lily felt the tears falling silently down her cheeks. She was unsure if she was crying for herself or for Ethan.

"I'm sure he was proud of you, Lily," said Ethan. "I'm sure he knew your potential and knew it would happen, even if he didn't get to see it."

"How can you possibly know that?" snapped Lily. "How can you possibly know what he felt? Did you hear the things he said to me?"

"No, of course not," said Ethan awkwardly. "Sorry, Lily. Am I saying the wrong thing? I really am trying to help."

Lily sniffed and tried to mop her tears up. "I know."

"Here." Ethan handed her another tissue and gave her a moment before he spoke again. "Lily, would you like to tell me how you think your father felt? You don't have to, of course. Only if it would help."

Lily wasn't sure she did want to tell Ethan. She didn't think he'd understand. How could he, when his mother had always been so proud of him? It was too far outside his experience.

But his eyes were so warm and sympathetic.

"He wasn't proud of me," she said.

She paused, expecting Ethan to disagree, but he didn't. He put his hand over hers and squeezed gently.

"He always wanted me to be a consultant," said Lily. "That was what he wanted and that's what would have made him proud." Her eyes blurred with tears again. "Or that's what I always thought. Perhaps he wouldn't have been proud even then. Being a consultant might not have been enough. It's possible he'd always have wanted more."

Ethan waited silently, still holding her hand.

"When I heard I'd passed my registrar exams, I phoned him," said Lily with a hiccup in her voice. "I wasn't a consultant yet, but I was closer than I had been. I thought he'd be glad I was closer. I knew it wasn't likely he would actually be proud, but… I let myself hope." A tear ran down her face.

Ethan moved closer and put his arm around her.

"He didn't care that I was a registrar," said Lily as she wiped the tear away. "He just wanted to know why it took me so long to get there and when I would be able to take the exams to become a consultant."

She heard Ethan breathe in. Perhaps from anyone else, it would have been a gasp.

"I was very hurt," said Lily. "I tried not to be. I try not to let emotions overpower me. They are not helpful to me as a doctor or as a person."

Ethan squeezed her hand. "Lily, I can understand why you were hurt. I would have been too. Emotions aren't always helpful, but everyone has them and you've got no reason to be ashamed of that."

"I… I don't know," said Lily uncertainly. "He would not agree with that."

"It's what you agree with that matters – but it's probably not the best time for you to think about that," said Ethan. "It's hard to know what you think and what you want at the moment, especially as it keeps changing. What happened the next time you spoke to your dad?"

"I did not speak to him after that," said Lily. "He phoned me, but I ignored him. I was angry. My mother phoned me a few times and I answered her calls. A couple of times, he called me from her phone and I hung up."

Lily's pain seemed to be reflected in Ethan's eyes. "But you did speak to him before…"

"No, I did not," said Lily. "The… the argument was the… the last time…"

Ethan put his arms around Lily as she started to cry again. This time, she made no attempt to fight it. She clung to Ethan and sobbed out some of her sadness and guilt. Ethan said nothing, but his hug was firm and his hand was gentle when he lifted it to stroke her hair.

"Oh my God! Lily, what's wrong?"

Lily froze in Ethan's arms. She had heard nobody enter. Perhaps she was crying too hard.

She wouldn't have wanted to see anyone now, but especially not Alicia.

"Oh! Hi, Alicia," said Ethan. "Lily and I are… attempting to perform a role play in the hope of... of honing my… my bedside manner. Lily is extremely good, isn't she? I am almost in tears listening to her."

Alicia's voice filled with awe. "She's brilliant! Do you mind if I watch? It feels so real."

"Oh, um, I really don't think I could do it in front of an audience," said Ethan.

Lily wanted to stop crying, but she couldn't. It had been bad enough knowing that her father would never be proud of her, but now she realised he might have died thinking she hated him.

Her anguish swelled, and with it her sobs.

"Oh, wow, Lily!" said Alicia. "You should be an actress, not a doctor!"

Lily felt rather than saw Ethan flinch.

"Lily, she didn't mean that," he whispered.

Lily ignored him. All of a sudden, her tears had stopped. She stood up.

She felt Ethan clutching at her arm. "Lily…"

Lily shook his hand away and walked towards Alicia.

"Oh my God: you were producing real tears," said Alicia, still awed, but then her expression changed. "Lily, you weren't acting, were you? I knew there was something wrong." She caught Lily's hand. "Lily, you know I'm here for you, don't you? Why don't you come back to my place after work and we can make cookies or something?"

"Alicia, I think maybe, um…" began Ethan.

Lily tore her hand from Alicia's grasp and glared at her until the gently sympathetic smile had faded from Alicia's face. "Don't you EVER presume to speak to me like that again! You are not my friend and this is not your business. If I see one more sign of ANYTHING other than respect, then you can look for another mentor. In fact, I will save the trouble and speak to Mrs Beauchamp myself."

"Um, Lily-" said Ethan as he laid his hand on Lily's arm. She shook him off.

"Of course I can work with someone else, Lily," said Alicia kindly. "It sounds like you've got enough on your plate at the moment."

Ethan tried again. "Lily, it might be best if you don't-"

"You PATRONISING little-" Lily almost screamed at Alicia, only to stop when the door opened.

"Dr Munroe. Dr Chao. Dr Hardy," said Connie, her voice deceptively gentle. "Would any of you care to tell me why you're arguing with each other instead of working?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Tanith Panic** , I think Connie's intervention at this point could stop the situation from escalating to the point it did in the series - though I quite often change my mind about things as I write. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Lily is coming across sympathetically - she's not being kind to Alicia, but I've tried to show that she's under a lot of strain and that Alicia can go too far.

 **beckyboogle** , I think Lily has spent her whole life not allowing people to get close, so it's natural for her to push Alicia away. But this story won't necessarily follow the series, so maybe there is hope for them! Thank you for your review.

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review. I'm so pleased you enjoyed the chapter. Lily is a really interesting character to write - as I'm sure you've noticed! She's definitely my favourite female character.

* * *

They all stood in a line in Connie's office. Lily couldn't bring herself to look at Alicia, but she knew that Ethan was looking at the floor, afraid to meet the clinical lead's eyes.

Lily herself was still trembling with emotion and she felt as though she might collapse. She felt so tired, mentally and physically, and she really didn't know how much more she could take.

"Dr Hardy," said Connie, her voice mostly pleasant but with a slight edge that warned him to obey her. "Perhaps you could start."

"Yes, Mrs Beauchamp," said Ethan. "You see, the thing is… well, Lily and Alicia, I mean Dr Chao and Dr Munroe… they are very… though that's not to say they're actually… what I'm trying to say is…"

"Anytime today, Dr Hardy."

Lily heard Ethan breathe in and out and knew he was trying to calm himself.

"The incident involves something very personal relating to Dr Chao," said Ethan. "I'm not sure I should…"

Alicia clapped her hands to her mouth. "Oh my God, Lily, are you pregnant?" She looked at Ethan, her eyes like saucers. "And are you the father?"

Ethan blushed bright red. "Oh gosh, no, nothing like that."

Lily tried not to feel disappointed by the horror in his voice. She knew, after all, that she was not Ethan's type.

"I am aware of the current issues in Dr Chao's personal life," said Connie. "Please continue, Dr Hardy."

"Well, the thing is, Dr Chao and Dr Munroe are both very different people," said Ethan. "Dr Munroe believes that personal problems should be shared with friends and colleagues so they can give support. Dr Chao believes that personal problems are very private and should be shared only with… with close, long-term friends."

Alicia broke in again. "But don't you think, working together in a life-changing environment like a hospital, you become closer much more quickly than you usually would?"

"No, I do not," said Lily, before she could stop herself.

Connie lifted a hand. "Dr Chao, Dr Munroe: that will do. Dr Hardy, please continue."

Ethan looked apologetic. "I could be wrong, but it seemed as though Dr Munroe was extremely eager to help Dr Chao. Dr Chao, however, felt that Dr Munroe was asking very personal questions which she had no right to ask. Dr Chao was annoyed by this, and as she was stressed to begin with, she quickly became angry."

"I see," said Connie, and nodded at the senior registrar. "Thank you, Dr Hardy." She turned to Lily. "Dr Chao, while you know I have every sympathy for your current position, it is not acceptable to speak to a colleague – or a patient, for that matter – in the way you spoke to Dr Munroe just now. I won't ask you to apologise now as I feel that would only exacerbate the situation, but I very much hope you will do so in the next few days."

"Oh, no, it doesn't matter, Lily," said Alicia, smiling kindly at her. "It really doesn't matter at all."

Lily glared at her as rage bubbled up inside her again. She didn't want to apologise to the junior doctor, but neither did she want any magnanimity from her. "Dr Munroe, I am very sorry if I overstepped the mark or offended you in any way. As Dr Hardy says, I believe my personal life is private and I have no wish to discuss it, but I appreciate the… concern that prompted your questions."

There. Nobody could object to that.

"Apology accepted, Lily," said Alicia warmly. "But don't forget I'm here if you need me, okay?"

Lily wanted to shake her all over again. When was she going to get the message?

But she gave Alicia a curt nod and kept her thoughts to herself.

"Dr Munroe," said Connie. "Is there anything you'd like to add to Dr Hardy's statement?"

"Mrs Beauchamp, I'm deeply worried about Dr Chao's state of mind," said Alicia.

"There is nothing wrong with my state of mind!" hissed Lily.

Connie spoke sharply. "Dr Chao. You may you have your say in a moment. Please continue, Dr Munroe."

Alicia wriggled uncomfortably. "I don't want to tell tales."

"Dr Munroe, this is a hospital," said Connie. "It is not a school playground."

"Of course not, Mrs Beauchamp. We were treating a patient together and Dr Chao attempted to prescribe a medication the patient was unable to take," said Alicia. "I corrected her. Dr Chao accepted my correction and performed well from that point on, but-"

"Performed well?" spat Lily. "Do you believe I am a performing dog?"

"Lily, that's enough," said Connie. "Please allow Dr Munroe to speak."

"I was concerned about Dr Chao, so I offered my support," said Alicia. "I was not in any way attempting to undermine or to upset her. I only thought she might need a friend."

Lily gritted her teeth, but she could almost feel Ethan's anxious gaze and managed to stay quiet.

Connie nodded. "Thank you, Dr Munroe. While I believe that you offered Dr Chao your support with the best of intentions, please be aware that Dr Chao's private life is not your concern. It is entirely Dr Chao's decision whether she discloses anything of a personal nature."

Alicia was beginning to look very guilty. "Oh, yes, of course. I'm so sorry, Dr Chao. I really was trying to help, but I didn't mean to be nosy. I won't ask you again if that's what you'd like."

"That is what I'd like," said Lily firmly, but then she caught Connie's eye. There was a sternness in her expression that made Lily immediately turn back to Alicia and say: "Thank you, Dr Munroe."

Connie turned to Lily. "Dr Chao. What is your view on the situation between you and Dr Munroe?"

"Dr Munroe is a promising doctor who relates well to the patients," said Lily.

"Oh, thank you, Lily!" said Alicia.

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I do not require your gratitude, Dr Munroe. Mrs Beauchamp, I believe Dr Hardy has given you an accurate version of events. Dr Munroe refused to mind her own business and I became angry. However, I have accepted her apology and have nothing further to say on the matter."

"Right: I hope that's now sorted out," said Connie. She didn't do anything as inelegant as rolling her eyes, though there was a definite element of it in both her voice and her expression. "Dr Munroe and Dr Hardy, please return to work. Dr Chao, I'd like a quick word with you."

Lily nodded but felt an unexpected clutch of fear around her heart.

She knew what Connie was going to suggest, but she didn't think she could bear to be alone with the thoughts that swirled around in her head at every moment. At least at the hospital, she had her work to distract her. At home, there was nothing.

She could, of course, study; she could try to get a head start on the materials she would need when she finally became a consultant. She had several textbooks already. But even just the thought of it made tears rise in her eyes because she knew it was too late.

Her father would never feel proud of her now.

Alicia squeezed Lily's arm, making her flinch. "See you later, Lily."

Ethan touched her other arm, but only briefly. He smiled at her, his gaze a mixture of encouragement and sympathy. Lily felt time stand still as she looked into his eyes, but then he was gone and it was just Lily and Connie.

"Lily, I'd like you to take the rest of the day off," said Connie. "I know you would prefer to continue working and I do respect that. A distraction can be very helpful. However, it's very important that we don't overwork you so I would like you to go home now; get some rest; then come back refreshed tomorrow and work for as long as you can."

* * *

Lily closed the clinical lead's door behind her and leaned against it for a moment, her eyes closed. She didn't want to go home and expose herself to all the emotions she was trying so hard to push away, but she knew Connie was right. Lily wasn't 'on it' as some of the more frivolous members of the department would say. In the interests of her patients, going home probably was the correct decisions.

Then someone came over to her and softly spoke her name.

Lily looked up into a pair of concerned brown eyes which were not so much hidden as enhanced by his glasses. "I have to go home, Ethan."

Ethan nodded, clearly unsurprised. "I'll drive you. I'm on my break anyway… and I want to make sure you get home safely."

Lily opened her mouth to say she was perfectly capable of looking after herself and she needed no assistance from a man, but the words froze in her throat as Ethan smiled at her. "All right. Thank you, Ethan."


	8. Chapter 8

**beckyboogle** , I love Ethan and Lily's relationship too - it's nice to be writing about it as I haven't really explored it in any of my other stories. Thank you for your review!

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. Ethan and Lily both struggle to get close to people so this might be one of the few things that would enable them to get this close so quickly.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you're sympathising with both Lily and Alicia. I agree Lily is threatened by Alicia. She's afraid of comparisons between them and also threatened by Alicia's well-intentioned probing.

* * *

Lily had always found gentlemen quite irritating. She was perfectly capable of opening doors (unless she was carrying lots of shopping, in which case she was still no less capable than men who were carrying lots of shopping); she could pull her own chair out from under the table; and she saw no earthly reason why a man should cause a delay by getting out of the way so she could be the first to enter a room. It was all so ridiculous and unnecessary and inefficient.

As for the ones who performed such needless acts and then smirked at her, expecting her to fall at their feet in gratitude, it was all she could do not to slap them.

But when Ethan offered to see her to her door, Lily didn't say no. Ethan was on the old-fashioned side so it wasn't outside the realms of possibility that he might be trying to be a gentleman, but he was so kind; so caring; so lovely, Lily felt almost sure that he was responding to her fragility rather than her femininity. She'd lost someone close to her and had a bad morning at work. Lily liked to think he'd show the same consideration to a male colleague - assuming he wasn't too terrified to attempt it.

They got out of the car and Lily waited rather self-consciously until Ethan had come round to join her. Together, they made their way towards the flat. Lily got out her keys and opened the door. Neither had spoken since Ethan's offer to see her to the door, yet the silence hadn't been uncomfortable. Lily felt unhappy and exhausted, but she was glad to have Ethan with her.

"Lily, um…"

Lily turned to look at him.

"Will you be all right on your own?" said Ethan. "I mean, I have no reason to assume you wouldn't be. But I found it more difficult when I was on my own. More time to think."

"That is part of the reason why I wanted to work today," said Lily. She shrugged. "But I can manage on my own. I have no choice but to manage."

She spoke with finality, but Ethan continued to look worried.

"Who could stay with me?" said Lily. "You have to work – though I'm sure if you told Mrs Beauchamp you felt unwell, she would believe you. You still look terrible."

"Um, thank you," said Ethan, almost as though he thought he'd been paid a compliment. "I mean… I'm sorry. I hope I didn't sound sarcastic. But yes, I think I do have to go back to work." He paused. "I could come and see you afterwards, though."

Lily looked into his eyes and felt herself tremble. "What for?"

"Well… for anything you need," said Ethan. "To talk to you. To listen to you. Or just sit with you. It might not actually help, but I wished there was someone who could sit with me – though even if there was, I wouldn't have let them give up their time like that."

Now Lily was smiling. "Ethan, you're a very kind man. I'm glad you came to Holby."

"Oh! Really? Thank you. So am I. Um, glad that you came, I mean." Ethan was clearly flustered, but his answering smile was warm. "I really will do anything you think might help. I… I could come and cook you dinner if you wanted me to."

Lily felt yearning sweep through her body. This was swiftly followed by shame. "What about Cal? And the baby?"

Ethan sighed. "Yes. You're right. I'm not sure I should even have left him for five minutes, but I had to go to work."

"How is he coping so far?" said Lily rather abruptly. She didn't usually show this much interest in her colleagues' personal lives and wasn't overly interested in babies except as something she expected to have in the future, but… well, if she was honest, she didn't want Ethan to go and would have said almost anything to delay him.

"It varies, to be honest," said Ethan. It looked for a moment as though he wasn't going to say anymore, but then the words burst out of him. "It's been really difficult for him. For the most part, I worked out how to do everything and showed Cal, then I let him have a go and he messed it up, which meant I had to show him again." A worried look crossed his handsome face. "To be honest, he's still a bit shaky on nappies and I don't think there's much chance of Flibbertigibbet lasting till lunchtime. And the trouble with Cal cooking is that he does sometimes go off and do something else for two minutes and before you know it, he's forgotten about what he was cooking. I just keep getting these terrible visions of Cal heating up milk and then running over to Flibbertigibbet in a panic because she's making a noise that doesn't sound right (it doesn't take much to panic Cal where this baby is concerned) and then the milk catches fire and the flat burns down…"

"I'm sure even Cal would notice the flat was burning down and know enough to get the baby out," said Lily. "And as for everything else… it's about time Cal grew up."

Ethan nodded. "Yes, you're right. I completely agree. Cal does need to grow up, but it's not quite that simple. Taylor, the mother of the baby… Cal really loved her. He still does in a way and she always knows how to get to him. She told him she still loved him and she wanted them to be a family. He fell for it! Then she sneaked off when he was asleep."

Lily stared at Ethan in a panic. His voice was shaking and he looked like he couldn't take much more. She watched as he took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I'm fine. I just… I'm fine."

He didn't look fine. He looked exhausted and emotional. Lily found she was reaching her hand out towards him with no idea of what she wanted to do with it, but then she remembered the way Ethan had held her earlier. How good it had felt to know someone was there.

The fact it had also felt good to be in Ethan's arms was irrelevant.

Lily lifted her other hand. Ethan had his eyes shut and his face turned away as though to hide his emotion from her. Slowly, Lily moved her arms so they hovered over his shoulders.

All she had to do now was touch him, but she was afraid. She wasn't used to people who were willing to touch her. Her father had always pushed her away. He preferred to show his love by working hard to ensure he could help Lily train as a doctor.

But Ethan hadn't turned back to face her; hadn't smiled or made some throwaway comment that would have been less out of place fifty years ago – and that showed how emotionally and physically exhausted he was.

Lily put her arms around him and held on tightly.

She felt Ethan jump slightly, but then he hugged her back.

"I think it will get easier," said Lily. "For you and Cal. It's just been one night and you will both do better when you're more experienced, less emotional and you've been able to sleep."

"Thank you." Ethan didn't let go of her. "I really appreciate it, Lily. We haven't told anyone. It is really difficult." He let go suddenly and gave Lily a sad smile. "But I shouldn't be going on about my problems when yours are far more serious."

"Birth and death are both very… life-changing," said Lily. "We both have problems, Ethan. We should support each other." She breathed in deeply. She knew what she wanted to say. But it was what Ethan would say that really mattered. "When you're happy to leave Cal alone for a longer length of time, I would like you to come and have dinner with me."

"I would like that very much," said Ethan. "I did tell Cal to register Flibbertigibbet with the crèche at the hospital (that's not her real name, but I have to call her something), so perhaps once he's finally got around to doing that…"

"That would be lovely," said Lily.

She wished she didn't sound so awkward, but Ethan was smiling.

"I'm really looking forward to it, Lily. We've studied together so much and I enjoy that, but it will be good to have a proper meal."

"I'm looking forward to it too," said Lily. She frowned. "No. I should not look forward to things."

Ethan looked sympathetic. "I felt like that too. It was very difficult. But I think it is all right to look forward to things. I'm sure… well, I suppose I can't be sure, but I think your father might prefer you to look to the future rather than the past?"

Lily thought about this, then nodded. "Yes. I think that it true."

Ethan smiled. "Then we'll both look forward to it."

"It's a date," said Lily. She realised what she'd said. "But not a _date_."

"But it is a _date_ ," said Ethan.

* * *

Lily stood at the front door, watching Ethan making his way back to her car, but as soon as he'd driven away, it was as though he had never been there. Tears filled her eyes and she felt herself sink to the floor as her father filled her thoughts again.

He would be so ashamed of her now, sitting at home crying when she should be at work.

At the very least, she should study.

Lily fetched her books and laid them out in front of her, but time passed and she hadn't read a word.

Why did he have to die now? Why did he have to go before Lily had had the chance to fulfil his dream?


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm sorry it took me so long to update this. I never meant to leave it for so long and I'm actually not sure about the ending, but I really wanted to get something up as it's been such a long time._

 **xMissWhitneyBexx** , thank you for your review - I'm so happy you found it sweet. I'm sorry for abandoning your request for so long.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I don't think I could ever kill Ethan off! Thank you for the review and I'm sorry for confusing you.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm sorry about your grandfather. It sounds like you had some wonderful support. Sometimes that can be the difference between coping and not. It's good you still have each other now. My best friend is on the other side of the world too. I've only seen her about four times, but that doesn't matter. It's the connection.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm not sure it is going that well when I haven't updated for two months, but I'm so glad you liked it up to this point. I really felt for Lily and found Alicia irritating (until her last episode where I completely fell for her), so that probably helped with making Lily sympathetic. I hate men who pretend to be gentlemen: I usually make a point of reaching the door first!

* * *

Lily didn't know how long she'd been sitting there. She'd cried, on and off. She'd also studied, on and off, because she knew that was what her father would have wanted, but she doubted she'd managed to take anything in.

She sighed, pushed her hands through her hair and picked up the book again, but her eyes felt scratchy and sore and she put the book aside while she exchanged her contact lenses for her glasses. It helped a bit.

She wished Ethan was there.

The thought caught her by surprise and she sat for several minutes, staring off into the distance and wondered why she'd thought that. Of course, Ethan was a very good friend and he'd been incredibly supportive. Lily had always found it difficult to talk about her problems; to talk to anyone in anything other than a professional context, but with Ethan, she could forget all her awkwardness and simply say what was on her mind. It wasn't always easy to talk to him as the subject wasn't easy, but the fact she was talking to Ethan felt natural and right.

Ethan was lovely and kind. Even when he was criticising her, he was gentle and understanding and prepared to admit there was a certain amount of right on her side, but he didn't shirk from giving his opinion. When Lily spoke to Ethan, or rather listened to the beautifully-modulated sound of his voice, she began to feel that everything might, one day, be all right again.

But as soon as he was gone, being all right became an impossibility.

Lily sank her head in her hands and wondered what to do. She wished Ethan was here now and she didn't doubt that if she asked him to come and see her, he would agree at once, even if the situation with Cal and the baby only allowed him to stay for a short time.

But she couldn't ask that of him. He'd given her so much of his time already and she'd seen for herself how much he was struggling with the new developments in his life. She couldn't ask for more than he was already giving.

Lily sighed, lifted her head and reached for her textbook again, but almost immediately, she put it down again.

What was the point?

It wouldn't matter how quickly she became a consultant. Even if she broke the record for moving from registrar to consultant in the shortest possible time, he would not be proud of her because he wasn't here. He would never know what she did. Even if he did know, somehow, he would not be able to tell her. And that was all she wanted. To be told.

Lily felt tears sliding down her cheeks but made no move to wipe them away. She began to question if being a consultant was even what she really wanted. She'd believed it was something she'd always wanted, right from being a child, but for the first time, she began to wonder. Had she thought of the idea on her own or had someone else put it into her head? Had she ever really wanted to be a doctor, or had she wanted only to impress a man who seemed resolved never to be impressed?

She didn't know. That was the worst thing of all: she had no idea what she wanted. All she knew for sure was that she wanted Ethan to be with her.

Lily doubted very much that Ethan had had similar thoughts following his mother's death. She'd never met his mother, but she knew their relationship must have been very different from hers with her father.

But he would listen, thought Lily, as she touched her hands to her wet cheeks. He would listen and support and try to understand. She remembered what it was like to be held in his arms. She remembered the warmth of his arms around her; the soothing pressure of his hand as he'd stroked her hair. The gentleness in his voice and the worry in his eyes.

 _Oh, I wish he was here now. Please, Ethan. Please come to see me on your way home from work. Please hold me again and make me feel as though everything might be all right one day. Please._

The doorbell rang.

Lily's eyes opened wide and she began to tremble. She knew it was impossible that her wish had come true. If Ethan was here, it could only be a coincidence. She glanced at the clock and realised his shift would be over by now. It would be like Ethan to stop at her flat to check she was all right, even if he was in a hurry to get home to Cal.

The doorbell rang again.

Lily was still shaking as she got to her feet. She brushed her tears away quickly and ran her hands through her hair. She ran to the door and opened it, just in time to see someone walking away.

She must have made some sound: the man turned back towards her. It wasn't Ethan, and Lily felt her head drop with disappointment as he came towards her.

"Lily Chao?" he asked. He was holding a large box with her name and address printed on it.

Lily nodded. "Yes, that's me."

He smiled. "Special delivery for you."

 _It's from Ethan!_ thought Lily, as she broke out into a smile. She thanked the delivery man with a warmth that surprised her – and perhaps him too – and hurried back inside. She carried the box to the living room and unwrapped it to reveal a big bunch of flowers and a pot of something. There was steam coming from the pot and Lily lifted the lid curiously to discover it was full of soup. She tried to smell it, but the scent of the flowers was overpowering.

They were all lilies, of course, in different colours. Lily buried her nose in their sweet smell. They were very strong and she knew a headache could follow, but in that moment, she didn't care. They were from Ethan. Her mind recalling immediately where she'd put her vases, even though she hadn't used them for several months, but as she lifted the lilies out of the box, she realised they were in a vase already.

 _How thoughtful of Ethan_ , she thought and carried them to the table. Flower-arranging was not something she'd had the occasion to do very often, but her hands seemed to know what to do as she arranged the flowers and stood looking at them, feeling tearful again. Perhaps she wasn't exactly happy. It would be wrong to be happy. But she felt... cared about.

Reluctantly, she left the flowers to take the soup into the kitchen. Once they were moved away from the lilies, she could tell it was mushroom soup and it smelled lovely. It would save her the trouble of cooking tonight, which was yet another reason to be grateful to Ethan. She left it on the kitchen table and ran back to the box, wondering if Ethan had sent a card with them. He'd obviously packed the box by hand and if she was slightly disappointed he'd arranged for courier delivery rather than bringing it in person, this feeling was small in comparison with her gratitude.

There was a card in the bottom of the box. A pink card with flowers and butterflies. Not at all a bad choice for a man. Lily turned it over and read it.

 _Dear Lily,_

 _I am so so sorry for being so insensitive! I just had to do something to make it up to you so I bought you some flowers and made you some soup, my dad's special recipe! He always makes it for me when I'm sad or ill. Even now I'm a doctor, he sends me big care packages! I really didn't mean to overstep the boundaries at all. I look up to you and I've learned so much from you already. You're the best mentor ever! I can't wait to be working with you again! I know you prefer to deal with personal problems alone and I get that totally, I actually really admire you for it, but I am always here if you want a listening ear or a friendly hug :)_

 _Lots of love and big hugs,_

 _Alicia xxx_

 _PS Ethan just told me about your dad. I am so sorry for your loss. As I said, I'm always here xxx_


	10. Chapter 10

_I hope Lily isn't too horrible in this chapter._

 **xMissWhitneyBexx** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy and relieved you feel the last chapter was worth the wait. I actually have mixed feelings about Lily's reaction!

 **Tanith Panic** , sometimes it's annoying being right, isn't it? But I don't think Ethan would have dared send a parcel like that, even if he'd thought of it. I'm worried about what you'll think of this chapter though! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Lily dropped to her knees on the kitchen floor and sobbed, hating Alicia more than ever. She had no business sending Lily presents. None at all. But she'd done it and she'd got Lily's hopes up that they were from Ethan. She'd made Lily feel so happy and all for nothing.

The sink was blocked from having the soup poured into it and even when hacked into pieces, the flowers wouldn't fit into her bin and the ends of them poked out, looking down at her reproachfully. The vase was in there too, smashed to pieces.

The flowers had been so beautiful. Perhaps that was the worst thing of all: the happiness and pleasure they had given her. Not that she thought to be feeling any happiness and pleasure now, but it had been so wonderful to think that Ethan cared enough for her to do something so kind.

But he hadn't.

The kitchen floor was cold and hard against Lily's shins, but she didn't move. Her head dropped and she watched as her tears splashed onto the kitchen floor. She'd wanted so much for them to be from Ethan, but she should have realised it was unlikely he'd include a vase or make her some soup. Ethan was kind, but she couldn't imagine him doing something like that. He would be too shy. He would make offer to help, but never presume to do much unless his offer had been accepted.

No, this was the act of someone who was determined to bring happiness into everyone's lives; someone who would never give up, even when the clinical lead had asked her to back off.

An act of kindness. And forgiveness.

Lily knew she'd shown little of either lately.

The doorbell rang again, but Lily ignored it. She didn't even want to see Ethan now. He'd betrayed her and she couldn't forgive that. But she also didn't deserve his friendship.

A text arrived shortly afterwards. Lily didn't want to look at it, but she found herself doing so anyway. She didn't know why. She didn't know why she did anything lately.

 _Lily, I'm outside your flat. It's fine if you're not up to seeing visitors or if you've just had enough of me lately, but I was on my way home and I thought I'd stop by. Thinking of you. Ethan x_

Lily realised she was on her feet. Her chest heaved as more sobs escaped, but her feet kept moving towards the door. She didn't know what she was doing. Ethan had told Alicia something personal about her; something very painful that she didn't want anyone to know but Ethan and Connie. Ethan had known she didn't want Alicia to know. He also knew wards her feelings for Alicia. He'd betrayed her trust and she never wanted to see him again.

But she felt so lost. So alone. She needed someone to hold her and Ethan was so lovely. There wasn't anyone else. Only Ethan, Connie and Alicia knew. Connie wasn't the sort of person you went to for comfort and neither, for different reasons, was Alicia. Lily and Alicia had a mentor-mentee relationship. It would be wrong for Lily to show weakness in front of her mentee and now Ethan had laid her weaknesses bare.

She was hurt. So hurt. But there was no-one else. No-one else cared.

Lily opened the door. Ethan was standing on the doorstep, a small bunch of flowers in his arms. "Hey. I, um, I got you these. I'm sorry they're so small. It seemed a bit tactless to buy you anything bigger, but now I feel a bit…" Ethan's voice trailed away. "Oh, Lily." He kept hold of the flowers as he put his arms around her, holding her tightly.

Lily clung to him, sobbing more and more loudly. "Ethan…" There was so much she wanted to say. She wanted to ask him to leave; to tell him she could no longer trust him. She also wanted to tell him she never wanted him to go.

Ethan ran his hand through her hair. "Come on, sweetheart. Come with me."

Lily's heart jumped at the endearment. She was sure he was speaking to her as he might to a patient – probably a very young patient – but she couldn't remember him ever saying that to a patient and it was so long since anyone had said anything like that to her and really meant it.

He tried to put his arm around her and walk with her into the living room, but the flowers were in the wrong way and there was an awkward moment as Ethan worked out which hand he should use for the flowers. It could have been amusing, but nothing could make Lily smile now.

Ethan put the flowers on the table and sat beside her on the sofa, his arm still around her. "I'm here, Lily. I know there's not very much I can do, but if there is anything, you only have to ask."

"Why did you tell Alicia?" sobbed Lily.

Ethan looked startled: presumably he didn't know about Alicia's present. "I… I'm sorry, Lily. I shouldn't have done it. I did tell her not to tell you she knew, but that's not really any excuse. I don't have an excuse. Alicia is… relentless. She was talking to me and she kept asking what was wrong and I was trying to avoid telling her, but she wouldn't take the hint. And I was getting so stressed, trying so hard not to be rude to her, and then suddenly I found that I was telling her… I'm so sorry, Lily. I never should have done it. She did promise not to tell you she knew, but that's beside the point. I never should have told her."

"It's not your fault," sniffed Lily, wiping her eyes. "You shouldn't have told her, but I know what she's like."

"She does mean well," said Ethan, very gently. "She's just… I often find that people don't really believe I'm as different as I seem. They think there's a normal person behind all the oddities. They think that if only they could boost my confidence a little bit, I'd be much more comfortable on a pub crawl than I would catching up on the latest medical research."

Lily looked at him in surprise, then nodded. "Yes. I have experienced that too. I have always been… alone. I suppose it is partly my fault, but when I got to medical school, I was amazed and pleased when a group of girls seemed to want to be friends with me. They were intelligent and focused in class and I thought I'd finally found some people like me. But after class ended, all they wanted to do was go to the student union and drink shots. There are times when I have a bad day and I want to get drunk, but I didn't want to do it every day."

"Neither would I!" said Ethan with feeling. "I do quite like going to the pub sometimes, just to be with people like Cal and Lofty and Robyn. They're all nice people and when you've gone through a challenging day together and shared the stresses, it's sometimes good to share some relaxation with them too. But once or twice a week is plenty. And when I say I'd like to have a drink, I do usually mean a drink, singular. Perhaps occasionally two, but I very rarely want more."

"I occasionally want more than two," admitted Lily in a low voice.

"That's all right," said Ethan. "I didn't mean to criticise you. I just mean that we have our own ideas about drinking and what we find enjoyable. And I think that applies to most things in life. We don't necessary want exactly the same things, but I often don't want the same as the majority - and I think it might be the same for you."

Lily nodded. "It is the same for me."

Ethan smiled. "I've always thought we had a lot in common. But I think Alicia, though she's only ever motivated by kindness, has trouble understanding people who are different."

"No, I can't agree with that," said Lily. "Alicia has very good social skills. She is very empathic and the patients respond to her. She must understand. She _chooses_ to ignore me because she believes her way is better."

"There… there is some truth in that," allowed Ethan, "but only because she doesn't understand that our way is a valid way. But that doesn't change the fact she means well and genuinely wants to help."

Lily shook her head and let her head drop into her hands. She was so tired and if Ethan was right…

"Hey. It's okay," said Ethan. He patted Lily's shoulder. "Sorry. This really wasn't a good time for this conversation. Would you like me to put your flowers in water for you?"

At the mention of flowers, guilt twisted inside Lily again. "I don't deserve them, Ethan."

"Of course you do," said Ethan gently. "Listen to me. Just because you don't like Alicia and you find her attempts to help intrusive – and I'm sure I'd have felt the same way if she'd behaved in the same way towards me – it doesn't make you a bad person. I think a lot of your concerns about Alicia are valid. I really do."

Lily started to cry again. "It's not just that."

"What is it then?" asked Ethan. He tried to take her hands away from her face. "Come on, Lily. You can tell me."

Lily didn't want to tell him. His kindness and support meant so much and she didn't want to lose it, but she knew that if Ethan went into the kitchen, she would see the remains of Alicia's flowers and the blocked sink. She had to tell him. She couldn't let Ethan go on thinking she was a good person when she wasn't.

Ethan gently lowered her hands and kept hold of them, squeezing them tightly as he looked at her, his eyes warm and caring. "You can tell me, Lily. You can tell me anything."


	11. Chapter 11

**xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Lily is coming across sympathetically. I had so much sympathy for her when the Alicia storyline was on TV.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , I'm really happy you're sympathising with Lily too. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I think you've described exactly what I felt was happening when I watched the episodes. Lily was overwhelmed by her emotions and Alicia wouldn't take the hint. You could be right about Ethan!

* * *

Ethan was smiling as he returned to Lily, the flowers he'd bought arranged in a small vase. "Here you are. Feel free to rearrange them. I'm afraid flower-arranging isn't one of my strengths."

"Nor mine," said Lily. She looked at the flowers, then lifted her eyes to Ethan's face. "They're beautiful, Ethan. Thank you."

Ethan put the flowers on the table and sat beside her. "I've, um… I'm sorry: this sounds like a terrible imposition, but I've, um, rearranged your bin so there's nothing sticking out. I've also unblocked the sink. I know it isn't really my place, but..."

Lily gasped. "Oh, Ethan, you didn't have to do that!"

"I'm really sorry if I've offended you." Ethan's eyes were sincere.

"You didn't," said Lily softly. "I'm really grateful. Thank you, Ethan. But I didn't want you to go to so much trouble."

"It was no trouble," said Ethan. "I do it all the time. You'd be amazed at some of the things Cal has tried pouring down the sink. But it was my pleasure, Lily."

Lily looked at him in wonder. She'd always known that Ethan Hardy was someone you could rely on; someone who would always do his best to help. But she never would have imagined him unblocking someone's sink for them.

"I'm not going to pretend I know what you're feeling," said Ethan. "But when it happened to me, I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt as though all the energy had been drained from me. I also felt there was a hole in my life. A hole that would never again be filled. I was all right when I was at work, but when I came home and there were no longer patients relying on me, it was difficult to motivate myself to do anything." He gave Lily an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about myself."

Lily shook her head slowly. "It's okay. That's partly how I feel. There is more to it than that because making my father proud was always a big part of my motivation and I hate that I'll never succeed. But you're right. There is a hole. My life doesn't fit together anymore. There are gaps. Open wounds. And no way of suturing them."

"You can suture them," said Ethan softly. "You can paper over the cracks and carry on. That's all you can do at first. But your wounds will heal and one day, the cracks won't be there. Or at least you won't be in constant pain because of them." He touched her hand. "You've got to give yourself time, Lily. Don't expect too much at once. You've lost someone who was very important to you. But you can get there and I believe you will."

"I hope so," whispered Lily, as more tears filled her eyes. "I don't think I could bear to feel like this forever."

Ethan slipped his hand into hers. He said nothing, but his eyes were warm and kind. "You won't. I'm sure you won't. And I'll always be here if you need to talk."

Lily looked down at their joined hands. "What should I do about Alicia?"

"What would you like to do?" said Ethan kindly.

"I don't know," said Lily listlessly. "Ethan… I don't want to be a horrible person."

"You're not a horrible person," said Ethan.

Lily's eyes filled. "But I am, Ethan. I hurt people. I push them away. I even destroy people's gifts."

"The gift was probably… getting towards being not particularly tactful," said Ethan carefully. "I understand your feelings completely and I'm sorry for the part I played in allowing it to happen."

"It's not your fault," said Lily.

Ethan smiled and squeezed her hand. "I'm not sure I agree, but thank you for saying that. A horrible person wouldn't have said it."

"But something is obviously wrong," said Lily. "I do want to get on with people. I would like some friends. I just… I don't know what to do. And when I see someone like Alicia who can just do it so effortlessly and everyone loves her, I just…"

"You feel a perfectly natural envy?" said Ethan.

"Natural?" said Lily.

Ethan nodded. "Envy might not be what they call a positive emotion, but it's still very natural. I feel envious all the time. I wish I had Cal's conversational ease. I wish I had Zoe's natural empathy. I wish I had Mrs Beauchamp's leadership skills. I wish my sarcasm came as effortlessly and brilliantly at Dylan's." He smiled. "And I wish I had your memory. You're incredible, Lily."

Lily looked at him in surprise. Ethan could seem odd at times – even she could see that – but he never seemed anything but thoroughly nice. "But you're a nice person. I'm not."

She saw Ethan's face light up in pleased surprise at the compliment, but his smile faded as she uttered her last, bleak sentence. "Of course you're a nice person, Lily."

"No, I'm not!" said Lily. "If I'm nice, why does nobody like me? If I'm nice, why was I not invited to the hen party? If I am nice, why did Cal or Honey throw the banner away? If I am nice, why do the patients shrink from me?"

She began to sob and Ethan, with an exclamation of concern, put his arm around her. "Oh, Lily. I don't think there were official invitations to the hen party and some patients can't help but shrink from doctors. I'm afraid I'm not sure what happened with the banner, but I suppose it went out of my mind after the explosions. But people do like you, Lily. I like you."

It was becoming harder for Lily to speak: her throat seemed to have shrunk and so did her windpipe. She wasn't sure she wanted to say the words uppermost in her mind, but they came out anyway, in a wail of longing. "Oh, Ethan, why can't I be more like Alicia?"

Ethan's hand, which was rubbing Lily's shoulder, became still. He looked confused. "Lily, why on earth do you want to be like Alicia?"

"Because she's got everything!" sobbed Lily. "She walks in and everyone loves her. She's immediately accepted as part of the group: a group I've never been part of. She's more comfortable and settled after a few weeks than I feel now. I try to console myself with the thought she's not as good a doctor as me, but I'm so afraid she's better. How can I mentor a doctor who is already so much better than me?"

"She's not better than you," said Ethan.

"Yes, she is!" cried Lily. "And… and I just want to be like her. I want to be like her so much, but I'm not and I never will be."

"And all I can say is: thank goodness for that," said Ethan firmly.

Startled, Lily turned to look at him. "What did you say?"

"I said 'thank goodness for that'," said Ethan. "I like you as you are, Lily. I like you very much. Perhaps there are ways you could become an even better doctor, but I could say that about any doctor in the ED. Me, Cal, Mrs Beauchamp… and most definitely Alicia."

Lily stared at him.

"I like you very much," said Ethan. "And it tears me apart to see you like this. I wish I could convince you of how much I care about you. Your friendship is one of the best things in my life and I've missed it, Lily. I can't tell you how much I've missed it."

For a few moments, Lily just stared at him. She became suddenly hyper-aware of the arm around her shoulders; the thigh that was almost touching hers. "I've missed you too, Ethan," she whispered.

Ethan's hand tightened on her shoulder. "Then we must do everything we can to ensure nothing drives us apart again."

"I hope it won't," said Lily. "But I do want to change, Ethan. I want to be more likeable. I want to be able to show empathy with my patients. I want to be able to make friends."

"I'm sure you could do that," said Ethan, his gaze steady. "It will be difficult at the moment, while you're still grieving, but when you're ready, I'll help you all I can." The corner of his mouth lifted in a self-deprecating smile. "I can't promise I'll be any good at it. I'm afraid my own conversational skills leave much to be desired! But I'll do what I can. I like you as you are and I hope that, whatever happens, you will always be Lily. But most of all, I want you to be happy."

Lily felt tingles running through her body at the intensity in Ethan's words. He reached up to wipe a tear from her cheek and her face immediately felt burning hot.

But Ethan didn't wipe the tear away. Instead, his hand lingered. His eyes locked with hers. And then it seemed he was moving forward; moving closer…

Lily wasn't sure if seconds had passed or hours. She let her eyes flutter close. Her hands lifted from her lap, ready to embrace him.

And then Ethan's phone rang.

Lily couldn't look at Ethan. She heard his voice tremble slightly as he said hello to Cal. They exchanged a few words, then Ethan promised to be there as soon as he could. When he turned back to Lily, there was regret shining in his eyes.

"Lily, I'm so sorry. Cal's panicking about the contents of the baby's… um, well, he's panicking. But I'll call you later and…" Ethan stopped. "Why don't you have dinner with me, Cal and the baby tomorrow? Cal's so funny. He really seems to be falling in love with Flibbertigibbet… that's what I call her. She doesn't have a name yet."

Lily was about to say no. She wasn't really in the mood for company and she had no fondness for babies.

"It would be a distraction for you – distractions are very important – and you won't have to worry about cooking," said Ethan coaxingly. "Not that… I didn't mean to say… I'm sure you're the most wonderful cook… not that I'm saying I expect all women to be wonderful cooks… I just thought maybe, you might not feel like…" Ethan stammered to a halt, his face red.

 _And I will be with Ethan. I will spend at least a couple of hours in Ethan's company._

"I would love to have dinner with you, Ethan," said Lily.


	12. Chapter 12

_I have a feeling Matilda didn't have a name until after Lily's dad's funeral, but it does get awkward writing Flibbertigibbet or Baby Girl! So she is already Matilda in this story. I'm sorry I'm so bad at updating this story._

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , Lily goes to dinner with Cal, Ethan and Matilda in this chapter - I hope you enjoy it. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I didn't think I could really ignore the Matilda storyline, but perhaps with Lily's influence, there will be a different outcome! I'd like to make her happier, but I still want her to be Lily. I love that 'chilling' and 'thawing' have the same meaning in this context! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I don't know if this story will continue as far as the diagnosis, but I wonder how different things would have been if he and Lily were in a relationship. They definitely could be good together. Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review. I'm sorry I'm so slow at updating it, but I would like to finish it. I'm really happy you're enjoying it and that you could see it happening. I hope you enjoy reading about the dinner.

* * *

Lily felt almost positive as she went to bed, the memory of Ethan's kindness and understanding, not to mention tomorrow's dinner invitation, enough to make her feel that perhaps she might one day feel happy again. But the following morning, the depressing thoughts of her own inadequacy had returned, and a long conversation with her mother about the funeral did nothing to lift her mood. Lily hadn't really expected it to, but as the time Ethan had arranged to pick her up grew closer and closer, she felt more and more exhausted and depressed and she didn't know how she was going to be able to manage being sociable and friendly for a whole dinner.

After all, Lily wasn't very good at being sociable and friendly even when she felt good.

She sat and watched the clock, alternately wishing for an upturn in her mood or an excuse not to go. Her hand itched to send Ethan a text to say she couldn't manage dinner after all and several times, she picked up her phone, once or twice even going as far as to find Ethan's name in her list of contacts, but each time, she put her phone back down rather than calling him.

Lily was sure Ethan would understand if she phoned to cancel. He knew what she was going through because he'd been through almost the same thing himself. As for Cal, he'd probably be relieved to be spared the company of a girl he'd once wanted to seduce, but who had held little interest for him other than that.

But Lily knew that if she wanted to improve her methods of connecting with others, she needed to take advantages of opportunities like this – and she had a feeling it was much too late to phone to say she couldn't make it without appearing rude.

At five o'clock, Lily changed into a black top and skirt – still in mourning colours, but smarter than the black top and trousers she had been wearing - and sat down with a textbook, hoping to pass the time before Ethan arrived, but as with yesterday, she couldn't concentrate. Ethan's flowers looked so lovely on the table near her, but they couldn't help reminding her of the other flowers she'd received. She turned away from them, her body heavy with guilt. Her own feeling was that Alicia had severely overstepped the mark in sending flowers and soup to her mentor, but Lily was starting to believe now that she must have meant it to be a kind gesture. It didn't seem likely that Alicia was trying to make herself look good.

After all, everything Alicia did was perfect. She achieved perfection without trying. Therefore, sending the flowers must have been an acceptable gesture and it was Lily's reaction to it that was wrong.

Lily was still staring at her textbook, the words blurring in front of her, when Ethan called. Lily had been planning on rejecting the call, but when she saw who it was, she hesitated. Ethan had texted her a couple of times during the day to ask how she was, but Lily realised it would be really good to hear his voice.

How could it not be good to hear the voice of a kind man who never judged her and always wanted to support her?

She accepted the call. "Hello, Ethan."

"Hey, Lily," said Ethan. "How are you? And I do actually want to know the true answer, so please don't say you're fine just to be polite."

"I am fine," said Lily. "And I'm not saying it to be polite. I'm saying it because I feel a bit uncomfortable admitting to my weaknesses."

She had a feeling Ethan was smiling. "Fair enough. You do sound better than yesterday, but I know that's not always a true reflection of what's going on inside. I was just calling to ask if you're still all right to come to dinner. It's perfectly all right if you're not: I know you have a lot on your mind at the moment and you must be very busy making arrangements."

"I…" Lily hesitated, guiltily aware that she had contributed little towards the arrangements. Her mother was taking care of that. She had asked Lily's advice and Lily had done her best, but that had been her only contribution. Of course, as her mother was concerned, Lily was still at work, doing her very best as her father would have wanted.

"It really is all right if you don't feel up to it," said Ethan gently. "I'm not sure I would have done. But if you would like to come, we'll all be very pleased to see you."

"All?" said Lily sharply. "Who else will be there?"

"Just me, Cal and Matilda," said Ethan.

"Matilda?" said Lily.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lily. Didn't I tell you? I did mean to," said Ethan apologetically. "That's the name Cal's decided to give to our baby. It was our mother's name."

Lily's eyes stung as she thought of the babies she'd always expected to be part of her life. She hadn't planned on having children yet, though she'd hoped to be married by now and she imagined it would be something she and her husband would have discussed. She hadn't really thought too much about names, but she had a feeling her father would have expected his first grandson to be named after him.

"Lily?" said Ethan. His voice was anxious. "Please, just tell me what you'd like to do. You're not going to offend me, I promise."

"Ethan, I would like very much to have dinner with you, Cal and Matilda," said Lily. "Again, thank you very much for your invitation."

"You're more than welcome and I'm looking forward to seeing you," said Ethan. There was a warmth in his voice that surprised Lily. "Is six-thirty still a convenient time to pick you up?"

"It's fine," said Lily.

"Then I'll see you soon," said Ethan.

Lily was surprised to realise he sounded happy.

* * *

Ethan arrived at 6.29 on the dot to find Lily standing by the door, watching out for him. Being Ethan, he apologised for taking so long and panicked that he was late, but Lily assured him it wasn't his fault and she was usually early for everything.

"I just… perhaps I should have sat down and done something while I waited, but I am finding it difficult to concentrate on anything at the moment," said Lily.

Ethan nodded understandingly. "Of course. I was exactly the same. So, as you're ready, shall we go?"

They didn't say much on the journey, but when they arrived, Ethan turned to Lily. "There is one more thing I want to say. I know that, when you're feeling emotionally fragile, it's very easy to take on too much. If you feel tired or sad or simply that you can't cope with socialising, please tell me and I'll take you home. Cal and I both know what it's like to lose a parent – and so does Matilda, for that matter – so we will understand if you need to leave."

Lily felt a rush of gratitude, though this was followed by the certainty that leaving early would be impossible. Even with what she considered to be a fairly limited understanding of social conventions, she was certain that leaving early, even with her excuse, would be very rude. "Thank you, Ethan."

Ethan smiled. "Are you ready to meet the most beautiful girl in the world?"

Lily tried to fight her feeling of sadness that no-one had ever said that to her, except as a means of getting her into bed. "I'm ready."

* * *

When Ethan opened the door of the flat, Cal was kneeling on the floor. In front of him, a nappyless baby lay on her back on what Lily presumed to be a changing mat. Cal looked up at their entry and gave Lily a quick greeting before turning back to his daughter. "Look, Toad! It's Auntie Lily!" His voice was bright and animated and filled with love. "Let's get you decent and then you can meet her."

Lily knew that some people did refer to non-relatives as auntie or uncle, but the implications of it still filled her with an unexpected happiness. Although Cal had barely spoken to her, she felt welcome and important. Ethan took her through to the living room so they could sit down and on the way, Lily caught a whiff of lasagne that reminded that not only had she not eaten for six hours, she was actually hungry.

"Sorry about the smell," said Ethan.

"It smells lovely," said Lily.

Ethan looked surprised.

"The lasagne?" said Lily, wondering if she'd made a terrible mistake.

"Oh! Right! Yes! Sorry," said Ethan. "I thought I could smell baby sick. Though I've been smelling it all day, so it's probably on me if anything. Excuse me: do you mind if I go and change?"

"Of course I don't mind," said Lily. She was still waiting for Ethan to return when Cal arrived with Matilda in his arms.

"Here she is! My beautiful little daughter!" Cal kissed the small bundle clasped against his chest and sat down beside Lily. "Isn't she the cutest little thing? Her name's Matilda, after Mum, but I call her Toad."

Lily looked at the not particularly amphibious-looking baby and then at the proud dad. "She looks nothing like a toad to me. But she is... lovely. Yes."

"Would you like to hold her?" Cal was beaming. He looked about as much like his normal self as Matilda looked like a toad.

Lily did not want to hold her, but she was conscious that to refuse might hurt Cal's feelings. "Of course," she said, and held out her arms.


	13. Chapter 13

**Bonnie** **Sveen Fan** , I'm glad you liked Lily meeting Matilda. You'll find out how well she copes with holding her in this chapter! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , it can be terrifying holding other people's babies. Lily will know how to hold a baby, but she probably isn't nearly as confident with talking to them - or saying the right things to satisfy her dad! Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you enjoyed the latest chapter. I'm really happy you like the way I'm portraying Lily's thoughts too - I like her a lot, but she is complicated!

 _Thank you to **RachelKatie14** for the follow._

* * *

Cal kept Matilda's head supported as he handed her to Lily. "Put your hand under her head like that. And can you hold your other arm like this? That's good."

"I know how to hold a baby," said Lily.

"Oh, right, yeah. Course you do," said Cal. "I tend to forget everything when I'm with her. Just that she's mine and she's adorable and I've never been so happy."

"And you're sure she is yours?" asked Lily, concerned. Judging from what she'd heard from Ethan, Cal had not taken a paternity test and they had no particular reason to trust the baby's mother. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Cal looked offended. "Of course she's mine! How can you even ask that? Her mother told her she was mine and she wouldn't lie to me."

Lily mumbled an apology, but as she did so, there was an incredulous sound from the doorway and Lily looked up to see Ethan, smartly-dressed in a clean shirt and trousers. Lily felt herself struggling to breathe. He looked so…

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean?" Cal asked Ethan.

"Oh, nothing," said Ethan.

"Look, _Nibbles_ , if you've got something to say, you go ahead and say it," said Cal.

"Okay, _Caleb_ ," said Ethan. "I was just thinking that there were one or two pretty big examples of Matilda's mother not telling you the truth."

"That doesn't mean she always lies!" said Cal. "And she wasn't seeing anyone behind my back. She didn't have time!"

Ethan looked sympathetic, but he stood his ground. "We shouldn't discuss this in front of our guest. I apologise, Lily. Caleb?"

"What?"

Ethan nodded towards Lily.

Lily had no idea what Ethan wanted Cal to do, but she wanted the uncomfortable moment to be over. She felt tense and trapped. She wanted to run and perhaps if Matilda hadn't been in her arms, she would have done.

Cal jammed his hands in his pockets and glared at the floor. "Sorry, Lily, for objecting when our guest chose to make insinuations against my daughter."

"I did not mean…" mumbled Lily. "I am sorry, Cal. I was concerned."

"Yeah, well, maybe it's _none_ of your concern!" said Cal heatedly.

"Caleb!" said Ethan sharply. He came over to Lily. "I'm so sorry, Lily. Having a baby in the house is wonderful, but it does tend to lead to sleepless nights and bad tempers. Your concern is very reasonable. I should have explained that Cal is touchy on the subject of paternity tests."

"Wouldn't you be if you knew she was your daughter and everyone you knew was questioning it?" said Cal.

Ethan held up his hand. "Let's just leave it, okay?"

Lily was beginning to wish she'd never accepted Ethan's invitation. She felt upset and close to tears and all she wanted was to hand Matilda to Ethan and run.

Then Matilda opened her eyes wide, staring straight into Lily's eyes.

Lily knew Matilda probably wouldn't be able to focus her eyes yet, but in that moment, it seemed as though she was looking right into Lily's.

Lily felt a rush of warmth and even happiness.

Matilda really didn't seem to hate her. Perhaps things would change once she got to know her, but she seemed comfortable in Lily's arms… and was that a slight smile on her lips or was it just wind?

Lily hadn't known she was going to do it, but she suddenly felt her lips connect with Matilda's forehead. The baby gurgled and squeaked and Lily found herself laughing.

"Um, Lily? Earth to Lily?" ShCal waved a hand in front of her face. "I was asking if you wanted to keep hold of her while I serve up, but I think I know the answer!"

Lily smiled down at Matilda. "She is beautiful, Cal. I would like to keep holding her if you are happy for me to do so."

"Of course I'm happy! I'm really pleased you're getting on so well with her." Cal was all smiles now Lily had complimented his daughter. He dug Ethan in the ribs on the way out of the room. "Looks like Lily's broody, mate. You could be in there!"

"Oh, grow up, Caleb!" said Ethan. His cheeks were red as he sat beside Lily and Matilda. "How are you, my sweetheart?"

Lily felt a little jolt at his words. Had he really just called her his sweetheart?

Ethan started tickling Matilda's tummy. "Well, you certainly look very happy. I think Auntie Lily likes you!"

Lily's next sensation was not so much a jolt as a punch. Of course she wasn't his sweetheart. As anyone with any sense would have known!

"Lily, you don't mind being… are you okay?" said Ethan. He smiled understandingly. "Would you like me to take her?"

Lily looked at Matilda and tried to regain her self-possession. "I am fine. I am just… not used to babies, but Matilda is beautiful and I love holding her."

"She has that effect on me too," said Ethan, with a soppy smile.

"What were you going to ask me?" said Lily, trying not to think about how adorable Ethan. She should not be thinking that. Ethan was her friend – and she was in mourning.

"Oh… um…" Ethan looked uncertain. "Oh, yes. I was just asking if you minded being 'Auntie Lily'. If you'd rather be just Lily or Dr Chao or something…"

"No, I am happy with 'Auntie Lily'," said Lily, after a moment or two. "It is neither too formal nor too informal. It is perfect."

Ethan smiled and bent over Lily to kiss Matilda. Lily felt herself tense at his closeness, her breathing shallow. She remembered selecting Ethan as a suitable future husband. One of her very few doubts was how well he would bond with a baby, but she had no such doubts now.

Matilda gave a little squeak of pleasure and Lily smiled. "She is beautiful, Ethan. She is beautiful." She had a feeling she'd said that already, but the words flowed out of her. It was stating the obvious, yet it could not be said too many times.

"And do you know something?" said Ethan, as he caught one of his niece's small hands in his. "She screamed and screamed when Zoe, Max, Lofty and even Robyn held her for the first time. She obviously likes you very much, Lily." He smiled.

"Dinner is served!" announced Cal.

Lily was slightly disappointed when Ethan took Matilda from her, but she could scarcely eat and cuddle a baby at the same time. Ethan stood back, letting her go first.

"I'm sitting here next to Matilda," said Cal, "but apart from that, you can sit where you like, Lily."

Lily frowned at the high chair beside Cal. "Isn't Matilda a bit young for that?" Though perhaps 'high chair' wasn't quite right. It was much lower than any Lily had ever seen, but its function was clear.

Cal looked surprised, then annoyed. "Do you really think I'd put her in one of she was too young?"

"No, of course not. I did not mean…" Lily was uncomfortably aware she'd said something wrong again.

Ethan gave her a reassuring smile. "Matilda is too young for a normal high chair. But we want her to enjoy the social side of meal times so we got her a special reclining chair. She's fully supported, but she gets to interact with us and see some of what's going on."

"It's a good idea," said Lily. "It is good to treat your child as part of the family from the start."

Cal glowered down at his plate. "I'm so pleased you approve," he muttered sarcastically.

Lily bit her lip. She hadn't meant for it to sound like approval. "Of course, her sight will not allow her to see very much," she said nervously, "but I'm sure it's good for her to be included."

"She can detect light and movement," snapped Cal. "And there will be plenty of both."

"Yes, of course," said Lily quickly. "I'm sure it will be excellent stimulation for Matilda."

Cal slapped his hands onto the table, causing the cutlery to vibrate and Matilda to emit a small squeak.

"Caleb. Lily didn't say anything wrong," said Ethan firmly. He lowered Matilda into her chair, but Cal reached out and took her from his brother.

"Matilda wants a cuddle with Daddy first… don't you, Toad? Well done for being such a good girl for Auntie Lily."

His voice and his mood had changed completely now he had his daughter in his arms, but Lily couldn't help wondering if he was implying that being a good girl for Auntie Lily would require a superhuman effort.

Cal kissed Matilda's forehead and cheeks. "Aren't you the cutest little toad in the world?"

Ethan laughed. "Aren't you the most-besotted daddy in the world?"

"Yes – and I know who the most-besotted uncle is, so don't you start," said Cal. He kissed Matilda again and put her into the chair.

Lily was relieved to see Matilda did look very comfortable, though she stopped herself from saying so.

"So, Lily, what have you been up to?" asked Cal.

Lily felt slightly confused. "Up to?"

"What have you been doing with yourself?" said Cal.

"Working and studying," said Lily. "Arranging the funeral."

"Oh, right," said Cal. "Sorry."

Lily saw the slightly embarrassed look on his face and felt guilty. She'd wanted to answer his question and 'working and studying' had seemed such a boring answer.

"What are you studying at the moment, Lily?" asked Ethan with a warm smile.

"The associative stigmata of infective endocarditis," said Lily. She paused, wondering if her answer was too brief. Perhaps she should give more information. "Such as the painful raised red lesions on the hands and feet known as Osler's nodes."

"Not while I'm eating, please," said Cal.

Lily felt terrible. She lowered her fork. "I'm sorry, Cal."

"It's all right," said Ethan quickly. "Cal's not serious. He says exactly the same when I try to talk about work matters at the dinner table. So naturally, Cal, we can't talk about clubbing either."

"Clubbing?" said Cal blankly. "Why can't we talk about clubbing? Apart from the fact that you two have probably only been once between you?"

"Clubbing is the seventh and rarest of the associated stigmata," said Lily. "It is a condition that affects the nails."

"Stigmata," said Ethan happily. "I'm pleased you used the correct plural. The incorrect plural 'stigmas' has caused me many deep traumata."

"No correct plurals while I'm eating, please, Ethan," said Cal. He tickled Matilda's bare feet. "Who's got the cutest little feet in the world?"

"I think you mean 'foots'," said Lily.

Cal stared at her and even Ethan looked a little bit confused.

Lily felt awkward again. "You said no correct plurals at the dinner table. You then used a correct plural: feet. So I was…" Her voice trailed away as she saw Cal's shocked face.

Ethan started to laugh. "Well done, Lily. You have silenced the Knight. Please come to dinner more often so I can see you do it again."


	14. Chapter 14

_I'm sorry the last chapter wasn't very good. It was difficult to write, but it needed to be done so this chapter would make sense._

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I think Lily and Cal are both struggling at the moment. It's difficult losing a father and difficult becoming a father.

 **CBloom2** , Cal is stressed and sleep-deprived and Taylor has been messing with his emotions again. So I hope there's some excuse for him! The kiss should happen soon. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to Strizzy for the favourite._

* * *

The car was silent as Ethan drove Lily home. She wanted to break the silence, but she didn't know what to say. She doubted there was anything she could say to make this better.

She stared out in front of her, desperately trying to hold back her tears. She didn't want to do anything else to make Ethan regret inviting her. He'd been nothing but kind, but the silence told Lily how deeply he was regretting his invitation.

Lily felt the car slow and then stop. She heard the click as Ethan pulled up the handbrake. Lily blinked again and turned to face Ethan. Her throat felt clogged, but she knew she had to speak. "Ethan, I'm so sorry."

She heard Ethan's slight gasp and a moment later, his hand grasped hers. Lily found herself clinging to it, grateful for his comforting warmth. His hand felt strong yet gentle, but there was surprise in his voice as he said: "Lily, what on earth do you have to apologise for? I was about to apologise to you."

Lily lifted her head, surprised in her turn. Too much so to worry about the tears in her eyes. She blinked hard against them and looked into Ethan's handsome face, which showed both regret and confusion. "You haven't done anything wrong, Ethan. It is me. I don't know how to speak to people. I always say the wrong thing."

"That's not true," said Ethan, his eyes holding hers. There was an expression almost of fierceness in them, but Lily knew it wasn't anger. It seemed more like protectiveness… but that seemed most unlikely.

Angry with herself, Lily dropped her gaze to her lap. Ethan wasn't interested and she needed to stop seeing signs that weren't there.

"You hardly ever say the wrong thing," continued Ethan, his voice gentle but filled with certainty. "No more than most people. Probably considerably less than I do." A slight hardness came into his tone. "Certainly less than Cal."

Confusion caused Lily to raise her eyes again. "Cal was only angry because I said the wrong thing."

Ethan shook his head slowly and smiled at her. "Lily, the observations you made were reasonable and motivated by concern. I could see that even if Cal couldn't."

"But there must be something wrong," said Lily, as more tears filled her eyes. "No-one likes me."

"I like you," said Ethan.

"But no-one else does," said Lily tightly. She brushed her hand underneath her eyes and breathed deeply, but another wave of emotion overcame her and more tears spilled down her cheeks. She pulled her hand from Ethan's. "I am sorry. I must go."

She turned and opened the car door, only to stop when she realised they weren't outside her flat. She turned to Ethan, not understanding; aware of the cold draft from the open door behind her but making no attempt to close it.

"We're not home yet," said Ethan apologetically. "I'm sorry: I know it looks a bit odd to park in the middle of nowhere. But I'm worried about you, Lily. I thought it might help to talk."

Lily tried to tell him she had nothing to say, but then she realised it wasn't true. Her remorse swelled and threatened to engulf her. She felt Ethan take her hand again.

"It's all right," he said softly. "I'm here."

"I'm sorry," sobbed Lily, as Ethan's hand squeezed hers. "I'm sorry for being a bad guest."

"You weren't," said Ethan gently as his other hand touched her shoulder. "Cal was a bad host and I'm so sorry."

Lily's tears fell faster. Ethan's hand moved towards her shoulder blade and increased the pressure just slightly.

"Come here," he whispered. "It's okay, Lily."

Lily raised her eyes to his. Through her tears, she saw kindness and compassion. She felt him press her shoulder again and she seemed almost to collapse into his arms. He held her tightly against him and murmured softly, wordless sounds of comfort. Lily felt her skin tingle, even though he wasn't touching any part of it. Then she felt only his comforting warmth. Gradually, her sobs began to calm and although she sensed a feeling from Ethan that might have been relief but didn't seem to be accompanied by impatience.

"It's okay, Lily. It's okay. You haven't done anything wrong. I promise."

"But I have," said Lily. "Everything I try to do goes wrong."

Ethan patted her shoulder tentatively. "That's not true, Lily. I know it seems like that sometimes. You're grieving and that makes everything so much more difficult. But what happened today really wasn't your fault. Cal is a bit oversensitive at the moment and he's hardly sleeping. Even if Matilda's asleep, Cal is often awake, worrying about her. Also, I think he knows as well as we do that Taylor's word can't be trusted, but he can't bear the thought of Matilda's not being his. That makes him want to attack anyone who suggests the possibility."

Lily sniffed. "But Cal was right. It was not my concern."

"I think it's the immediate thought of anyone who meets Matilda and knows something about Taylor," said Ethan.

"But I… I…" Lily broke off in frustration as the words wouldn't come.

Ethan brushed a strand of hair away from her face. "I think I'd better take you home. You've been through so much lately. If you want to talk some more, of course I'm here to listen, but you've had such a difficult few days and you must be exhausted. How about I come over tomorrow, then we can talk about this properly?"

Lily wiped her hands across her cheeks. "So, you think there is something to talk about."

Ethan took one of her hands in his and waited till she was looking at him. "Lily, when you're this upset, there's always something to talk about."

Lily looked into his eyes, completely captivated. They were a beautiful dark brown, filled not only with concern but with an emotion that might have been affection. "I would like to talk to you, Ethan. Thank you."

Ethan nodded and smiled. "I could come to see you tomorrow, at lunchtime."

"I would like that," said Lily softly, gazing at him with wonder. "But why would you want to see me again after what I did?"

Ethan's thumb ghosted lightly across the back of her hand. Lily's breath caught.

"You did nothing and of course I want to see you again," said Ethan. "You're my friend and I care about you and I want to help you. Please let me come and see you tomorrow, Lily."

"Yes," said Lily, her voice barely above a whisper. "I would like that."

"So would I." Ethan smiled and squeezed her hand before releasing it. "I'll take you home now. I would recommend an early night, but you'll know better than me about what you need. Early nights can make it worse if you have no chance of sleeping."

"I… I will try to sleep," said Lily. She usually preferred to make her own decisions, but she was so tired and for once she didn't mind being told what to do. In any case, Ethan was right. "Thank you, Ethan."

Ethan smiled. "I'm sure you'd say the same if our positions were reversed. Now: I'd better take you home."

* * *

The car was silent again as Ethan drove, but it felt different this time. Lily knew she'd done wrong, but she believed now that Ethan wasn't angry. He cared about her. He wanted to help.

Lily didn't usually like to accept help from others, but she knew she needed help. If she wanted her life to proceed as she'd planned, something would have to change. She couldn't get married if nobody liked her and she couldn't have children unless she got married.

She stared out of the window, tears crowding her eyes.

She hadn't forgotten Ethan saying he liked her very much as she was and he didn't want her to be more like Alicia, but there was no doubt in Lily's mind that if she was more like Alicia, her life would be easier.

Lily had never wished for an easy life before. She liked to be challenged.

But at that moment, an easy life did sound appealing.

* * *

Ethan walked Lily to the door. She unlocked it and then turned to face him. She felt awkward and rather shy, but Ethan's warm smile went some way towards calming her unexpected nerves.

"I really am sorry about dinner," said Lily.

Ethan's voice was gentle. " _I_ really am absolutely sure that you have nothing to apologise for. I will be having stern words with Caleb when I get home, but I have no stern words for you." Ethan reached out and placed a tentative hand on her arm. "Please try not to have too many stern words with yourself, Lily. You really don't need to and this isn't a good time to put yourself under pressure."

Lily felt herself shiver at his words. He was so lovely. She felt another wave of regret that they could never be anything more than friends. There could be no better husband than Ethan.

But there could also be no better friend and she needed to learn to be happy with that.

Ethan's brows drew together in a frown. Even when frowning, he looked sweet. "Lily, you're shivering. You should go inside. But I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?" He squeezed her arm lightly and let go.

"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow." Lily longed to step forward, her arms outstretched and be held in his comforting embrace one more time, but she didn't dare. She ached for his touch and momentarily considered shaking hands, just so she could feel his skin on hers, but she dismissed the idea at once. While hugging was a step too far, they were well beyond shaking hands. "Thank you, Ethan."

Ethan smiled. "There's no need. Really. But you're always welcome, Lily. Always." He smiled again and turned away, only to turn back. "And thank you for coming to dinner. I enjoyed your company very much and so did Matilda. I've never seen her so comfortable with someone she'd only just met. As for Caleb… just leave him to me. Good night, Lily. Sleep well."

"Good night, Ethan."

Lily didn't close the door until Ethan had driven away.


	15. Chapter 15

**CBloom2** , I haven't written the scene between Cal and Ethan so you can decide for yourself how understanding Ethan was! But I can imagine Ethan might calm down when saw how completely exhausted Cal was. I love Ethan's gentlemanliness! If Cal's being a gentleman, I tend to think it's quite _cal_ culated, but with Ethan, I think it's natural. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , Ethan can comfort me anytime! I should think a lot of men would like to be comforted by Ethan as well - and not just the gay ones. He's so sympathetic and easy to talk to. I really hope he hasn't lost that now he's 'more Cal'. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I have to agree with you about that! Ethan is one of the sweetest men ever.

 **xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx** , thank you for your review. I agree with you - I would love to see more of Lily's weaker and more vulnerable side. It's sad they didn't show more of her point of view in the Alicia storyline. I hope she gets a new storyline soon!

 **xMissWhitneyBexx** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you're still reading and enjoying the story. I'm really enjoying writing it so thank you again for the request.

* * *

Lily had never worried too much about what she should wear.

Her interest in clothes had increased when she'd taken the (in hindsight) embarrassing step of trying to marry herself off to Ethan, and after becoming a registrar, she'd decided it was necessary to dress smartly in order to appear competent and professional. She knew how to dress for work and she'd developed some idea of how to dress to attract a man – not that it had actually worked – but dressing for lunch with a friend was something else.

It would have been difficult anyway, not knowing how formal she should be, but it was complicated even further when she was in mourning. Black clothes were a necessity. It was the traditional colour for the daughter of a deceased person in her own culture as well as a tradition in her adopted British culture. Lily didn't follow either tradition that closely – as a daughter of the deceased, it should really have been her responsibility, and not her mother's, to organise the funeral. But she had formulated her own interpretation of correct etiquette, which was strongly influenced by her father's beliefs, and she wanted to show respect in the way her father would have wanted.

Much of the funeral would follow the traditional route, but Lily's father had always been concerned with the image Lily presented to the outside world. As she lived and worked in Britain, she must embrace the British culture and would wear black so everyone would know that she respected her father.

She had so many mixed feelings towards him now, but she did respect him.

It reassured Lily to know that Ethan would be smartly-dressed too. Unless he came in his scrubs, which Lily could not imagine him doing, a shirt and trousers would be the most informal garments he was likely to wear.

But none of Lily's clothes seemed right and the more she thought about it, the guiltier she felt. Her father would not like her to spend so much time in something as frivolous as clothes. He would be angry enough that she still wasn't back at work.

In the end, Lily grabbed the nearest item from the bed – a knee-length black skirt. She close a sleeveless black top to go with it. It would have to do. She had lunch to prepare.

As she didn't want to risk spilling food on her outfit, Lily remained in the more informal black clothes she'd put on that morning. She went to the fridge and was horrified to find it almost empty. The lettuce was far too limp for her to consider giving it to a guest and it would be an understatement to say the tomatoes weren't fit for human consumption.

Lily threw the food away and stood in the centre of the kitchen, her hands in her hair. It was true that she hadn't had much time to prepare for this lunch: she'd only invited Ethan last night and she'd gone to bed soon after arriving home. But she'd always believed she was too organised to let the food run out.

As ordering fast food for Ethan was definitely not an option, she would have to make a shopping trip. Lily changed her heels for flat shoes and got on her bike, but the engine refused to start. A few things came to mind of what might be wrong, but they would take time and there was a fair chance it would be a problem Lily couldn't fix herself, or at least couldn't fix quickly.

She abandoned the bike and walked to the shops instead. She was breathless by the time she arrived and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She knew that was more due to anxiety than exertion, but after another broken night's sleep, she was tired. She went to the supermarket and grabbed a basket, moving as quickly as the other shoppers allowed and cursing inwardly at the supermarket staff's annoying habit of moving everything around. What was the point of that? The previous arrangement had been more than adequate, particularly for someone like Lily who tended to buy the same things all the time and approved of the convenience of finding everything where she expected it to be.

Lily doubted Ethan would expect or want an entirely cooked lunch, so she'd decided to give him a pasta salad. Pasta would be warming, but not too heavy on his stomach, which he'd appreciate if he was going to be going back to work soon after he'd eaten it. Lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, cheese, coleslaw… everything would be simple to prepare. She added a bag of small rolls and some butter to her basket and was already in a queue for one of the checkouts when she remembered dessert. Ethan might not want or expect it, but what if he did? He would be far from impressed if Lily could offer him nothing.

Lily checked her watch and was horrified to discover how little time she had – but she needed a second course. As quickly as she could, Lily ran to the delicatessen and grabbed the first thing she saw.

Jam doughnuts. That would do nicely: she couldn't imagine anyone, much less Ethan, objecting to a jam doughnut or two.

* * *

When Lily finally left the shop, she knew she was running short of time. She couldn't walk home, but the buses weren't that reliable. She could be waiting for ages and the bus wouldn't go very close to her flat, so it would waste a lot of time. Lily considered taxis an extravagance, but she decided it was worth it if the alternative was Ethan going hungry.

She found and empty taxi easily enough. The taxi driver was annoyingly chatty and extremely nosy, but he soon shut up once Lily had brought her father's funeral into the conversation. When the driver fell silent, she felt a moment's satisfaction, but then she felt guilty. She didn't want to use her father's death in order to get the silence she craved.

Finally, the taxi stopped outside her flat. She paid and got out, only to freeze in horror as she saw the figure standing on the doorstep.

Ethan…

Lily cast another panicked glance at her watch. She felt momentary relief that it was only half-past twelve. She hadn't been expecting Ethan till one.

Ethan turned and saw her. "Hey, Lily. How are you?" He came towards her. In his arms was a large plant pot containing a cactus. "Sorry. I really wanted to bring you something, but I only bought you flowers a couple of days ago and I thought it would be inappropriate to bring wine – and I shouldn't really be drinking at lunchtime anyway." He shifted the cactus awkwardly into one arm and held out his hand for Lily's bag. "Shall I take that?"

"No!" said Lily, more abruptly than she'd intended, but she was in a bit of a panic. "I mean… I-I wasn't expecting you so early."

Ethan went a bit red and embarrassed-looking. "I'm so sorry. I thought that as we usually have lunch at twelve on Wednesdays…"

Lily stared blankly at him. "Wednesday?"

It was Ethan's turn to look confused. "It is Wednesday, isn't it? Oh gosh. I hope I haven't left before the end of my shift. Mrs Beauchamp would eat me alive and Cal will still be laughing about it this time next year."

"No. No, I'm sure you haven't," said Lily, but she wasn't sure at all. It frightened her. How could she be in control of her life when she didn't even know what day it was?

The confusion on Ethan's face was replaced by concern. "Please don't worry, Lily. It's my fault. I should have asked you. But I haven't been here long. Only about a minute. I thought maybe you were cooking or something."

Lily wondered guiltily if perhaps Ethan had expected a proper cooked lunch. "I… um… I haven't started cooking yet. But it shouldn't take long."

"That's all right," said Ethan, smiling at her. "I can either help you or I can sit down and have a rest. Either is fine."

Lily felt some of the tension melt from her shoulders. She still thought it was terrible that she was so unprepared, but it had been silly to imagine that Ethan might be annoyed with her. She felt in her bag for her key. She opened it and looked properly. _Please don't tell me I've…_ "Ethan, I think I've locked myself out."

Ethan placed a reassuring hand on her arm. "That's all right, Lily. Come back to my flat. Cal's taken Matilda out for lunch – which seems ridiculous to me: why on earth would you take a baby less than a week old out to lunch? But he was adamant that he knew what he was doing, which is always a bad sign, but-" Ethan cut himself off. "Sorry. Anyway, as I was saying, it should just be the two of us."

"Thank you," said Lily. Guilt made the words more clipped than she'd intended. "I have the food with me, so I would only need to use your cooker and work top."

Ethan smiled. "They're entirely at your disposal, Lily."

"And could I please have a lift back to the hospital with you afterwards?" said Lily, barely able to keep eye contact. She hated asking such a favour, even though it wouldn't make that much difference when he was going that way already. "I have a spare key in my locker."

"Of course, Lily, but I'm fairly sure you gave me one of the spare keys to your flat," said Ethan. "So we can try that first."

"Thank you. I'd forgotten," said Lily. She moved towards Ethan's car, only to stop in alarm. "I haven't got changed."

Ethan looked her up and down. "You look lovely to me. I mean…" He blushed. "I mean, you look perfectly acceptable. Very nice. Not at all inappropriately-dressed for lunch."

Lily was still reeling from the 'lovely'. "I… um… thank you, Ethan. For your kindness and your kitchen and your… cactus."

Ethan smiled. "Please don't worry. It really is no trouble and everything will be okay."


	16. Chapter 16

**westlife4ever80** , she is nervous! Though I would probably feel nervous too if I was having lunch with Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , pasta salad is one of my favourites! I'm glad you like the shyness Ethan and Lily get on so well at work and studying together, but lunch together is a step closer to being a date. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , don't worry - the kiss will happen! Not in this chapter, but there's not much longer to wait. I want them to kiss too, but one of them really needs to take the lead... and there's the problem! Thank you for your review.

 **Gingersnaps2507** , 'oh dear' is right! I'm glad you picked up on why Lily hasn't made the best choice of dessert. Thank you for your review.

* * *

At last, everything was ready. Lily put all the food apart from the doughnuts on two plates and carried them out to the dining table. Ethan had his nose in a textbook and didn't seem aware of her. Lily cleared her throat a couple of times, but Ethan was clearly lost in his studying.

"Ethan?" said Lily at last, feeling absurdly shy at the domesticity of their situation. "Lunch is ready."

Ethan carefully marked his place in the book and walked to the table, a smile on his face. "It looks lovely, Lily. Does it matter where I sit?" Lily shook her head and Ethan pulled out one of the chairs.

She expected him to sit down, but instead he remained behind the chair, gesturing for her to sit down.

Startled, Lily was unsure at first whether she' d read his signal correctly and didn't move. To think that Ethan would do that for her…

Ethan turned bright red. "I'm sorry. I suppose it is ridiculously formal of me."

"But it is very nice and… caring," said Lily, desperate to make him feel better – and almost as desperately hoping that he wouldn't let go of the chair and leave her to seat herself.

"It's the least I can do after you've prepared such a lovely meal." Ethan kept hold of the chair as Lily sat down. Carefully, he pushed the chair under the table.

Lily's knee hit a table leg, but it didn't hurt that much and it was very easy to smile as she thanked him.

Ethan, looking slightly flustered, went to sit in the other chair. He offered Lily a choice of drinks and when Lily made her selection, Ethan poured it for her.

It was… nice. Lily couldn't remember the last time someone had done this for her.

Actually, she could remember. The last person to do this for her had been Cal, but he'd had very different intentions from Ethan.

All Ethan wanted was to be her friend…

Lily felt momentarily sad, but not for long. After all, not many people wanted to be her friend and she didn't think she'd had a better friend than Ethan in her whole life.

"How are you?" asked Ethan diffidently.

Lily knew it wasn't just a casual enquiry. "I'm all right. I'm sorry about last night. I overreacted."

Ethan shook his head. "You really didn't. The only reason I didn't insist that Caleb apologised to you is because I thought you might prefer it if he didn't."

"You were right," said Lily. She looked into Ethan's eyes. He always seemed to understand what she needed. "Thank you." She tried to convey in the two words how much she meant it.

"So let's draw a line under it and say it hasn't happened," said Ethan, drawing an imaginary line in the air with his fork. Unfortunately, the piece of pasta he'd just speared ended up on the table.

Ethan looked horrified, but as his eyes met Lily's, they both began to laugh.

Lily couldn't understand it. She didn't understand why it was funny and now the table would need cleaning. But somehow, it was hilarious. "Very well," she said when she'd stopped laughing. "It hasn't happened."

Ethan frowned and looked exaggeratedly confused. "What hasn't happened?"

"Nothing," said Lily.

"Just as I thought."

Lily hesitated. "Though I would still like your help, Ethan. I would like people to like me more. My father told me that being respected was more important than being liked and for a long time, I believed that. But I see you all having fun. Laughing and joking. I don't know how to join in, but I sometimes can't help wishing I could."

"I'm not really sure I know how to join in either," said Ethan. "Often when they're having fun, it's because I've said something stupid or because Cal's just told them a funny story about me. I really do feel on the fringes of things. But as I said, I'm happy to do everything I can to help."

Lily had some more pasta. "To begin with, what should I say when I see Alicia?"

There was a thoughtful expression on Ethan's face as he chewed a piece of cucumber. "Well, you could say hello," he said with utter seriousness. "I promise I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but it's never a bad place to start. Well, if you have a patient in critical condition and Mrs Beauchamp has just arrived to help, perhaps then 'hello' would be unprofessional. But in the context of seeing Alicia for the first time in a working day, I believe a greeting is appropriate."

"Okay," said Lily. She usually greeted the junior doctor's enthusiastic: "Hey, Lily!" with a more reserved: "Dr Munroe." She had considered it professional, but on reflection, not many of the hospital staff greeted each other in that manner. Mrs Beauchamp did and Lily liked to model herself on Mrs Beauchamp, but she wasn't part of the crowd any more than Lily was – and perhaps that wasn't just out of personal choice. The others did not feel the same sense of warmth towards her as they did towards Zoe – and Zoe, for all her drunken ways and bewildering taste in men, had proved an adequate clinical lead.

"And then, maybe, you could ask Alicia how she is?" suggested Ethan diffidently. "I mean, not if there's some kind of emergency, but it doesn't really take long to ask someone how they are. I never used to do it when I first started out because I was scared they'd think I was unprofessional, but most of them asked me how I was, so I decided it must be all right."

Lily was about to ask him what the not-so-nice ones had said, but the thought came into her mind that this might be an awkward question for Ethan. He might prefer not to talk about it – and in any case, Lily didn't want to hear about people being unkind to Ethan. She had a feeling it would make her angry. "Hey, Alicia. How are you?" she said experimentally.

Ethan smiled at her encouragingly. "That's good. And you needn't worry about getting a long and detailed reply. She'll just say she's fine, no matter what. But I think, though I'm not the best person to ask about social interaction, the fact you bothered to ask shows that you care. So if ever one day Alicia isn't all right, she might feel able to tell you. Perhaps not then, but at an appropriate moment."

"Perhaps," said Lily with interest. "And can I say this to everyone in the hospital?"

"I… well, again, I'm really not the best person to ask," said Ethan, "but if you're just walking past someone, 'hey' should be enough, unless you have a particular reason to stop and speak to them. If you meet someone in the staff room or at the nurse's station and you're standing next to them for a time, then you could ask how they are."

"Then belatedly," said Lily, trying not to feel silly: "Hey, Ethan. How are you?"

"I'm very well, thank you, Lily," said Ethan. He paused. "Though if I did meet you in the staff room, I might not say all that. I'd probably stick to: 'Fine, thanks. You?'."

Lily frowned in concentration, lowering her knife and fork to her plate. "So, if someone says 'Hey, Lily. How are you?' before I've had a chance to speak, I don't greet them? I go straight to replying to their enquiry about my health and then asking my own?"

Ethan looked thoughtful. Lily tried not to think about how adorable he was. After a few seconds, Ethan smiled and nodded. "Yes, I would say that is correct. Though you might find there's time to insert your own greeting in between their greeting and their enquiry. But you might need to be very quick."

"This is fascinating," said Lily. "Thank you, Ethan. When I see Alicia next, I will do as you say."

A slightly worried look came to Ethan's face. "That's good, Lily, but there's something else you should probably say too. You might not like it. It does involve saying something you might see as untruthful. But sometimes it's better to lie if it means you avoid hurting someone's feelings. It also helps the professional relationship to run more smoothly."

"What's that?" said Lily. "Are you suggesting I tell Alicia it's nice to see her? Why would I tell anyone it is nice to see them when all they have done is come to their place of work?"

Ethan shook his head. His mouth twitched slightly at one corner, but he didn't laugh. "I agree that would be rather excessive. In fact, in the workplace, I believe that comment can have overtones of sarcasm. If Mrs Beauchamp tells me it's nice to see me, it generally means I'm late."

"I'm surprised," said Lily. "Usually, when someone is late, Mrs Beauchamp tells them they're late."

"When there are no patients or so-called junior personnel listening in, yes," agreed Ethan. "However, when there is someone listening, Mrs Beauchamp retains her professionalism with an oblique comment."

Lily was finding Ethan's whole point slightly oblique, but after a moment's consideration, she decided it might hurt his feelings if she said so. He was trying so hard to explain something that often seemed, to Lily, incomprehensible.

"What I was thinking," said Ethan, a note of apology creeping into his tone, "was that you should probably thank Alicia for the flowers and soup."

Lily looked at him in dismay, but she knew he was right. "What should I say?"

"Um… what do you think you should say?" said Ethan.

Lily didn't know, but she liked the idea of trying to solve the problem for herself. "I will begin by saying 'thank you for the flowers and the soup, Alicia'. And then I will say… I will say 'It was very thoughtful of you'."

"That sounds perfect," said Ethan, looking genuinely happy for her. "Then she'll probably say something in response. If it was me, I would say 'you're very welcome' or 'it was a pleasure' or something like that. Cal would say something like: 'Anytime, beautiful.' And then the conversation will probably be over."

 _Anytime, beautiful_.

To Lily, it was one of the sweetest sounds she'd ever heard. She found that hearing Ethan say things like that, even when he was quoting Cal, made her feel a bit shivery.

More than a bit shivery.


	17. Chapter 17

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Ethan comes over as being lovely as that's exactly what he is! I think Lily will always try to do things well... if she can be persuaded there's a point to it!

 **westlife4ever** , I really identify with Lily (I don't agree with everything she says - far from it - but I usually find it easy to see her point of view) as I can't socialise either and people tend not to like me. Lily and I could both have social anxiety, though I think upbringing also plays a part. My mum is a lot like Lily's dad. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan swallowed his last mouthful of salad, sat back, and smiled at Lily. "That was delicious, Lily. Thank you."

"You're very welcome," said Lily, trying out the phrase Ethan had given her. "It was a pleasure."

Ethan looked genuinely impressed. "That was good! Shall I make coffee?"

"No!" said Lily. She looked guiltily at Ethan. "Does that sound rude?"

"Not to me," said Ethan. "To me, it sounds like you don't want me to make coffee because you're treating me and you'd rather make it yourself, which I quite understand."

Lily looked at him thoughtfully. "But you think perhaps other people might find it rude."

"Possibly," said Ethan. "People do get offended by all sorts of things and it often depends on their personality or their mood, which is outside your control. But if someone asks you a question and the answer is negative, it might be better to give a longer reply than just 'no'. A sentence."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "That sounds like a waste of time and breath."

Ethan nodded. "Theoretically, I suppose it is. You've given the necessary information. But people are funny. Sometimes you have to do things to stop them from being upset."

"They should not be so sensitive," said Lily.

"Perhaps not, Lily, but the fact is, people are sensitive," said Ethan. "There's nothing we can do to change that, but what we can do is try to make sure they're not upset. And I would say that stopping the people you care about from being upset is very important. I would gladly spend time and breath and even money to ensure my friends are happy."

Lily nodded thoughtfully. "So, when you offered to make coffee, I should have made a longer reply. Would 'no, thank you, Ethan' be more appropriate?"

Ethan hesitated. "It is more polite than a simple 'no', but it can also seem quite dismissive. I think I always try to reply with a sentence that explains why I'm rejecting an offer."

Lily sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "It is difficult, Ethan. It is difficult and complicated. Perhaps it's something that can't be learned. It's either innate or impossible."

"No, I'm sure you can learn," said Ethan. "I'm sorry if I'm not being very encouraging. I'm probably not the best teacher because I'm not very good at social interaction myself. But please don't give up yet, Lily." He thought for a moment. "You could always follow my offer with an offer of your own."

"Shall we have dessert first?" said Lily.

"Oh, have you brought dessert?" said Ethan. "How lovely. What is it?"

Lily tried to make her answer into a longer sentence. "I have brought jam doughnuts."

It seemed that Ethan hesitated for a fraction of a second. "That sounds… lovely. That's so thoughtful of you, Lily. I'll find some plates."

* * *

After eating their doughnuts, they sat on the sofa to drink their coffee. Lily was very aware of how close she was to Ethan. It made her happy, but she was also experiencing the feeling that he wasn't close enough. She wanted to close the gap between them and feel his leg against hers.

"What are you thinking?" said Ethan.

Lily jumped. "Nothing!" She realised her reply was brief and rather loud. "I am sorry. That was abrupt. I mean, nothing of any interest. Or does that sound like I'm telling you to mind your own business? Nothing important. Perhaps that sounds better."

Ethan was smiling.

Lily began to feel nervous. "Is that the wrong answer too?"

"No, it's a good answer," said Ethan. "It's just… I… I like the way you've approached this. I admire your determination."

Lily wondered if she should return the compliment. "I admire your…"

 _Your patience? Your kindness? Your eyes? Your smile? Your bottom?_

Flustered, Lily had to look away. How could she even have thought that in front of Ethan? It was true that when she was walking behind Ethan, she tended to forget whatever she'd been thinking about, but that was a very private thought which Ethan would not want to know about.

"…your… explanations," said Lily at last. It wasn't ideal, but it was the best she could do when her head was so full of images.

Ethan also looked great from the back when he was wearing a suit.

 _No! I am not thinking about this! I will not think of it!_

"Lily, are you okay?" asked Ethan. His voice was anxious, but also slightly husky.

Lily turned to discover he'd leaned closer to her. Her arm brushed his. He jumped and apologised, but he didn't move away.

"I… yes… I am okay…" Lily sounded breathless.

Ethan did the most unhelpful thing he could possibly have done. He put his arm around her and angled his body so his face was close to hers. "It's okay, Lily. It's okay. Try to breathe."

 _How am I supposed to breathe when Ethan is so close to me?_

Ethan took Lily's hand in his and placed it against his chest. "Breathe with me, Lily. Breathe with me."

Lily tried, but Ethan's breathing seemed quite quick too. He covered her hand with his own.

Lily lifted her eyes to his.

"Lily…" Ethan half-whispered her name.

"Ethan," she replied. "Just.. just kiss me."

As soon as she'd said the words, she was aghast, but she wasn't able to call them back. Not when Ethan's lips were pressed against hers.

It was a slow, tentative kiss. It made her feel happy and warm and safe, and to Lily's surprise, it made her feel calmer too.

Ethan stopped kissing her, though his face remained close to hers. "It's okay, Lily. It's okay. I'm here." His voice quivered slightly with emotion as his eyes locked on hers. "I'll always be here."

He began to kiss her again. Lily realised her hands were at the back of his neck as she tried to deepen the kiss. Ethan's arms were around her too and she felt so safe.

Perhaps she could get through this. Her problems with Alicia. The loss of her father. Perhaps…

Lily stopped.

Her body went still, followed by her lips.

What was she doing? How could she be doing this now?

Ethan stopped kissing her almost at once. "Lily, are you okay? I'm sorry if I went too far."

"I… I can't do this," said Lily. She shuffled across the sofa away from him and sadness gripped her as Ethan's arms fell away.

"I'm sorry, Lily." He looked upset. "I really am so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'd better go. I need to be back at work soon anyway. No, wait. We're at my house. So I need to take you home first. I.. I… um, I'll just go to the loo, then I'll be ready."

He almost jumped up from the sofa, accidentally knocking into a chair as he made his hurried exit.

Lily let her head fall into her hands.

What had she done? Had she ruined the best friendship she'd ever had?

* * *

The car stopped outside Lily's flat. They'd been almost silent on the journey. Lily was appalled by her behaviour. To think she'd actually asked – no, _told_ – Ethan to kiss her!

The fact he'd kissed her back was of little comfort. He was probably too polite to refuse. But even if he had enjoyed it as much as she had, it was still wrong. She couldn't think of beginning a relationship now.

It was wrong. It was inappropriate. It was deeply disrespectful.

"Lily?" said Ethan in a soft voice.

Lily spoke without looking at him. "Yes?"

"We're here."

Automatically, Lily glanced out of the window. She checked her pocket for the key Ethan had given her.

Finally, reluctantly, she turned to Ethan.

And gasped.

"Ethan, you have facial urticaria," she said.

Ethan's eyes widened slightly and he peered into the driving mirror.

"Have you been stung by something?" said Lily anxiously. "Are you unwell?"

"Um… no, it's not that," said Ethan awkwardly.

"Is it the coffee I made for you?" said Lily. "Have you been taking any medications?"

"The coffee was lovely and I'm not taking any medications." Ethan looked very uncomfortable. "Though I do have medication I take for hives."

Lily found she was touching Ethan's face. She drew her hand away quickly. "It has developed very quickly. Do you feel lightheaded or nauseous? Are you in pain?"

"No, not at all," said Ethan. "It really is okay, Lily."

"Of course it's not okay!" Lily was surprised by how upset she was. "You could go into anaphylactic shock, Ethan!"

Ethan shook his head and reached for her hand. "Lily, it's okay. I didn't eat nearly enough of it to go into-" He stopped.

Lily trembled. "Do you mean it's something I gave you? The tomatoes?"

"No!" said Ethan. "It's fine. Really. All the food you gave me was lovely."

Lily ran her mind over what else he might have eaten. "Was it the doughnuts? Do you have an allergy to jam?"

"I… Lily, I'm sorry, but I really do need to get back to the ED," said Ethan.

"It was the jam, wasn't it?" said Lily. She tried to control her breathing; her emotions. "Ethan, how could you be stupid? You can't mess around with food allergies like this. Why didn't you tell me?"

Ethan sighed. "Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, Lily. I thought one doughnut wouldn't do me too much harm."

"Do you have any medication you can take?" said Lily. "Antihistamines?"

Ethan nodded. "Yes, I have some in my locker and in the car."

"Then I suggest you take some," said Lily. She examined his eyes and lips, trying not to think how his lips had tasted. Then she took his hands in her own. This caused a tingling sensation which she tried to ignore. "No: no signs of angioedema, though obviously, I haven't checked your feet or you…" She stopped, heat suffusing her face as she discovered she couldn't say the word 'genitals' to Ethan. "Can you swallow for me, please, Ethan?"

Ethan swallowed obediently. "No dysphagia."

"That's good," said Lily." I don't suppose you have a stethoscope in the car?"

Ethan shook his head. "I left it at work."

Lily leaned close to him. "Can you breathe in and out for me, Ethan? That's good. Now, you're sure you don't feel dizzy, lightheaded or nauseous? You are not in pain?"

"I really do feel fine," said Ethan. "My main concern is whether I'll terrify my patients. But thank you. For worrying about me."

 _My feelings for you are so much deeper than worry_ , thought Lily.


	18. Chapter 18

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , don't worry - I'm just really happy to get this review. Lily did ask Ethan to kiss her, but that might not be a big enough clue for Ethan to realise! He might think it was more to do with grief than him. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm not sure they could have got much closer without taking their clothes off! I don't think I'd like Ethan to help me to breathe. I know I'd completely forget how if Ethan was touching me! Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever** , thank you for your review. I've often found the attitude to be: 'We're kind enough to let you hang out with us normal people so the least you can do is behave like a normal person too.' I think Lily's done so well not to let that attitude destroy her.

* * *

The first thing Lily noticed when she returned to work the following day was Ethan's bottom.

He was underneath the table in the staff room, apparently looking for something. Her hypothesis was confirmed when she heard Ethan talking to himself.

"Where is it? I'm sure it rolled under here. Caleb, I'm going to kill you."

Lily stood uncertainly, wondering what she should do. On the one hand, it was distracting her very effectively from her nerves about returning to work.

On the other hand, even just watching him made Lily feel uncomfortably warm. She now wished she'd chosen the short-sleeved black top instead of the long-sleeved one.

"Oh, nice view!" said a voice from behind her, and she turned to see Louise.

Ethan tried to sit up and whacked his head against the table. He cried out in pain and started to whimper.

"I… I… I didn't notice!" said Lily. She started to move the stools out of the way so she could get to Ethan.

"Course you didn't," said Louise. "Your eyes were riveted by those cute little buttocks because you were fantasising about rectal surgery." A sneer crept into her voice. "Actually, knowing you, that might even be true."

Ignoring Louise, Lily dropped to her knees and put her hand on Ethan's shoulder. His glasses were crooked, but he couldn't straighten them because he was holding both hands against the back of his head. Lily noticed the signs of urticaria still on his face and felt so guilty, she was unable to speak for several seconds.

She'd tried telling herself it wasn't really her fault. She couldn't have known about Ethan's allergy and Ethan should have said something. But she couldn't help thinking he'd been to scared to mention it because she was unapproachable and intimidating.

"Ethan, it's okay," said Lily, when she could finally trust her voice. "Just take a few minutes and then I'll help you to come out."

"I should think you've helped lots of men to come out, Lily," said Louise. "One look from those icy brown eyes of yours… it would turn any guy."

"Louise, either do your job and help me or get out," said Lily.

Louise's voice took on a rather false-sounding regret. "Oh, I would really like to, Lily. Especially after you asked so nicely. But Mrs Beauchamp is expecting me in Resus."

Lily watched Louise's shoes as she left room and decided she would do a whole lot better without her. She turned back to Ethan, who'd taken his glasses off and was now wiping his eyes.

They were probably tears of pain, but it hurt Lily to see him cry. She began to run her hand up and down his arm. "It's okay, Ethan. It's okay."

"I'm sorry," said Ethan. "It just really hurt for a minute."

Lily peered under the table and told herself the nice smell was something that been sprayed on the underside of the table, rather than something had been sprayed on Ethan. "There is quite a nasty sharp edge there. Do you think you lost consciousness at all?"

"No. There was a point when the pain so bad, I longed for unconsciousness," said Ethan, "but I'm fairly sure I was conscious the whole time, unfortunately."

"Good," said Lily crisply. "Are you ready to come out now?" As soon as she said the words, she remembered Louise's interpretation of them, but she told herself Ethan was far too sweet and kind to think of pretending to misunderstand.

"I think so," said Ethan, and put his glasses back on.

Lily offered him her hand. There was then a horribly long pause when she thought Ethan might actually ignore it, but then his hand was in hers and he was squeezing it gently.

"Thanks, Lily," he said, holding her hand firmly as he crawled out and stood up, putting one hand on a stool to help steady himself.

Lily reluctantly let go of his hand and put her hand on his back instead. "Over to the sofa, please."

As Ethan walked, Lily examined him carefully for signs of dizziness or disorientation, but he walked smoothly. Lily also looked at the back of his head, but she couldn't see any blood, though she needed a closer look.

Ethan sat down on the edge of the sofa and turned away from her so she could examine the back of his head. Lily's mouth felt suddenly dry. She'd touched his hair last night and she hadn't forgotten how smooth and soft it had felt, despite the large quantities of gel she suspected he used.

A part of her wanted to run, but Lily knew she mustn't. Ethan needed her to take care of him and there was nothing she wanted more. She lifted her hands to his head and closed her eyes with a sharp inward breath as she felt the soft strands again.

Gently, she separated the hairs, but the skin didn't appear to be broken. She checked again before finally, with a soft, sad sigh, removing her hands and returning them to her lap.

"Will I live?" asked Ethan. His voice was slightly hoarse. He cleared his throat and repeated the question, still with his back to her.

"You'll live," said Lily. "If you could turn around and look at me now?"

She felt an inward jolt when she saw the hives on his face, but she kept her face impassive, determined not to show any signs of shock or pity. As she looked into his eyes, which she told herself she was doing purely for medical reasons, she had trouble even remembering what she was supposed to be looking at. His eyes were more dilated than she would have expected, given the amount of light in the room, but the pupils were of equal sizes and the irises were that gorgeous, deep, rich, dark brown... just the colour of... of...

"Yes: I think you will be fine," said Lily. "Is your head still hurting? Are you nauseous?"

For a moment, Ethan just looked at her, without giving any signs that he even knew she'd spoken. Lily felt herself trembling in response to the look in his eyes and wished things were different. If only their kiss had happened before her father's death. If only Lily could believe his feelings were as real as hers.

Then Ethan tore his eyes away from hers. His body was tight with tension as he shuffled back a few centimetres. "I'm fine, Lily. It doesn't hurt. I'm not nauseous."

Lily couldn't respond for a moment or two. He'd moved away from her. Perhaps that was her fault as she'd rejected him, but it hurt. Lily took a couple of breaths before speaking. "Then I would say you are fit for work, but please be careful. If you do see any signs that all is not well, I suggest you book yourself in as a patient immediately."

"I will," said Ethan. He fiddled awkwardly with the collar of his scrubs and got to his feet. "Thank you. For your help." He walked quickly out of the room. Whatever he'd been looking for beneath the table seemed long forgotten.

Lily felt weak, as though she wouldn't be able to stand, but she told herself this was ridiculous. She did feel quite shaky when she stood up, but it was an emotional reaction and she knew it would pass. She walked towards the table and immediately saw Ethan's stethoscope lying on top of it. Quickly, Lily picked it up and went out of the staff room. She didn't want him to reach for it when treating a patient, only to discover it wasn't there. Lily remembered being far from impressed when Cal had found himself in that situation in Resus and she'd also had some cutting words for Alicia when she'd once stood up, leaving her stethoscope on the table, but Lily now admitted to herself that she had spoken too quickly. There was no reason why Alicia shouldn't stand up before picking up her stethoscope.

The thought of Alicia reminded Lily of what she needed to say when she saw her, but she pushed thoughts of the junior doctor out of her mind and continued her search for Ethan, finally discovering him at reception, talking to Noel. Noel was telling Ethan how well Honey was doing and how much he was sure Honey missed him. Ethan looked like he was desperate to get away.

Just for a moment, Lily fantasised about going up to Ethan and kissing him. She was sure that would shut Noel up and stop him from embarrassing Ethan. Noel could hardly keep his hopes for Honey and Ethan alive if Ethan was obviously in a relationship with Lily.

But Lily wouldn't have been comfortable with kissing Ethan in reception even if they were a couple. Kissing Ethan, she admitted as her cheeks flooded with warmth, was lovely, but there was a time and a place.

"Dr Hardy," said Lily as she walked up to him. "A word, please."

"Of course, Dr Chao," said Ethan, and smiled at Noel. "I'm sorry. I must go. I'm glad to hear Honey's doing so well."

"I hope your face clears up soon," Noel called after them.

It was clear from Ethan's expression that he wished Noel hadn't mentioned it.

Lily made sure they were out of earshot of reception before showing Ethan the stethoscope. "I thought you might need this."

"Oh my goodness!" Ethan looked embarrassed. "I hadn't even noticed… how stupid of me. Thank you for bringing it to me."

"You're not stupid," said Lily. "You have had a shock. Perhaps you should have a cup of tea before you begin work."

Ethan's face softened. "Thank you, Lily, but I'll be fine. I'll see you… um, when I see you."

"Please be careful, Ethan," said Lily. Their eyes locked. "I mean... um... of your head."

"I'll be careful," promised Ethan. He gave her a reassuring smile and headed off to cubicles.


	19. Chapter 19

**CBloom2** , I kind of want Ethan to grab Lily and kiss her too! If this story wasn't set when she was grieving for her father, I think he might have done it, but I can't quite see him pushing her for any kind of relationship now - or trusting anything Lily seems to be feeling for him. It's a dilemma for me as well as for Ethan! But I am trying to sort it out for Chapter 21. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I love it when Ethan is adorably helpless too! Though you probably know that. I just got this image in my head of Ethan under a table and I had to write about it. Though I also wrote about it in And They All Lived Happily Ever After so maybe I'm obsessed? I'm glad you like the way Lily is thawing out. It's quite difficult - I don't want it to happen too slowly, but I don't want to be too quick either. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I'm sure they'll get together eventually. I really want them to, but it just seems a bit insensitive for Ethan to make any kind of move on Lily when she's grieving. I know a lot of people are getting impatient, though, so this is going to be addressed in in Chapter 21.

* * *

Lily's general opinion of Cal was not particularly high. Quite apart from the way he'd treated her, which she preferred not to think about, she didn't like the way he treated Ethan. Ethan insisted Cal had been very upset when Ethan was severely injured in the minibus crash and that he could be very caring and supportive, but Lily was yet to see signs of it.

She certainly didn't see signs of it when she walked into the staff room for her break to discover Cal teasing Ethan about his allergy to jam doughnuts.

"Well, you're really in a _jam_ , aren't you?" said Cal. "Looks like it's time to _face_ the truth, Ethan. You're in a _spot_ of bother."

"Oh, shut up, Caleb," muttered Ethan.

"What's wrong?" said Cal. "I thought you liked puns. Or do you only like them when you're the one making them?" He grinned. "Ethan, don't be such a doughnut."

Ethan slammed his locker door shut and stalked towards the staff room door, only to stop when he discovered Lily standing there. "Hey, Lily."

"Dr Hardy," said Lily, by way of greeting.

Ethan's face dropped slightly and Lily remembered what he'd said last night.

"Hey, Ethan," she said. "How are you?"

Ethan smiled. "Hey, Lily. I'm fine, thanks. You?"

"I am very well, thank you," said Lily. "I haven't seen Alicia yet. She is studying this morning, but I will see her after lunch."

"I'm sure you'll be fine," said Ethan with a supportive smile.

"Oh, he's all over you like a _rash_ , Lily!" said Cal, unable to stop smiling at what he perceived as his own cleverness.

Ethan glared at him. "Caleb, that's below the _welt_. You can be a _weal_ rotter: did you know that?"

"I'm just messing," said Cal. "There's no need to _react so badly_."

He walked towards the door, laughing. Lily ignored a childish urge to stick her foot out and trip him.

"Caleb, I was meaning to ask you," said Ethan. "The money I lost under the table earlier. You didn't happen to pick it up?"

Cal looked hurt. "What: you think I took it Ethan? You really think I'd take your money?"

Ethan gave him a pointed look. "Are you sure you want me to answer that?"

Cal lowered his gaze. "I didn't take it, Ethan. I promise. I wouldn't take a penny from you now. But I don't think it went under the table. I think it rolled off towards the sofa."

Ethan looked hard at him for a moment or two, but then he nodded. "Okay. Thank you, Cal."

Cal left the room. Ethan stayed where he was for a moment, then he turned away.

Lily had the feeling she'd been witness to an incomprehensible but private conversation. Even now Cal was gone, she felt a bit wary of interrupting Ethan's thoughts. "Ethan, um…"

"Yes?" said Ethan.

"If you wanted me to have a look at your urticaria for you," said Lily quietly, "I can book you in as a patient."

Ethan sighed. "I was hoping it wasn't that noticeable."

"It's not," said Lily. "I just thought it might be uncomfortable."

"It does itch a bit," admitted Ethan. "But I'll be fine. I've had it before, so I know it's nothing serious. All I can do is keep taking my medication – there's nothing a doctor could do for me. Cal checked me over last night anyway."

"You know where to find me if you change your mind," said Lily.

"Thanks," said Ethan.

He smiled and started to walk away, but Lily stopped him. "Ethan. I am sorry about the jam."

"Please don't apologise," said Ethan, his brown eyes warm and his voice gentle. "You couldn't possibly have known. I should have been honest with you."

"You were trying not to hurt my feelings," said Lily softly. "It was unnecessary, but.. I do appreciate it. And… and now I am beginning to understand why others would appreciate it too."

Ethan's face lit up slightly and he smiled even more. "And I appreciate your kindness."

Lily smiled back. As she gazed at him, she wondered if the hospital had really gone quiet or if it was just the effect of Ethan.

Ethan broke the silence, clearing his throat. "I'd... better get back to work."

"Oh, um… so should I," said Lily.

"Good luck with Alicia. I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Thank you."

* * *

When Lily came back from her lunchbreak, Alicia was in the staff room, putting her pink stethoscope around her neck. Lily couldn't help but grimace at the sight of it _. It looks more like a child's toy than a genuine stethoscope. I'm surprised Mrs Beauchamp allows it_ , she thought.

But then a memory came into her mind. A memory so long buried, she wasn't even sure it was a memory at first.

 _"_ _Please let me have a pink stethoscope. It's so pretty and I'm sure it works just as well as the black ones."_

 _Her father looked at her, his expression cold. "Lily, medicine is not a game. It is a serious profession. I'm shocked to hear such frivolity from you. It's not how we've brought you up. Being a doctor isn't just about being a professional – it's about_ appearing _professional too. Have you not considered how it will look to other people if our daughter is wearing a pink stethoscope? I want to feel pride in my daughter, Lily, and you will wear a black stethoscope, please. Always."_

"Lily?" Alicia was looking at her, a worried expression on her face. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am okay!" snapped Lily, and was instantly filled by guilt. She cared little for Alicia, but she had about as much desire to let Ethan down as she had to let her father down. She took a moment to consider what Ethan might say. "I am sorry for snapping. That was uncalled for."

"Oh, no, don't worry!" said Alicia. "It is a bit annoying when people ask you that when there's nothing wrong."

Lily searched for what to say next. It seemed a bit silly to say hello when they were already talking, but perhaps she could move on to the next stage. "How are you, Alicia?"

Alicia smiled. "Good, thanks! I had a great study session today. How are you?"

Lily tried not to wonder if 'great' was an unacceptable term to describe something as important as a study session. Did it imply a flippant attitude towards her studies or was it simply another word? "I am very well, thank you. I would like to speak to you."

A faint look of worry came into Alicia's eyes and she smiled. "Of course you can, Dr Chao."

"You may always call me Lily when there are no parents present," said Lily, and tried to give a bright smile.

It seemed to work. Alicia gave her a bright smile back. Lily felt a thrill of pleasure that surprised her. She wanted to run and find Ethan and tell him how well the conversation was going – but of course she couldn't do that. "Alicia, thank you for the flowers and the soup. It was very thoughtful of you and very comforting."

Alicia's smile was as wide as before, but this time, Lily had the impression of gentleness. "You're welcome, Lily. I'm glad I was able to help. I really am so sorry."

"Please don't apologise," said Lily, with a sudden memory of something she'd heard Ethan say to a weeping patient.

Alicia's eyes widened slightly and Lily had a horrible feeling she'd said the wrong thing, but Alicia didn't look angry or upset. "I know this is presumptuous of me when I hardly know you, but if you ever want to talk, you can always talk to me."

"Thank you," said Lily. "Shall we get on?"

"Sure," said Alicia. She was smiling as they left the staff room.

"I am glad we had this little chat," said Lily. She was fairly sure she'd heard Mrs Beauchamp saying that.

"Yeah," said Alicia after a moment or two. "Yeah, me too."

* * *

When Lily passed Ethan at the nurse's station later, she couldn't resist going over to see him. The feeling surprised her: after all, they were at work and this was not the time for frivolous conversation.

But she couldn't help it. She wanted to tell Ethan.

"Ethan, I apologised to Alicia!" she said.

Ethan gave a smile of what looked like genuine happiness. "And I can tell from the look on your face that it went well. I'm so pleased, Lily."

"And we had a bit of a chat too," said Lily. "She said she was sorry about my father and I said 'please don't apologise' like you say to the patients. Then afterwards I said 'I'm glad we had this little chat' like Mrs Beauchamp does."

The smile froze slightly on Ethan's face. "That's great, Lily. That's really great."

Lily's excitement took a bit of a dip. "Did I say something wrong?"

"Not wrong," said Ethan. "Not wrong at all. How did Alicia react?"

"Very positively, as far as I can tell," said Lily.

"Then I'm sure everything's fine," said Ethan.

Lily looked at him for a moment. "But my admittedly-limited social skills are telling me that my responses were not correct."

"They were correct for Alicia because they worked," said Ethan. "But when someone says they are sorry for your loss or for anything bad that's happened, it's not strictly an apology. I would just say 'thank you'."

"All right," said Lily.

"And 'I'm glad we had this little chat', whilst lovely if you take it literally, can be seen as having sarcastic overtones," said Ethan. "It usually does if Mrs Beauchamp says it."

"So, what should I say?" said Lily. She made a quick examination of the sentence. "Is it the word 'little' that makes it inappropriate?"

Ethan thought for a moment. "That certainly contributes, but it is kind of the whole sentence. I probably wouldn't say anything unless it really meant a lot to me. I'd just try to show I was glad by smiling and by the way I spoke to her. But if I did say something, it would probably be something like: 'I'm really glad we had this talk'."

Lily nodded approvingly. "I see. Shorter is better and there is no use of the patronising 'little' nor the colloquial 'chat'."

Ethan smiled warmly and Lily's heart metaphorically skipped a beat. "You see? I told you you could do it."


	20. Chapter 20

**Tanith Panic** , it is nice when doctors show signs of personality with things like not having a black stethoscope - it makes them seen more human and I definitely prefer to speak to humans when I have an embarrassing medical condition to talk about! My GP has a dark blue stethoscope. I never thought of Lily as Eliza Dolittle, but I see what you mean! Conversational skills are more difficult to teach then pronunciation, but Lily is intelligent and determined, as you say. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan was in the staff room when Lily arrived. She might have thought he was waiting for her if she hadn't seen the shocked look on his face. "Lily." He hurried to her side, the shock on his face giving way to anxiety. "Are you sure you should be here?"

"We're short-staffed," said Lily.

"Yes, I know, but I'm sure we can manage," said Ethan. "It's such an emotional day for you. There's no way I could have worked after going to my mother's funeral. Neither could Cal. Please, Lily: go home. We can manage, but you should be with your family."

Lily shook her head. Emotion clogged her throat and she tried to swallow. She didn't think she could explain to Ethan that getting away from her family was part of the reason why she was here. Ethan might have an uncertain relationship with Cal at times, but he was loyal to him all the same. Lily didn't think he would understand.

The last thing she needed was for Ethan to hate her.

Ethan reached out and touched her arm. "I'll call you a taxi."

"No!" snapped Lily. He pulled his hand away quickly and she knew she'd hurt his feelings. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I have to be here. I need to be here."

"Well… you would know better than me what you need," said Ethan. His eyes were full of concern. "But you're not due to start quite yet. Why don't you sit down and I'll make you a coffee?"

Lily shook her head, unable to trust her voice, but she didn't resist when Ethan put his arm around her and walked her over to the sofa.

He stood for a moment, looking down at her. "Lily… you do know how deeply sorry I am, don't you? For your loss?"

Lily raised her eyes to his. "I know," she said simply. "And I am grateful for that. I just…" She couldn't fight the tears anymore. "Ethan, I let him down."

"Of course you didn't!" Ethan sat beside her and put his arms around her. "You didn't, Lily. You're a wonderful doctor and you've done so much to make him proud."

"He wanted to see me become a consultant," Lily sobbed against his shoulder. "And I couldn't do it!"

Ethan held her more tightly. "Lily, your dad wasn't well. It really is very sad that you've lost him so soon, but it's not your fault he didn't have enough time to see you become a consultant."

"But could I have been quicker?" said Lily. She'd asked her mother too, but she hadn't been able to provide an answer. She wasn't a doctor.

"I really don't see how you could have been," said Ethan honestly. "There's no way I'd have been ready to become a consultant at your age. I'm not even ready now, considering I failed the exam! You are so intelligent, Lily, and you're already a great doctor. I know you will become even greater. You will achieve things I can only dream of and it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if you became a consultant before I did. But at your age, with your amount of experience – I don't think you could have done it any quicker."

Lily went still in his arms. "But you think other people could have done."

"No, I didn't say that at all!" said Ethan. "I don't think anyone could have become a consultant at your age. It's not just about the studying. It's about experience too. You can learn the facts, but you can't learn to apply them until you've dealt with the situation – and we have no control over the conditions that need treatment in this hospital and even when a certain condition does occur, it's more important to treat them than it is to find the doctor who would benefit the most from giving the treatment."

"But if I had been lucky?" said Lily.

Ethan's voice was gentle. "Even if you were lucky and you did get the chance to treat every condition, I still don't think you or anyone else would have been a consultant by now. For one thing, there are only two opportunities per year to take the exam – though I imagine you'd pass it first time, unlike some people in this room! For another, you'd need to wait for a consultant position to become available or funding being made available to allow for another consultant job to be created." Ethan held Lily away from him and looked into her eyes. "There wasn't time for you to become a consultant, Lily. There wouldn't have been time for anyone. I'm so, so sorry."

He held Lily close to him again and Lily sobbed loudly into his chest. Ethan stroked her hair and murmured words she couldn't quite understand, but she knew he cared about her and wanted to comfort her. It was a relief to be able to release some of the emotion that had seemed to be trapped inside her, but at the same time, it was little consolation. Even if she hadn't failed her father, she'd still lost him.

At last, she felt herself calming down, but she stayed in Ethan's arms, not wanting to move from the secure shelter they provided. She felt safe with him. He liked her and genuinely didn't consider her to be a failure and a bad doctor. He even liked her more than Alicia… assuming he still did.

"Ethan!" said an urgent-sounding voice.

"Not now, Cal," said Ethan. "Lily and I are busy."

Lily listened for the sound of Cal walking away, but he didn't. She moved slowly away from Ethan, her head lowered so Cal couldn't see her face. Ethan's gaze was still on Lily. He looked concerned; upset, even.

"I would wait till later, Ethan, but this is really important," said Cal.

Ethan sighed and turned to face Cal. "If you must stay, please could you make yourself useful for once and give me a tissue?"

"They're _Matilda's_ tissues," said Cal, shocked.

"I'm sure she can spare one for L… for me," said Ethan. "Is that all right, Matilda?" He paused. "Thank you, sweetheart. No, I know you can't reach them yourself, but I I'm sure Daddy can." He held out his hand. "And if you've got bad news for me, Cal, I strongly recommend staying in my good books now."

Cal sighed. "Okay. Here you go."

"Thanks." Ethan turned away from Cal and handed the tissue to Lily with a kind smile.

"Thank you," whispered Lily.

Ethan smiled again and patted her shoulder before turning to face Cal, angling his body so Cal couldn't see Lily. Lily removed her glasses and started to dry her tears, surprised by how much better she felt. Some would have said that crying had made her feel better, but Lily believed it was Ethan.

"What is it?" Ethan sounded impatient. "I thought you were going to put Matilda into the crèche."

"There is a slight… problem with that," said Cal.

Lily could feel Ethan's tension increasing as he asked: "And what might that be, Caleb?"

"I lied, Ethan. You must be used to that by now."

There was a pause, then Ethan said: "I'm not going to let you do this, Cal."

His voice was almost calm, but Lily could feel the suppressed emotion behind his words.

"Do what?" said Cal with more than a hint of defiance.

Ethan's voice was filled with concern. "You don't even know if she's yours."

"Taylor said-"

"Yeah," said Ethan. "Taylor said a lot of things and one thing you both have in common is a tentative relationship with the truth."

Cal had no answer for that.

"Look… just… take her home," said Ethan. "Please. I'll tell Mrs Beauchamp that you've… got this bug."

Lily had spoken before she'd realised she was going to do it. "I could look after her if you wanted me to."

Ethan looked at her in surprise. "Lily, are you sure?"

Lily felt herself go hot with embarrassment. She knew the conversation was private. She should not even have been eavesdropping. "I… I'm sorry if my offer was not appropriate. And I should not have listened. But you said I should go home and if I go home, you need Cal to stay here and…" She stopped.

"It was very appropriate and very kind," said Ethan. "I know Matilda would be happy with you – probably happier than she'd have been in the crèche – but I don't want to put too much pressure on you. You've had a difficult day already."

Lily hesitated, wondering if she should reiterate her desire to help or if this was Ethan's polite way of refusing her offer.

"Okay. I've got an idea," said Cal. "How about I take Lily and Matilda back to her place, then I get Matilda settled and make sure Lily has everything she needs, then I come back here?"

Ethan glared at him. "At least let Lily make a decision first?"

"I have made my decision," said Lily. She looked at Ethan. "You were right. I am not emotionally-equipped to do my job today. I would not have sufficient control. I don't think I could sit around doing nothing – I don't think that would help me – but if I could look after Matilda, then at least I am doing something helpful. You can trust me and Matilda likes me. You know if Matilda is unwell, I will spot it as quickly as anyone. Please let me help."

Cal looked almost impressed. "Well, it sounds like she wants to do it, Nibbles, and you've got to admit, it is up to me. After all, I'm her dad."

Ethan hesitated. He looked at Lily. "Okay, Lily. But I think you should look after Matilda at our flat. We have spares of everything there and if we come to check on you, you won't need to worry about opening the door for us - which isn't as easy as it sounds when you've got your arms full of Matilda!"

 _And my mother will not find me there_ , Lily hated herself for thinking.

"I thought you wanted me to leave her in the crèche with loads of strangers!" said Cal.

"At the time, I thought it was the only option," said Ethan. "The circumstances have changed now." He turned to Lily, his brown eyes holding hers as his voice softened. "Thank you, Lily. We really do appreciate this. But if this is too much for you – and I'm sure it would have been too much for me to care for someone else's baby on the day of my mother's funeral – please phone me or Cal straight away and one of us will be there as soon as possible."

Lily nodded. It seemed a reasonable stipulation to make.

Cal came over to her and sat on her other side. "Thanks, Lily. I really appreciate it. And I am sorry about your dad."

"Please don't ap… I mean, thank you," said Lily. Her eyes met Cal's.

He smiled slightly. "I'll be home at lunchtime to check on Matilda."

Ethan's smile almost caused butterflies inside Lily. "And I'll be home at lunchtime to check on _you_."


	21. Chapter 21

**Tanith Panic** , I hope Lily's attempts to talk to Matilda aren't too much like baby talk! I that it wouldn't be something that came naturally to Lily. Some would say Lily ought to support her mum, but Lily has her own problems and grief and I'm sure there are other relatives. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , George is gorgeous, though Ethan might be even more gorgeous because I absolutely love him in glasses. I'd love him to smile at me! I would be in danger of dying with happiness, but Ethan will know how to deal with that. I'm glad you like the way he's supporting Lily. Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I was sad that Ethan wasn't there for Lily a bit more in the episodes, but there are so many characters and not room for everything! He was also distracted by Matilda. But we can always fill in any gaps with fanfiction.

 **Panicatcasualty123** , I'm so happy you like the way I've written Ethan. I love his caring side and it really is good to know you think I've got it right. I'm glad you like the idea of Lily looking after Matilda - she couldn't cope at work in the episode and Matilda would be an adorable distraction! Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your reviews. Lily really needs a friend and Ethan would never push for more at a time like this, no matter how much he wanted to. I imagine him as the type of person who would look at each person's individual needs rather than assuming they need what most people would be expected to need.

* * *

Lily smiled down at the tiny baby in her arms. Matilda's bright eyes were fixed on her and although she wouldn't be able to see Lily well, she seemed to know she was safe with her. Lily felt more relaxed than she'd felt for a long time - something she hadn't expected. When Cal had left her alone with Matilda, she'd felt terrified and she'd come so close to running after him and telling him she'd changed her mind, but pride had kept her from doing this.

As is so often the case, pride came before a fall – and Lily had fallen for Matilda.

"You're a good girl," said Lily. She felt rather awkward saying things like that to a baby, but it was only the truth. "It's hard to believe you're Daddy's little girl."

Matilda started to grizzle.

"Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that," said Lily quickly. "I think you're daddy's lovely." Almost in a whisper, she added: "And so's your Uncle Ethan. He's so lovely, Matilda. I don't know what to do. My father's just died – the funeral was today – and it seems so disrespectful to go out with Uncle Ethan. I hope that once a suitable mourning period has passed… but what if he doesn't wait for me, Matilda? What if he meets another girl? What if I leave it too late?"

Matilda gurgled softly.

"He doesn't have a lot of girlfriends," said Lily. "He went out with a shop girl called Honey for a while, but she didn't appreciate him properly. She didn't understand him and she broke his heart. I remember after she left Holby, he was so sad. Every morning when he came to work, his eyes were swollen. He was so quiet, even for Uncle Ethan, and I didn't see him smile for days. You might think this is wrong of me, Matilda, but I wanted to hold him. Not because he's gorgeous and I love him – yes, I've said it: I love him! Please don't tell Uncle Ethan or your daddy! - I wanted to hold him because I thought that might make him feel less sad. But I didn't, of course. I did nothing apart from cover for him on a couple of occasions when he was distracted. I wouldn't normally do that for another doctor, but this was Uncle Ethan."

Matilda started to cry.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" asked Lily softly. "Let me check your nappy: no, you're fine. Are you hungry?" Lily put Matilda back in her cot for a few minutes while she made up some formula, her heart aching as she listened to the sound of Matilda crying. When she returned, she sat Matilda on her lap again and held the bottle experimentally against Matilda's lips, but Matilda turned her head away. Lily put the bottle down."Shall I sing you some nursery rhymes, Matilda?"

Lily didn't think she knew many nursery rhymes, but Cal had given her a book of them and as she looked at the words, Lily realised she did knew a lot of the songs after all. She sang to Matilda, rocking the baby in her arms, and realised she was really enjoying herself. Matilda was so sweet and well-behaved.

She only stopped when she heard a cough behind her. "Oh! Ethan!" said Lily, very embarrassed. "I… I wasn't expecting you. Not yet, I mean."

"Hey, Lily," said Ethan, smiling at her. "It is actually lunchtime - time can go very quickly when you're having fun with my beautiful little niece! It looks like you're doing very should be along later. He's tied up in Resus. Um, not literally."

Lily looked down at Matilda and realised she was asleep. "I'll just put her down in her cot," she mumbled, still flustered by Ethan's sudden appearance. She hadn't heard him come in and there was no telling how long he'd been there. She knew, rationally, that Ethan was very unlikely to have have been there when she'd told Matilda she loved him, but Lily felt as though the words were hanging in the air, just waiting for Ethan to read them.

"I can do it if you like," offered Ethan, but Lily was already on her feet.

"There you are, sweetheart," she whispered as she lowered Matilda gently into the cot. "You have a nice nap and maybe Uncle Ethan will still be here when you wake up."

She realised she'd spoken aloud to the baby again and felt another rush of embarrassment, but she quickly reminded herself that a lot of people talked to babies. Including Ethan.

Ethan came to stand beside her. He smiled down at his sleeping niece. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

"Yes," whispered Lily, her heart jumping as she felt Ethan's arm touching hers.

"Do you want kids?" asked Ethan.

Lily told herself it was a casual question that had occurred naturally in the circumstances, but his words caused her heartbeat to speed up. "Yes. Yes, I would like kids."

"I'm glad," said Ethan simply.

Lily held her breath. Was he saying he was glad because he wanted to have children too? With her?

"You're a natural with Matilda," said Ethan. "I think you'll be a very good mum."

"I-I'll need to find a husband first," murmured Lily.

Ethan was quiet for a moment. "I don't think you'll have any trouble with that."

"I have so far," admitted Lily.

"You're still very young," said Ethan. "And you're focusing on your career. A lot of women don't marry until they're in their thirties. Some people wait even longer."

Lily kept her gaze on Matilda. "It is probably too soon in my career for children. But I did hope I'd be married by now."

"It's very difficult," said Ethan. "You need to meet the right person – but the situation and the timing has to be right too. If you met your perfect man and he was a patient, nothing could happen because it would be unethical. If you met him now and he wasn't a patient, you might hesitate because you're in mourning."

"I think I would have to hesitate," said Lily honestly. It surprised her how easy it was to be honest when she was looking at the baby instead of at Ethan.

"But if he really liked you," said Ethan, "he would wait. For as long as it took."

Lily tore her eyes from Matilda. Very slowly, she turned to face Ethan. "Do you think he would?" he asked softly.

"Oh, yes. I'm sure he would." Ethan sounded slightly breathless. "Very sure."

Lily remembered how it had felt when his lips had touched hers. She remembered being held in his arms. She remembered the way he'd looked at her after the kiss. "Ethan…"

"Yes?" Ethan's voice was scratchy.

"When we kissed, I…"

"You weren't yourself," said Ethan. "You were very unhappy and you weren't thinking straight. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you."

Lily reached out her hand to him in her eagerness to reassure him. Automatically, he captured it in his own. "You didn't, Ethan. You didn't."

Surprise came to Ethan's face. He stared at her. "You wanted to kiss me?"

"I would not have asked you if I did not," said Lily. As soon as she'd said the words, she was filled with fear. She took a step away from him, feeling a sense of loss as her hand slipped from his grasp. She looked down at Matilda. "But if you didn't like it…"

"I did like it," said Ethan.

Lily turned to face him again. "You did?"

Ethan placed his hand gently on her arm. "Lily, I liked it very much. I like _you_ very much. I always have."

Lily's eyes filled. "Oh, Ethan, I like you too!"

"Please don't cry." Ethan looked like he might cry too. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry."

"No. I'm sorry. I am all right," said Lily. She took off her glasses and brushed her tears away. She almost always wore her contact lenses now, but today, she'd wanted her glasses to hide her eyes. She hadn't wanted anyone to see her tears or her emotions, but Ethan was different.

He always had been.

"You can always tell me if you're not all right," said Ethan softly. "I'll always be here."

"Yes, I'm all right," said Lily, blinking away more tears. "You have made me so happy, Ethan. And I hope that… one day… perhaps soon…"

"I hope so too," said Ethan.

Their eyes locked. Ethan leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

Lily hesitated, then kissed his cheek too.

The air seemed to crackle with electricity. His lips seemed like a magnet, drawing her mouth towards it, but Lily resisted. Her work hadn't made her father proud, but at least he could be proud of her conduct.

"You'll have to let me know when you're ready," said Ethan. "I'm absolutely terrible at picking up the signals."

"I'll tell you," promised Lily.

Ethan smiled and bent to kiss her on the cheek again. His cheeks were red, but his eyes were sparkling with happiness. It seemed like an effort for him to change the subject and focus on something else. "So how has it been with Matilda? Any difficulties?"

"None that I'm aware of," said Lily. "She seems happy."

Ethan looked at Matilda and smiled. "She certainly does seem happy – but why wouldn't she be when she's spending time with you?"

Lily felt hot and uncomfortable – but also rather happy. She smiled at Ethan and saw his answering smile.

"Have you had to change her nappy at all?" asked Ethan.

Lily shocked herself by laughing. She shouldn't be laughing. Not today. It wasn't as though she laughed often on any day. But the switch from the depth of their feelings to dirty nappies...

To her relief, Ethan was smiling. "Okay. Yes. That was a bit of a conversational switch."

"It's okay," said Lily. "I did have to change her nappy, but I think it was okay."

Ethan half-reached a hand towards Matilda, but then he stopped himself.

"You can check she's dry if you like," said Lily. "She's your niece and I'm new to babies. It is possible I've made a mistake."

Ethan hesitated for a moment, then he reached over the bars of the cot and felt Matilda's nappy. "I think you've done an exemplary job."

Lily felt shy at his praise, yet completely comfortable at the same time. "Thank you, Ethan."

"You're welcome, Lily." Ethan's answering smile was shy too, but his eyes were shining. "Are you hungry?"

Lily tried not to think abo0ut other kinds of hunger. "I am hungry. Yes."

"Then I'll go and see what I can rustle up," said Ethan.


	22. Chapter 22

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm afraid I haven't written much about the dinner, but Lily will get to spend some more time with Matilda. I don't think she had any interaction with her at all on TV - that might have got Ethan's attention far more successfully than the methods she employed!

 **CBloom2** , I think Ethan is good for Lily too - it's a shame he was so distracted by Cal and Matilda on TV and couldn't do more to help Lily at what was a very difficult time. I think she has trouble relaxing and almost seems to feel it's wrong, but she is able to let her guard down with lovely Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever** , I think it would be very difficult for Lily to relax and be more spontaneous, but I think Ethan could help her. He is hardworking like Lily, but he also knows you don't need to plan everything. That said, he did have a whole timetable for looking after Matilda on his phone! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Lily and Ethan had finished their lunch and were talking about the latest medical advances when Cal burst through the door. He ignored them both, rushing straight to Matilda's cot and picking her up.

"Are you all right, little Toad? Did you have a good time with Auntie Lily?" Cal smiled adoringly as Matilda blinked sleepily up at him. "Yes, I think you did!" He kissed her on the forehead. "Who's the most beautiful girl in the world? Matilda! And who's the most handsome man in the world? Daddy!"

Lily caught Ethan's eye. He looked amused by his brother, but all Lily could think was that Cal was wrong.

The most handsome man in the world wasn't 'Daddy'. It was Uncle Ethan.

Cal kissed Matilda again and carried her over to the sofa. "Shove up," he said, trying to plant his backside between Ethan and Lily.

Lily saw annoyance flash across Ethan's face. When it vanished almost instantly, she trembled as she realised he was annoyed because he was no longer sitting next to _her_.

He wouldn't have hidden his annoyance if it had related entirely to Cal.

"So, how's she been?" asked Cal.

"She's been very good," said Lily. "I have changed two nappies. One when I was alone with Matilda and one under Ethan's supervision. I have also sung thirteen nursery rhymes, which I believe were well-received, and I've given Matilda two drinks of formula and burped her according to instructions."

Cal held Matilda close to his face and rubbed his nose against hers. "She looks very happy. Who's a beautiful little toad?"

Lily caught Ethan's eye again. They just about managed not to laugh.

* * *

Lily was getting ready for her first day back at work when Ethan phoned. "Hey, Lily. How are you?" He sounded slightly shy.

"I am well, thank you," said Lily. "How are you?"

"Also very well, thank you," said Ethan. "How are you feeling about going back to work?"

Lily hesitated. "I am a little bit nervous and I think I will miss Matilda."

Ethan's voice was warm. "I'm sure there's nothing to be nervous about, but it's natural when you've been away for a few days. I'm sure you'll be fine, but if you have any problems at all, you can always come and talk to me."

"Really?" said Lily softly.

"Of course," said Ethan. "I'll always be here for you, Lily. When you need a friend, and when you need…"

He left the rest unsaid, but Lily understood. "And I am here for you too, Ethan."

"Thank you," said Ethan. "I'll remember that. Um, I was wondering. Would you like a lift to work today? We're taking Matilda to the crèche."

Lily closed her eyes for a moment and imagined sitting next to Ethan in the car. "I-I don't want to put you to any trouble."

"It won't be any trouble at all," said Ethan.

"Thank you," said Lily. "I would like that."

* * *

Connie was in reception when they arrived. "Dr Hardy, a word, please?"

Ethan gulped slightly. "Of course, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Oh, Nibbles! What have you done?" said Cal. "What do you think Uncle Nibbles has done, Matilda?"

"I am sure everything is fine," whispered Lily.

Ethan gave her a small smile. "I hope so! I'll see you later."

Lily smiled and then turned to Cal, who was talking to Matilda about going home later and having a nice splashy bath. "Shall we go?"

Cal looked at her blankly.

"To the crèche," said Lily.

"Oh, right. Yeah. Let's go."

They walked to the crèche. Cal lifted Matilda out of her sling, holding her in his arms.

Lily touched Matilda's arm. "Be a good girl, Matilda, and work very hard for your daddy."

Cal looked at her a bit contemptuously. "She's hardly old enough for work, Lily. She's a baby."

Lily looked away, embarrassed. She stood awkwardly to one side while Cal talked to his daughter. Finally, with great reluctance, he handed her over to a crèche worker. "This is my daughter, Matilda Knight. I'm Dr Knight and I work in the ED. If anything happens with Matilda, no matter how small, I want you to call me. Have you got that? I don't want her to be anxious or worried or think we've abandoned her. Her mother abandoned her and I don't want to think even for a minute that I've abandoned her too because I would never do that. I love my daughter so much and I would do anything for her."

The crèche worker smiled at him understandingly. She probably saw anxious patients every day. "We'll look after Matilda for you, Dr Knight. Please don't worry."

Cal looked around nervously. "She will be safe here, won't she? The other children: they won't hurt her? And you will give her the formula I've brought with me: you won't give her anything else? And you have checked the cots have smooth sides and she's not going to get splinters? And they are all secure, aren't they? The first time I put Matilda's cot together, it collapsed. Luckily, Matilda wasn't in it and Ethan – that's my brother – managed to work out what I'd done wrong. Oh, and there aren't any ill children here, are they? I don't want Matilda catching anything. And-"

"Dr Knight." The crèche worker spoke firmly. "Please believe that we will do our very best for Matilda and you're welcome to check on her when you have your break and at lunchtime. We will do everything we can to protect Matilda from being hurt and catching illnesses and all our baby equipment is very thoroughly examined every day to ensure it's safe. If we have any concerns at all, we'll certainly give you a call." She took Matilda from Cal and carried her into the crèche.

Cal stood and watched anxiously. A tear ran down his cheek. He wiped it away and blinked hard.

Lily wanted to comfort him, but she wasn't sure how. She wished Ethan was there so he could show her what to do.

She stepped forward and placed her hand on Cal's arm. "I am sure she-"

Cal jerked his arm away from her. "Are you still here?"

"I… I thought-"

Cal turned and hurried away. Lily saw him brush a hand across his eyes and knew he was still upset about leaving his daughter, but she didn't attempt to follow him.

She'd tried to help him, but she'd got it wrong.

* * *

"Hey," said Ethan.

Lily turned and smiled at him. "Hi. I mean hey."

Ethan frowned slightly. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes. Everything is fine," said Lily firmly.

"You can tell me if it's not," said Ethan.

Lily hesitated. "I am worried about Cal, but I think he would prefer me not to tell you about it."

Ethan nodded understandingly. "Was he sad about leaving Matilda? I'm sure I'd have been the same if Mrs Beauchamp hadn't dragged me away! Thanks for letting me know. I'll go and check on him."

"Please don't tell him I told you," said Lily.

"Of course I won't," said Ethan. "Besides, you didn't tell me. I guessed." He smiled and put his hand on Lily's shoulder. "Don't worry. And remember I'm here if you need anything."

* * *

Lily approached Alicia nervously. "I apologise for my lateness. To be nine minutes late is not acceptable."

"It's okay," said Alicia. "I was eight minutes late. Mrs Beauchamp asked me to carry a plant for her."

Lily felt slightly better. "I was helping Cal with Matilda. He left her at the crèche for the first time today."

"Aw, that must have been emotional," said Alicia. She looked at Lily curiously. "Are you and Cal…"

"No, we are not," said Lily. She frowned. Did that sound rude? Dismissive? She tried to soften her voice. "Cal and I are friends, but I am better friends with Ethan and Matilda."

"I bet he was glad to have your support though," said Alicia. She touched Lily's arm. "It's so good to see you back, Lily. I hope.. I hope everything was as you hoped it would be."

"Thank you," said Lily. She often had trouble when people were oblique, but she understood that Alicia was referring to the funeral. Although Lily usually valued directness, she found she appreciated Alicia's delicacy. A few people had asked how the funeral had gone and Lily had felt uncomfortable saying it had gone well when the day had been so sad. "I believe it was the funeral my father would have wanted."

Alicia smiled gently. "I'm glad."

Lily wasn't sure what to say. She didn't want to be abrupt. "Thank you for your... thoughtfulness. Are you ready to start work?"

Alicia looked slightly nervous. "There was… there was actually something I wanted to speak to you about first. Something Mrs Beauchamp said."

"You require clarification?" said Lily.

"No. Not exactly," said Alicia. "It's just… Mrs Beauchamp said…" She broke off and looked down, fiddling with her pink stethoscope. "She said I should apply to take my MCEM."

Lily nodded. "You should certainly begin preparations for it. It will take you a few months to prepare, so it is as well to begin now."

"I… that wasn't quite what she said," said Alicia. She looked back down at her stethoscope, which was twisted around her fingers. She undid it and looked at Lily again. "She wants me to apply for the next sitting."

"The next sitting?!" gasped Lily. The next sitting would probably be in December and January. "You must be mistaken. It is impossible." She hadn't taken her MCEM until she'd been at the ED for nearly three years. Alicia had only been here five minutes. "No. You would not be ready. She cannot have meant that at al.l"

Alicia looked slightly upset. "I'm sure you're right, Dr Chao. I was very surprised. But I really am sure that was what she said."

"Wait here," said Lily shortly. "I will ask her myself."


	23. Chapter 23

**Tanith Panic** , yes, I do like to keep people guessing! It's fun for me and I hope it's fun for everyone else too. Ethan and Lily do have a great friendship (that could be something more) and it's sad in a way that they both had problems at the same time - they were too busy to support each other in the episodes. Thank you for your review.

 **Panicatcasualty123** , thank you for your review. I loved Cal's interactions with Matilda - I'm still sad he gave her away! I think Lily has a lot of insecurities and it was difficult for her to work with Alicia, who seemed to be everything she wasn't. At least Lily is having a slightly more positive experience in this story!

 **westlife4ever80** , it is horrible leaving little ones for the first time! The first time I left my two was to go for a beauty treatment when they were 3 months old. I was only away for an hour, but I hated it (though the beautician was a bit snooty, which probably contributed!). I'm dreading nursery! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **Panicatcasualty123** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Lily was so overwhelmed by what Alicia had just told her, she failed to see Ethan until she'd walked right into him – though anyone else would have moved out of the way. Only Ethan would stopped in the middle of the corridor like that.

"Hey… are you okay?" said Ethan, catching her arms.

Lily tried to regain control of her breathing. "Alicia says Mrs Beauchamp wants her to do her MCEM!"

"Really?" said Ethan. "That's incredible. She's only…" He stopped. "No. I'm sorry. It's not incredible. Um… do you feel it's too soon?"

"Of course it's too soon!" Tears filled Lily's eyes. "I have only just taken mine and Mrs Beauchamp wants her to take hers already?" She swiped a hand across her eyes. "You said I couldn't have taken my exams any sooner, but Alicia will be a consultant by the time she's my age; by the time she's younger than me!"

Ethan rubbed his thumbs gently over her arms. "Come on, Lily. Shh. It's okay. Can you take a deep breath for me? It's always difficult coming back to work after a break. Everything comes as a bit of a shock, especially when you're feeling a bit fragile. Shall we go and sit down for a bit?"

Lily sniffed and wiped away a couple of tears. "I need to get back to work."

"Of course you do, but not yet," said Ethan. He put his arm around her and led her to an office. He peered through the window and then pushed it open.

"We should not be in here," said Lily.

"We need to be somewhere," said Ethan. He pushed Lily down gently into a chair. "I'll just be a minute, sweetheart, okay? I need to get a chair."

Lily wiped her eyes and watched, almost feeling comforted when Ethan took forever to choose the best chair, rambling to himself about one chair looking as though it would break if he so much as touched it and another one looking very heavy – not that he couldn't manage it, but he wasn't going to risk his back when there were lighter chairs around – and another one was no good because the legs stuck out too much and he wouldn't be close enough to Lily.

Finally, he found a chair that met his exacting specifications and carried it over to Lily, putting it beside her chair. "I'm sorry about that. Okay, where were we?" He put his arm around Lily and her head fell quite naturally onto his shoulder. "Lily, I can see you're upset and that's fine. To be honest, I felt a little bit upset when Cal announced he was going to do his FCEM at the same time as me – I'd been working hard on it for months and then he came along, thinking he come along at the last minute and get the same result as me with the minimum of effort." He gave a sad smile. "Not that I really did all that much better than he did in the end."

"Ethan, you did much better than Cal!" said Lily. "You almost passed and the fact you didn't was bad luck – there is always an element of luck in exams. And I suspect also the examiner made mistakes. I got a B for my A Level maths and I was sure that was wrong so I queried it and it turned out I'd really got an A. It would not surprise me at all if a mistake was made with your FCEM. If you cannot pass first time, I am sure nobody could!"

Ethan blushed, but the pleased smile that lit up his face told Lily she hadn't said the wrong thing. He kissed her forehead. "Thank you, Lily. It really helps to have your support. I have been unhappy about it."

"Then you must talk to me whenever you feel unhappy and I will do whatever I can," said Lily firmly.

Ethan smiled again. "Thank you, and I will take you up on that, but for now, let's focus on you, okay?" He reached across and covered one of Lily's hands with his.

"I feel so… jealous," admitted Lily in a low voice and she stared at their joined hands and wondered if Ethan would snatch his away.

Ethan's voice was gentle. "It's a very natural emotion. I do understand your feelings, but I think it's possible – probable in fact – that Mrs Beauchamp didn't mean that Alicia should take her exams in the next couple of months. It must be well past the closing date for entries. I imagine she meant the sitting after that – the one in May and June, which means she'd be sitting her exam at the same point in her career as you did. I know Alicia hasn't been here for nearly as long as you, but she was at another hospital before she came here."

Lily looked at him, hating the feeling of hope inside her. "Really? You think Mrs Beauchamp meant the May-June sitting?"

Ethan nodded. "As the exams can take place as early as November, and we're in November now, it seems very likely that Mrs Beauchamp sees the May-June sitting as the 'next' one."

"Yes… yes, that does make sense." Lily released a long sigh.

Ethan held her hand more tightly. "And although she's taking her exams at the same point in her career as you, we don't know that she'll pass them. If she did, she would be very lucky to do as well as you – she could hardly do better!"

Lily half-laughed, half-sobbed. "Oh, Ethan. I feel stupid now, but I'm so glad I came to talk to you."

"I'm glad too," said Ethan. "I always like talking to you, Lily, and… I'm glad I was here when you needed someone. You know I'll always be here, don't you?"

"Yes, I know," said Lily, and dried her tears. "Now I must return to Alicia. I have been away for too long. Patients could have died in that time."

Ethan turned her face towards him. "I think it was very responsible and professional of you not to treat patients when you were so upset. As doctors, we always want to help as many people as possible, but we are just as human as our patients and have all the same fears and emotions. If we can't control them well enough to do our job, it's far better to take five minutes, get ourselves under control and then continue with our job than to spend all day trying to fight the emotions. It takes courage to admit you need a break - courage I'm not sure I have."

"Then if you are upset, you must come and find me and I will ensure you have a break," said Lily. She sighed. "But now I must get back to work. I hope I have not damaged my relationship with Alicia beyond repair."

"I'm sure you haven't!" said Ethan supportively. "You've done so well with Alicia and I'm very proud of you."

Lily smiled slightly at his words, but then anxiety filled her. "What should I say to her?"

"What would you like to say?" said Ethan.

Lily considered, encouraged by his warm smile, and gave her answer.

"I think that sounds perfect," said Ethan. He hugged her tightly. "I'm sure everything will be fine, but you can always come and find me if you need me."

* * *

"Mrs Beauchamp, Alicia says you want her to apply to do her MCEM at the next sitting," said Lily. "Do you mean the December-January sitting or the May-June one?"

Connie looked startled. "The May-June one, of course! Not even a doctor as gifted and promising as Alicia could prepare for the exam in a month."

"Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp. That is what I thought," said Lily. She paused. "You think she will be ready?"

"She's very good, you know," said Connie.

Lily nodded. "I believe she will be ready too."

* * *

Alicia was still waiting for Lily. "I'm so glad you're back! I know you were with Mrs Beauchamp, but they said there's an emergency and they need us in Resus!"

"I am sorry I was so long," said Lily, hoping her face betrayed no signs of tears.

"Oh, don't apologise," said Alicia. "The clinical lead in my last hospital could never be found when you wanted her, but she was standing right behind you when you least wanted her to be!"

Lily smiled. "I think perhaps that is a fair description of all clinical leads."

Alicia smiled too.

"I believe I misunderstood you about the exams," said Lily. "I thought you meant the December-January sitting and I was concerned there would not be sufficient time for you to reach your potential. However, Mrs Beauchamp has confirmed she means the May-June sitting and I agree you will be ready if you work hard."

Alicia's face lit up and she lifted her arms as though she was about to hug Lily, but she changed her mind at the last moment. "Thank you, Lily! That really means a lot."

"And as your mentor, I will give you all the support I can," said Lily. "I took my MCEM six months ago and I… I passed rather well so if there is anything you need help with, you can always ask me."

"Thanks, Lily!" said Alicia, smiling widely. "Oh, I can't believe I'm going to sit my MCEM in six months!"

Her voice rose to a squeal. It was unprofessional, of course, but rather endearing... and how many doctors did not have unprofessional moments?

"It is very exciting news," said Lily, "but now we must focus on our work."

"Yes. Of course," said Alicia, calming herself down with an effort. "I'm sorry, Dr Chao."

"Please do not apologise, Alicia," said Lily. "If you are enthusiastic, then you want to do the job. That is the kind of doctor I wish to work with."


	24. Chapter 24

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. If Ethan hadn't been so distracted with Cal and Matilda (and possibly still getting over Honey), I hope he would have been sweet and supportive to Lily. Lily is really jealous of Alicia, but I think she's gradually starting to overcome it.

 **westlife4ever80** , I think Lily might only just be beginning to realise that the small things matter. If she struggled to socialise at school, it might not have bothered her because she might have thought she'd be fine at work with other highly intelligent and focused doctors. But small things are valued everywhere. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I agree with you - everyone says jealousy is a bad emotion, but that isn't really helpful because you can't switch off jealousy and then you feel guilty as well as jealous. I do anyway. I think accepting it as natural can help you to deal with it. I'm really pleased you liked Ethan and Lily's talk.

 **Tanith Panic** , the ED doctors seem to be able to sit their exams whenever they like without proper preparation and with no regard for deadlines, but I thought there was no harm in reverting to the actual exam timetable if it made Lily feel better! You'll see Lily and Alicia working together in this chapter. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal interrupted Lily and Alicia when they were looking through Alicia's portfolio. "Lily, can I have a word?"

"A very quick word," said Lily. "I am helping Dr Munroe to maximise her potential. She has some very important exams coming up."

"Yeah? Doing your MCEM already?" said Cal.

Alicia nodded with a shy smile. "In the May-June sitting."

"Oh God," groaned Cal. "Everyone's going to be a consultant before me at this rate! That's great news, Alicia. Congrats. I might actually have a little something for your portfolio."

"Something little, Dr Knight?" said Alicia. "You surprise me." She looked quickly at Lily. "I'm sorry, Dr Chao."

"No, I believe there is always time to tease Dr Knight about something small," said Lily. "If we do it enough, perhaps we will one day be able to apply the same description to his ego. How can we help you, Dr Knight? For the record, we do not offer enlargements."

"I was actually thinking more of a reduction," said Cal.

Alicia giggled. "I think you could be right about his ego, Lily!"

"Dr Knight's ego is so big, I am constantly amazed there is sufficient room for it in this hospital," said Lily.

"A dislocated shoulder reduction," clarified Cal.

Alicia looked at Lily. "It sounds good to me. What do you think?"

Lily was pleased to be asked for guidance. "I think it is an excellent idea."

"Okay, I'll be ready in a minute," said Cal. "I just need to check on Matilda again."

"Cal, she'll be fine!" said Lily, but Cal had already gone.

* * *

Lily bent over the patient's shoulder. "For sedation, I suggest…" She stopped and looked at Alicia. "What would you suggest?"

"Propofol?" said Alicia.

"Very good," said Lily. She frowned: perhaps that was patronising. "I mean, I agree completely with your recommendation. Use propofol and slowly titrate to response. Which reduction technique?"

"The Chair technique is supposed to be the quickest and least painful for anterior dislocation," said Alicia, "but we'd obviously need to move the patient onto a chair, which is likely to cause further pain. So I think the Spaso method. I've always found that to be-"

"No, I don't think…" Lily stopped. _Be positive_. _Be more Ethan_. "That is… a good suggestion, but I believe the Matsen's traction technique would be most appropriate in this instance."

"But the Matsen's technique requires a lot of physical force as it allows patients to contract their muscles," said Alicia. "I'm not very strong."

"I believe you are strong enough for this," said Lily firmly. She looked up and noticed Jacob doing nothing. "Staff Nurse Masters. Your attention, please. Dr Munroe requires your assistance."

* * *

When Alicia was ready, Lily stood aside to allow Alicia to work. To Lily's slight annoyance, Cal also remained and a slight paranoia crept in that, while she was assessing Alicia, Cal was assessing her, but Lily reminded herself that this was Cal's patient and he had every right to be there.

"I will apply countertraction," said Lily. She took hold of the patient's other arm, stretching it outwards and holding the elbow. She watched carefully as Alicia positioned her hands. "Go ahead, Dr Munroe."

Alicia did her best, grunting with the effort, but the shoulder refused to pop back into the socket.

"Now, for the Matsen's traction technique, you need to apply the most force-"

"Please, can we try something else?" gasped Alicia.

Lily hesitated. "I do think this is the most appropriate technique."

"I know, but… it's hard!" said Alicia. "It takes a lot of brute strength."

"She's not wrong there," said Cal. He reached for the patient's arm and lowered it, laying it across the patient's chest.

Alicia faced Lily nervously. "I know you have your own way, but on my last rotation in orthopaedics, we used the Spaso technique. It's a much more gentle-"

"We use the Matsen's technique here," said Lily. She could feel her breath quickening and fought to control it. Was Alicia questioning her judgement? "I'm your mentor and I'm not sure I can allow you to use a different technique."

"But… I can't do the Matsen's technique," said Alicia. "Look, I could show you the Spaso technique. I've seen it done lots of times before-"

"You're here to be mentored by me," interrupted Lily. "Not the other way round."

As soon as she'd said the words, she regretted them. Ethan would have said it more kindly.

Cal spoke without looking at Lily. "I'd like to see her try it."

Lily looked at him doubtfully. Cal was a senior doctor and theoretically, she could follow his guidance, but Cal had always been inclined to take risks. Could she really trust his judgement?

"I mean, if it works and causes less pain, I don't see why not," said Cal.

Charlie's voice spoke from behind them. "Well, it can't hurt just to see it." He looked at Lily. "Can it?"

Lily gave a reluctant nod, but she was still worried.

Cal smiled at her.

"Great. Okay," said Alicia. "Right, so we start with the patient in a supine position. You grasp by the wrist and lift vertically, applying gentle traction, and the shoulder is externally rotated, and reduction usually occurs spontaneously."

Lily waited. Reduction didn't occur.

Alicia looked slightly embarrassed. "Um, sometimes pushing the humeral head back into position should-"

There was a loud click. Alicia smiled excitedly at Lily. "And, voila! Back in place."

"Well done, Dr Munroe," said Lily, relieved. "Your technique was successful and it caused minimum pain. Thank you for showing it to me."

"You're welcome, Dr Chao," said Alicia. "Thank you for letting me try it."

* * *

Lily was glad to find Ethan in the staff room at lunchtime. "I wonder if we might have a chat."

"Yes, of course!" said Ethan, a smile lighting up his handsome face. "I promised I'd stay here till Cal got back from the crèche – he's absolutely convinced Matilda's going to get some fatal disease or a cot will collapse on her head – but I'm sure we can find a quiet corner. How was your morning?"

"Challenging," replied Lily with a small smile.

Ethan looked concerned. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure I behaved quite as I should have done," admitted Lily, lowering her gaze.

Ethan put a sympathetic hand on her arm. "I wish I could have been given a penny every time I've thought that. I'd probably have enough to retire by now – not that I want to retire for a very long time."

Lily could imagine Ethan still working in his eighties. His hair might be grey by then, but his eyes, she was sure, would be as intelligent and kind as ever.

"Would you like to-" began Ethan, only to be interrupted by Cal, who burst into the staff room, Matilda in his arms.

"I don't _believe_ that crèche, Ethan! We've got to find somewhere else."

There was more than a hint of exasperation in Ethan's eyes as he turned to Cal, but that was soon replaced by an adoring smile. "Hello, my sweetheart! How are you? Is Daddy making a big fuss over nothing again? Silly Daddy." Ethan kissed his niece, then looked at his brother. "What happened?"

"There was this kid running around and he threw up right next to Matilda's cot!" said Cal. "One of the crèche workers was on the phone, asking someone to pick up their kid because he had a rash. Then I put my hand on Matilda's cot and I nearly got a splinter!"

Ethan spoke soothingly. "I'm sure it's not that bad. Matilda probably wasn't touched by the children who are ill and some say it's good for babies to be exposed to germs."

"I still say we look for somewhere else!" said Cal stubbornly.

"Cal, it will be the same wherever you take Matilda," said Ethan. "At least if she's here, she won't be far away. Why don't you spend your lunchbreak with her, then take her back? I'm sure the child with the rash will have gone home by then – and possibly the one with stomach issues too."

* * *

"So, that's what happened," said Lily in a small voice. "Did I do wrong?"

"No, of course not!" said Ethan. "You were absolutely right."

Lily felt like crying. "Really?"

"Really." Ethan picked up the tray of food he'd been balancing on his lap and put it on the floor. Then he did the same with Lily's tray. "I know it's difficult, but you did well." He pulled Lily into a hug.

Lily buried her face in his chest and breathed deeply. "I was so afraid something would go wrong. If the method was unsuccessful and it caused more damage, then I would have been culpable."

"I know. It can be frightening sometimes, working with a more junior staff member," said Ethan. "So much rests on your shoulders." He laughed a little. "Sorry. Pun not intended. At least not that time."

"And… and there is no way of, of _reducing_ the pressure," said Lily. She looked up at Ethan. "That pun was intended."

Ethan laughed. His chest vibrated and Lily felt the flutter of butterflies in her stomach.

"But the pressure is part of the _traction_ of the job," said Ethan.

Lily was confused. "Traction? Oh, like 'attraction'. I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm a little slow."

"The last thing you are is slow," said Ethan, and planted a kiss on her forehead. He blushed. "Oh, um, sorry."

"Please don't apologise," whispered Lily. "I did not mind."

Ethan smiled and kissed her forehead again. "You did exactly the right thing. You expressed your reasonable concern, but once you had the support of a more senior doctor and a very senior nurse who knows everything, you made the decision to allow Alicia to demonstrate her chosen technique."

"That… that was not the only reason," said Lily in a low voice. "I was also ashamed to admit my ignorance to a junior doctor."

"That's very natural," said Ethan. "When I first became a registrar, I found it difficult too. I kept encountering things I didn't know and I felt so worried and guilty. It still happens now, to an extent, but usually only because I don't want to show myself up in front of my older brother."

"I'm sure it's exactly the same for Cal," said Lily.

Ethan leaned his cheek against her hair. "I think you're probably right. Perhaps it's even worse for him as he's older. But there's no need to worry, Lily. You did the right thing."

"And I have learned something too," said Lily.

Ethan nodded. "I'm sure even Mrs Beauchamp is learning every day."


	25. Chapter 25

**westlife4ever80** , I'm glad I'm not the only person who finds Alicia annoying sometimes! I'm not really a fan, though I'm trying not to write her too negatively. I felt sorry for Lily even in the show - she was suffering so much and had almost no support, but at least she has Ethan in this story! Thank you for your review.

 **CasualtyLithian** , thank you for your review - it's really nice to hear you enjoy my stories! I like your idea and I think I will try writing it once one of my other stories has come to an end. As you're a guest, you probably can't pm me, but if you have any other ideas about it, please feel free to mention it in a review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm really happy you picked up on the 'be more Ethan' part! Originally, I wrote 'be more like Ethan', but I couldn't resist changing it to echo 'be more Cal' (if you can echo something that's technically in the future). Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I think it would be especially worrying for Cal as he didn't have any warning - most people get close to nine months to get used to the idea, read a few books and buy everything they need, but Cal didn't have any time at all. I'm happy you liked the way Lily spoke to Alicia.

* * *

Lily was often disappointed when her shift came to an end. She found working in the ED invigorating mentally and physically and she often felt as though she could have continued for much longer.

But today, she was tired and relieved the day was over. She'd actually almost enjoyed working with Alicia and it had been lovely spending lunch and her afternoon break with Ethan, but now, she felt exhausted and all she wanted was to go home and sleep.

"I have some homework for you," Lily told Alicia as the junior doctor got changed.

Something like alarm flickered on Alicia's face. Lily didn't blame her. The homework assignments she'd given Alicia in the past had been lengthy and fairly pointless. Then Alicia smiled and said: "Sure, Lily! No problem."

"I hope it won't take you too long," said Lily, "but I'd like you to write down the details of the Spaso technique for me. I already know you can explain it very well verbally, but writing down a procedure is a technique you might find helpful in your exams. It can be a bit more difficult without the stimulus of the injured person in front of you."

Alicia's face lit with pleasure. "Of course I will, Lily! I'm sorry if I annoyed you by not being able to do it the way you wanted."

"No – it was not your fault and it was very educational," said Lily. "I hope you don't mind that I was hesitant at first. I…" She stopped. She would tell Alicia the truth. She _would_. "I was nervous of allowing you to perform a procedure I was unfamiliar with. If it had gone wrong and caused the patient further harm, it would have been my responsibility."

"Oh, I get that totally!" said Alicia. "I hope I didn't put you under any pressure."

Lily shook her head. "Not at all. I could not have allowed it without the support of a senior doctor and nurse, but with Cal and Charlie's agreement, I was happy for you to proceed."

Alicia smiled. "I'll get it written out for you tonight, Lily. I… I hope it's okay to say this, but I wanted to say thanks for all your support today. You've always been a good mentor, but I think today was my best day so far. It takes me a while to feel comfortable in a new place sometimes."

"I... never would have guessed!" said Lily, startled. "You seemed instantly so comfortable and secure here."

"Fake it till you make it," said Alicia. "I'm actually not that confident at all. When I first met you and you were so poised and controlled and brilliant, I was afraid I would never be able to measure up to you and a part of me wanted to turn tail and run, but I also really wanted to stay. You're the kind of doctor I want to become, Lily, and the best way of becoming more like you is to learn from you."

Lily stared at her in amazement. "You want to be more like me?"

"Yeah, I would," said Alicia, looking shy. "Not a complete carbon copy. I still want to be myself. But I would like some of your poise and confidence and you're so good at what you do."

"I… I actually want to be more like you," confessed Lily.

It was Alicia's turn to be shocked. "Why would you want to be more like me? You're a much better doctor than I am!"

Lily shook her head. "I am more experienced, but I have always struggled to cultivate my bedside manner. For you, it seems effortless. You know what to say. You connect with the patients. I can't do that."

"I think we're just different types of doctors," said Alicia. "You're Mrs Beauchamp and I'm Dr Hanna. I do think Dr Hanna is brilliant, but Mrs Beauchamp is the best. I think your bedside manner is good – I bet some people prefer doctors who take a step back from the patients and are a bit more formal: I probably do go over the top sometimes – but if you wanted to become even more versatile and adapt your bedside manner to each patient, I'm sure you could."

"Really?" said Lily.

Alicia nodded. "Of course. You're really talented, Lily. I bet your dad was – I'm sorry if I'm overstepping the mark, but I bet your dad was really proud of you."

Lily felt the ache of sadness in her chest.

"I'm sorry," said Alicia. "Forget I said that. I always say too much. Are you going to the pub?"

"I… I don't think so," said Lily.

"Oh, come on!" said Alicia. "It'll be fun."

Lily felt a glow of pleasure. It was so long since anyone had asked her. She hoped in Ethan's case it was because he didn't think she'd want to go rather than because he didn't want her company, but she wished she could feel as confident about the others. She was about to reply when a voice called Alicia's name and Louise came rushing over. She took Alicia's arm and dragged her away from Lily. "Are you coming to the pub?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Alicia. "I was just asking Lily if she wanted to go."

Louise's lip curled. "She doesn't. Lily isn't into having fun."

"I think she is, you know," said Alicia in a low voice that nevertheless carried. "She's going through a difficult time and babysitting me can't be easy so maybe she hasn't felt like socialising much, but she's lovely!"

Lily didn't like Alicia's putting words into her mouth, but she was too shocked to hear Alicia say she was lovely to make any objection.

"No, she's always been like that," said Louise dismissively. "Are you coming then?"

"I… I'll catch you up," said Alicia.

"Okay, whatever," said Louise. "See you later." She walked off without so much of a glance in Lily's direction.

Lily watched her go. She didn't like Louise and had no desire for her company, but it had hurt to be brushed aside.

Alicia looked awkward. "Did you want to come to the pub then? We don't have to sit with… with the others. It can be just us."

Lily almost wanted to hug her. "I… I am really happy that you asked me, Alicia, but I am in mourning. I cannot go to the pub. I'm sorry."

Alicia nodded understandingly. "Yeah, of course. Sorry. I wasn't thinking. Another time maybe? When you're ready?"

"Yes," said Lily thoughtfully. "Perhaps another time."

* * *

Ethan came into the staff room after Alicia had gone. "How was your day?"

Lily felt herself shivering at the tone of his voice. It seemed so intimate somehow and she knew he wasn't asking to be polite. He really wanted to know.

Ethan cared about her. He really did.

"You're cold!" Ethan rubbed his hands up and down her arms, his face concerned.

"No. I am not cold," said Lily, trying her best not to quiver anymore, but the touch of Ethan's hands on her bare skin made this difficult. His eyes were such a beautiful colour and she wanted to loop her arms around his neck and kiss him.

Ethan still looked worried, but to Lily's relief and disappointment, he let go of her. "Would you like a lift home? Cal's gone to the crèche, but he should be back soon."

"I would like a lift, if it's not too much trouble," said Lily. "Thank you."

Ethan smiled. "It's not a problem." His gaze shifted from Lily's face to something over her shoulder. "And there they are!"

Cal came into the staff room with Matilda. He looked agitated and his voice was shaking. "She's got a temperature, Ethan! I knew she'd catch something if she stayed there!"

Ethan put his hand on Matilda's forehead. "She's fine, Cal."

"Fine?!" said Cal incredulously.

"She's fine," repeated Ethan calmly.

Lily found her thermometer and brought it over to Cal. "I can take her temperature if you like." She stuck the thermometer into Matilda's armpit and waited for it to beep. "97.4. For a baby, normal."

"It can't be!" Cal took the thermometer from Lily and got exactly the same result. He tried for a third time, but Matilda started to cry and he stopped at once, wrapping her up in her blanket and holding her close to him. "Sorry, Toad. Daddy was fussing about nothing again. You're fine and I love you."

Lily glanced at Ethan and they shared a smile. Cal's fussiness could have been irritating, but it only made Lily warm to her future boyfriend's brother even more.

* * *

Ethan walked Lily to the door of her flat. "You did really well today. I'm so proud of you."

Lily looked at him in amazement. She saw the tender look in his eyes just before he caught her in his arms, kissing her on the cheek before holding her close to him. "Ethan…"

"I'm here," said Ethan rather indistinctly into her hair. "I'll always be here."

"Why are you proud of me?" whispered Lily as she clung to him, in fear as much as desire. Did he really mean that?

Ethan drew away from her very slowly, as though letting go was the last thing he wanted. "I hope it's okay, but Cal told me about how you helped Alicia with the shoulder reduction. He was very impressed. He says you're a brilliant mentor."

"Really?" said Lily softly.

"Really," said Ethan, smiling.

Lily felt her lips tremble into a smile.

"I'm impressed too, you know," said Ethan. "I always knew you were capable of it, but you have so much to think about at the moment. But Cal said you were great… and Cal usually only compliments girls on the way they look."

Lily smiled at him. "Perhaps Cal does not like the way I look."

"I think everyone must like the way you look," said Ethan. "You're so beautiful, Lily."

Lily shivered.

"And you're cold again," said Ethan anxiously. "You'd better go inside. But I'll see you tomorrow, okay? We'll pick you up at the same time."

"You don't have to," said Lily.

"I want to," said Ethan softly. "I like coming to work with you. And I might need you to help me convince Cal it's safe to leave Matilda at the crèche again."

"Of course I'll help you, Ethan."

He looked at her and their eyes locked. Lily felt her eyes flutter closed as Ethan's lips moved closer tohers. Her lips parted in anticipation, but instead, she felt him kiss her cheek. She opened her eyes and kissed Ethan's cheek.

Ethan's eyes were slightly wide and staring, the pupils dilated. "I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ethan," whispered Lily.


	26. Chapter 26

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Lily was quite mean to Alicia at the beginning of the story and Louise probably hasn't forgiven her yet. But maybe Alicia can have a word with her and explain that Lily is actually lovely! I often have cold hands and doctors always feel my hands to check and their hands are always so warm!

 **westlife4ever80** , Louise probably thinks she's being a loyal friend to Alicia by ignoring Lily, but she's definitely going too far. But she probably hasn't noticed all the effort Lily is making. It is completely natural to panic when your kids seem too warm! Or too cold for that matter. Or anything that seems even slightly not right!

* * *

Lily smiled as she opened the door. "Hey, Ethan. How are you?"

"Fine, thank you," said Ethan, smiling back. He hugged her. "A bit tired. Matilda didn't sleep much last night! But I'm fine." He kissed her cheek before asking: "How are you?"

"I am well, thank you," said Lily. "Is Matilda okay?"

"Oh, yes, I think so," said Ethan. "She just didn't want to sleep and consequently wanted lots of attention. Cal panicked when I told him. He was furious with me for not waking him up. Matilda obviously decided to do this on the one night I finally managed to persuade Cal to have a good night's sleep with earplugs!"

When they reached the car, Cal was sitting in the driver's seat with the baby in his arms, singing softly to her. Lily didn't recognise the song, but she couldn't help smiling when she saw the besotted expression on Cal's face.

"My niece doesn't have the best taste in music, I'm afraid," said Ethan, turning away to hide a yawn. "But she's very young. I'm sure she'll learn."

* * *

Lily stood in the staff room doorway, smiling at the sight of Ethan, his eyes tightly closed as he yawned widely.

She waited till he'd finished yawning, then she went over and touched his arm.

His eyes lit up "Hey."

"Hey," said Lily. "Are you all right?"

Ethan smiled. "I'm fine. Just a bit tired."

"Perhaps you should go home," said Lily, as Ethan yawned again.

"Oh, no!" said Ethan at once. "I'm fine. I'm just not used to having a baby in the house." He took his glasses off and wiped his watery eyes. "I just need a coffee or an energy drink or something."

"If you must have either, I recommend coffee," said Lily firmly. "Sit down. I'll make it."

"Thank you. That would be really nice." Ethan smiled and sat at the kitchen table.

Lily was more used to buying drinks from the coffee shop, but she enjoyed making drinks for Ethan. There was something about looking after Ethan, even doing something small like making a drink, that made her very happy. "Does Cal feel better after an uninterrupted night's sleep?"

Ethan nodded. "I think so. He wasn't that keen on the idea of the earplugs, but he was exhausted and I finally managed to convince him. He's so attuned to Matilda's cries." He smiled for a moment, but then concern filled his face. "He really loves her, Lily."

"That's good, isn't it?" said Lily, confused

Ethan sighed. "It's good if she's his daughter. But if she's not his daughter and he's got this attached…"

"Maybe he doesn't need to have the test done," said Lily.

"What?" said Ethan, turning away from her as he yawned again. "Excuse me, Lily. Why would Cal not need the test done?"

Lily hesitated, horribly afraid she was about to say something offensive. "He loves her and she loves him. Blood ties are not always necessary for a happy family. It is what is in your heart that counts. Matilda is in Cal's heart and he is in hers. Perhaps they don't need anything else."

"You're absolutely right about families," said Ethan, "but if she's not Cal's, then another potential father could come along and demand a paternity test. And if the other man is the father, Cal would lose Matilda. Taylor could probably come back for her as well. He loves Matilda more every day and I hate to think what it would do to him if he lost her." He rested his head in his hands, his eyes closed.

"You're right. The test is essential." Lily poured milk into the mugs and carried them over to the table. "You need to try to have a discussion with Cal and explain your concerns to him." She looked at Ethan for a moment: at his tired, puffy eyes and apparent inability to hold his head up. "Ethan, I'm really not sure you should be working."

"I'm fine." Ethan smiled and reached for one of the mugs. "Thanks for the coffee, Lily. I'm sure this will make me feel much better."

* * *

Lily was happy to see Ethan walking towards her – the sight of Ethan never failed to make her happy – but her smile faded when she saw the tears in his eyes. "Ethan, what's wrong? Did one of your patients upset you?"

"I'm fine," said Ethan. He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes. "My last patient was lovely I mean, not _lovely_. Not like you. But very pleasant. She was about to perform a piano solo in a concert and she started having chest pains and breathing difficulties so she was rushed to hospital, but it was just an anxiety attack. I taught her some breathing exercises and my PIMP-" He broke off and yawned again. "Excuse me."

"You seem to be doing a lot of yawning," said Lily. "Assuming you are not going into shock, I think that means you need a break. Please wait here until I return. I will be five minutes."

Ethan shook his head. "There's no need. Really. Not that I have the slightest objection to seeing you. I actually rather like seeing you. A lot. But I don't want to take you away from your work."

"It's fine," said Lily. "I am due for a break." She hesitated, then touched Ethan's shoulder. "Please have a break now. For me?"

"For you? Anything," said Ethan softly.

* * *

Lily was leaning on the reception desk, writing up notes. She was writing as quickly as she could so she could go back to Ethan, but all thoughts of her future boyfriend vanished from her mind when there was a thump, a collective gasp and a cry for help. Lily abandoned her files and rushed over to help.

A woman was lying still on the floor, another woman leaning over her. She looked up in relief when Lily arrived. "Are you a doctor? I don't know what happened! My friend's just been discharged: the doctor said it was an anxiety attack, but then she just keeled over!"

"Please stand aside and allow me to examine her," said Lily crisply. "I mean, please do not worry. I will do everything I can to help your friend."

* * *

Lily really didn't want to go in there.

She didn't want to be the one to tell Ethan about the mistake he'd made. He'd be upset. Devastated. Just the thought of it made Lily feel like crying.

But she didn't want him to hear the news from anyone else. In any case, the only other doctor who'd worked on the patient was Dylan (Lily was so glad Connie wasn't working tonight, though she would certainly get to hear of it) and he wouldn't deliver the news with sensitivity at all.

Of course, Lily wasn't known for delivering news sensitively either, but she would just have to do her best. For Ethan.

She took one last deep breath and walked into the staff room.

He was sitting at the table, his head buried in his hands and his glasses on the table beside him. For one horrible moment, Lily thought he'd been told the news already, but then she heard his deep, regular breathing.

 _I should have insisted he went home. This is my fault at least as much as it is his._

She stood there watching him. She didn't want to wake him up. He looked so sweet when he was sleeping. So innocent. She couldn't bear to wake him up and give him news like this

But what choice did she have?

The choice was taken from her when Ethan stirred. "Caleb, please put some clothes on…" he muttered before waking with a start. His eyes were wide and his hair at the front of his head was sticking straight up.

Lily wanted to smile – but then she remembered.

Ethan's bewildered expression changed to concern. He got to his feet and came over to her. "Lily? What's wrong? Has something happened?" He hugged her tightly. "It's okay. I'm here. Come and sit down, sweetheart."

They sat on the sofa together, Ethan holding her hand.

"Ethan, I am so sorry and I wish I knew how to tell you in a sensitive way, but you made a mistake," said Lily, trying to stop her voice from trembling.

"A mistake?" Ethan looked even more worried. "It's okay. If I've made a mistake, I need to know."

"It's the patient you discharged with a diagnosis of anxiety," said Lily. "She had a heart attack."

Ethan stared at her, then he shook his head. "That couldn't have been _my_ patient. She was only twenty-two."

"She has type 1 diabetes," said Lily. "Of course, she is still very young. But it can happen."

Ethan looked at her helplessly. "But... but I thought with her symptoms… and the incident history…" He clutched at Lily's hand. "Oh God, Lily, is she..."

"She was alive when I left," said Lily. "That's all I can tell you. I'm sorry."

Ethan shook his head and his eyes filled with tears as he looked appealingly at Lily. "Please tell me this isn't happening, Lily! Please tell me I'm still asleep."


	27. Chapter 27

**westlife4ever80** , anxiety is so difficult - I've been trying to tell the doctors for years that I have breathing difficulties - I breathe too quickly and I can't breathe deeply. But they insist it's a panic attack - even though I'm not panicking. They don't have much time so they have to guess sometimes. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. It's really good to know that you are still reading the story and that you're enjoying it. I find it takes me quite a while to write a review - even if I really loved the story, I have trouble thinking what to write. Misdiagnosis is tough for every doctor, but Ethan really does care so much - and we love him for it!

 **Tanith Panic** , I don't know if this story will reach the stage of Cal discovering Matilda isn't his child, but that's definitely another worry - for Ethan more than Cal as Cal refuses to acknowledge the possibility. Alicia is probably the closest we get to puppies and rainbows here - she's friendly and brightly-coloured! Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. It will take Ethan a while to get over this completely, though he does have Lily's support (and Cal's, I'm sure). I think Lily would find it easy to break the news to someone she didn't care about too much, but she definitely cares about Ethan.

 _Thank you to **nikkiireland6** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Lily sat with her arm around Ethan, rubbing his back gently as he wiped away a tear and desperately tried to stop more from falling.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he closed his eyes. "I just don't know how it could have happened! How could I have missed it?"

"Misdiagnosing another condition as anxiety is a common mistake in any emergency department," said Lily.

Ethan's exhale of breath might have been a sob. "Not for me."

"I am sure it has happened to every doctor in this department," said Lily.

A tear forced its way between Ethan's eyelashes. "It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let her go."

"I'm sure a lot of doctors would have let her go," said Lily. "I think perhaps I would have done."

Ethan wiped his eyes. "She might die because of me." His voice quivered and his eyes filled again, but he took a shuddering breath and blinked hard. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm okay. I'm fine now."

Lily didn't think she'd have believed him even if he hadn't dropped his head into his hands and begun to sob.

Lily felt tears stinging her own eyes. She was sure Ethan's emotion came partly from deep exhaustion - his mind and his body simply couldn't cope with anymore - but it still hurt her to see him so upset. She put her arm around him and felt him lean into her."It's okay, Ethan. It's okay." Lily usually avoided saying things like that because it was almost always untrue, but it seemed natural to say it to Ethan. She held him until his sobs quietened to sniffles and little gulps. "It will be okay, Ethan."

Ethan sniffed a few more times and got up. "I'm just going to get a tissue."

Lily wanted to get it for him - she wanted to give him everything he could ever need - but she didn't know where the tissues were kept. Ethan did though. His levels of organisation had always impressed her. So did the way his scrubs clung to his bottom when he stood on tiptoes to reach the box.

 _What is wrong with me?_ thought Lily angrily as she turned away from him. _Ethan is upset. Devastated. How can I be admiring his physical form now?_

After a few moments, Ethan returned to her side. "I'm so sorry, Lily. I suppose I'm just tired, but that's not really any excuse. I should have listened to you. I should have gone home. But I didn't and now I've done this..." Ethan's voice wobbled and tears filled his eyes again.

"Ethan, was not your fault. It was my fault," said Lily firmly. "I could see you weren't fit to work. I should have insisted you went home."

"It's not your fault," whispered Ethan. "Please don't blame yourself, Lily. I was the one who made the mistake. I should have seen what was wrong. And if I was too tired, I should have seen that too."

"I have made mistakes like that before," offered Lily. "And not always when I'm tired."

"Sometimes it isn't obvious what's wrong with the patient," said Ethan sympathetically. "Our jobs are so busy. There isn't always time to check everything. I'm sure it wasn't your fault."

Lily gazed at him for a moment then had to look away. She felt close to tears again. He was devastated, but he was still trying to comfort her. It was sweet – more than sweet – but was it really helping him? "It wasn't your fault either. Not at all."

"Of course it was!" Ethan's voice trembled. "It was a stupid, stupid, possible fatal mistake and I can't believe…" He stopped, his eyes filling again. "Oh, Lily, what am I going to do?"

Lily put her arms around him as she heard the helplessness in his voice. "I still think you should go home and sleep. Tomorrow, you will probably have to speak to Mrs Beauchamp. I have always found her strict, but she is usually fair." She paused. "And when you come out of her office, I will be there."

* * *

Lily usually tried her hardest not to let emotion show, but she couldn't hide her relief when she heard Ethan's patient was stable and doing as well as could be expected. She went to the staff room at once to let tell Ethan. Although he'd agreed with Lily that he shouldn't try to work, he'd refused to go anywhere until he had news of his patient.

"That's good," said Ethan listlessly. "Thanks for telling me."

Lily wondered why he wasn't more pleased, but then she realised the good news didn't change the fact he'd made a mistake. "Ethan, I need to go now. Unless you'd like to talk?"

"No, I'm fine," said Ethan, sounding anything but. "Thanks, Lily. I… I think I'll go home now. I hate to let my patients down, but I think I'm going to let them down more by treating them at the moment."

"I'm sure you wouldn't, Ethan," said Lily softly. "But you are right to consider your own health. I will go and speak to Dr Hanna for you."

She half-expected Ethan to argue, but instead, he gave her a heartstoppingly grateful smile. "Would you? Thank you, Lily. I'll get changed."

* * *

Lily went to find Zoe, who agreed at once to let Ethan go home. She was so sympathetic, Lily tentatively asked if she could wait with Ethan until the taxi arrived.

"As long as there's no emergency, then yes, of course," said Zoe with a smile. "It's good to see you two getting on so well."

Lily went back to the staff room, where Ethan was waiting, now dressed in a blazer and smart trousers. He looked handsome bit so tired. They went outside to wait for the taxi and sat almost in silence, but Lily's hand was in Ethan's and the silence was not uncomfortable.

When the taxi arrived, Lily broke the silence. "Please get lots of rest, Ethan, and try not to think too much about what has happened."

"I'll try," said Ethan, and hugged her. "Thank you so much for being here for me, Lily. I … I care about you so much,"

"I care about you too," said Lily. She kissed him on the cheek. _And I hope that soon I will be able to show you how much._

* * *

Lily was aware Alicia had been giving her concerned looks all day, but she'd said nothing and Lily had appreciated it.

So she was disappointed as well as annoyed when Alicia finally broke her silence. "I don't want to be nosy, Lily, and if you say you don't want to talk about it, I promise I won't ask again. But are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Lily shortly.

Alicia nodded and didn't say anything else.

Lily really appreciated it, but then, to her great surprise, the words came tumbling out. "Ethan has gone home. He is… unwell. I am concerned."

Alicia looked delighted. "So, you are a couple then! I thought so, but Louise said you weren't."

"We aren't a couple," said Lily. "At the moment, we are friends. But when my time of mourning has ended, Ethan and I will go on a date."

"That's so sweet!" said Alicia. "Ethan's so considerate. And it's really respectful of you to wait. Will you tell me how it goes?"

"I… I might do," said Lily thoughtfully.

She'd never had a friend to talk to about her dates before – though she hadn't been on many dates.

* * *

Lily looked out for Cal throughout the day, but it wasn't until she was ready to leave that she caught sight of him. He was standing by the reception desk, Matilda in his arms and an adoring look on his face.

It said a lot for his feelings for Matilda that there was a group of scantily-clad women standing only a few feet away, but Cal didn't seem to have noticed.

Lily walked up to them. "Hey, Cal. Hey, Matilda. How are you?"

Cal smiled. "Hey, Lily! We're fine, unless Matilda's caught something at that bl… um… I mean that blinking crèche. I'm trying not to swear in front of Matilda. I know she's too young to understand, but I'm trying to get into good habits now. For some reason, it's making my swear a lot more than I normally would. Luckily, I've learned lots of alternative words from Ethan."

Lily tried to think of something supportive to say. "I think it is always good to get into good habits with a baby. I am sure it will be worrying if Matilda has caught something, but most childhood illnesses are not serious and are easily treated. Matilda also has the advantage of having a father and an uncle who are medically-trained."

"Not forgetting Auntie Lily," said Cal. He glanced around – still apparently not noticing the barely-dressed women – and spoke in a low voice. "Listen. Lily. I'm really sorry for the way I've treated you. You know I love Matilda more than anything, but being a parent is stressful and exhausting and I'm really sorry I've taken it out on you, especially when you've been going through a tough time too."

"Please don't apologise," said Lily. "I am sure I have treated you badly too – and not just recently. Ethan is trying to improve my methods of interaction, but I am afraid I have a lot of work still to do."

"No. I've really noticed the difference," said Cal. "Though you were never bad at interaction. You were just... focused on professional relationships more than friendship." He checked his watch. "Have you seen Ethan?"

Lily looked at him in shock. "Didn't you know?"

"Know what?" said Cal, confused.

Lily explained what had happened.

"Oh f… I mean, um, oh fiddlesticks! I had no idea!" said Cal. "Are you okay to leave now? I need to get home as quickly as I can."

"You don't have to give me a lift," said Lily. "I can make my own way home." _Or I could come with you… I could look after Matilda while you talk to Ethan…_ But she didn't dare say the words aloud.

Cal looked relieved. "Are you sure? Will you be okay getting home? Okay. But we'll come and pick you up tomorrow. Toad, say goodbye to Auntie Lily." He waved Matilda's small fist.

"Goodbye, Matilda," said Lily, and gave her a tentative kiss. "Help Daddy look after Uncle Ethan."


	28. Chapter 28

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I think perhaps Lily always had a gentle and caring side, but some people don't like to show it in case it's thrown back in their face. Ethan has given her a bit of guidance, but I think most of the hard work has come from Lily.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I think if Casualty was on slightly later, Cal would probably swear a lot more often! But I think he'd stop doing anything for Matilda. One of the first things I loved about Ethan is his kindness. He was even quite kind to Cal about Taylor. (After hitting him anyway.) Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I read about funeral conventions in China and used some of it in the story, but Lily's funeral actually looked different from the ones I read about, so I probably haven't got it right. Children seem to love swear-words - it's almost like they know they shouldn't be saying it! Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you like this story! I'm sure Cal will do everything he can to help Ethan, though he'll have to be careful what he says as Ethan doesn't like it when Cal doesn't take him seriously. He's really going to need his brother!

 **Panicatcasualty123** , thank you for your review. I'm really pleased you like Cal and Lily's friendship. Ethan is going to need their support. I really miss Matilda too. I hoped Cal would change his mind or that Dixie would adopt her, but I think she was really just a lead-in to the Huntington's story, which is sad. I love Matilda!

 _Thank you to **903Connie101** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Alicia seemed surprised to see Lily in reception. "Is Cal still working?"

"No, he went home," said Lily. She took a deep breath, trying to screw up her courage. "I was wondering if you would like to go and have coffee."

"Yeah, that sounds good!" said Alicia. "I'll just text Louise and let her know I'll meet her at the pub later."

Lily's spirits sank. "You don't have to come with me if you already have plans."

"Oh, I don't really have plans," said Alicia. "It's just a normal after-work thing. But they'll probably stay for hours, so I might head on over there after we've finished. Unless you wanted to go and do something else."

"I need to go home after that," said Lily, who thought going for coffee was enough socialising for one day. "If you want to go and tell Louise in person, I'm happy to wait."

Alicia smiled. "That would be great. See you in a few minutes, babe."

Lily frowned. She wasn't sure she liked being called 'babe', but she thought Alicia might give her the opportunity to get used to it.

* * *

Lily bought two coffees and took them over to the table Alicia had chosen: a table for two in the corner by the window.

"I hope this is okay," said Alicia. "It's quieter over here and I didn't think you'd want other people asking to join us."

"It is perfect," said Lily. She had a sip of her coffee, realised it was much too hot, and tried to think of something to say. "How is your studying?"

"I think it's going pretty well," said Alicia, "though it's often hard to judge your own performance. At least for me."

"I would be very happy to test you," said Lily. "I helped Cal and Ethan prepare for FCEM."

Alicia looked confused. "FCEM? Cal and Ethan aren't consultants, are they?"

"They both failed the exam," said Lily, "but I hope that was not my fault."

"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't," said Alicia. "You can only do so much to help and you had your own exams to prepare for. But I'd love you to help me. Thanks, Lily." She reached across the table and lightly touched Lily's hand.

"I can help you now if you'd like me to," said Lily.

Alicia looked slightly taken-aback. "I… um… sure."

"Do you have a textbook?" asked Lily.

Alicia hesitated for a moment, then she pulled a book from her bag. Envy rose up inside Lily.

"Your… your parents bought you that book, didn't they?" said Lily.

Alicia nodded, her face lighting up. "My dad got it for me. I didn't ask for it or anything. I just mentioned it in passing and the next thing I knew, it arrived! My dad is so amazing."

"He sounds like a very kind man," said Lily stiltedly.

Much as her parents had wanted her to become a doctor, they'd never done anything like that for her.

Alicia gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "Oh God. That was so insensitive of me to mention my dad when you... I'm sorry, Lily. Forgive me."

"Apology accepted," said Lily. "Almost everyone has a father of some description. I can hardly avoid the subject." Lily picked up Alicia's book. "This is an excellent book. I'm sure it will be very helpful."

* * *

After about forty-five minutes of revision, Louise texted Alicia to ask if she was still coming to the pub and Alicia said apologetically that she'd better go. "Thanks for the revision session Lily."

"I am glad I was able to help," said Lily. She was slightly hurt that Alicia was leaving so soon and wondered if Alicia had always planned to leave this early, but a part of her was relieved. It was very tiring being sociable, especially after such a busy day at work. "Perhaps we could do it again sometime."

"Yeah, that would be great," said Alicia, as her phone started ringing. "Sorry. I'd better take this. See you tomorrow, Lily!" She lifted the phone to her ear. "Hey, babe. Yeah, I'm coming now."

Lily watched her go, then she reached under the table for her bag. As she did, she noticed something on the floor: a purse. Lily checked it was Alicia's, then hurried out of the café after her. She knew Alicia was catching a bus and she'd have trouble without her purse.

Lily hurried along the street as quickly as her heels allowed and was relieved to see Alicia sitting in the first bus stop she saw. She was still speaking on her phone. "It wasn't my first choice of how to spend my time – I really wanted to relax for a bit before thinking about revision! I'm a bit surprised she wanted to go for coffee anyway. I thought she'd want to be with Ethan as he's nearly her boyfriend."

Lily wanted to feel angry with her, but instead, she felt unutterably sad.

She'd got it wrong again. Everything she did was wrong.

Perhaps she would never learn. Perhaps she simply wasn't made to be a nice person.

Lily swallowed hard and walked over to Alicia. "You left your purse," she said shortly, thumping it down on the seat beside Alicia and hurrying away before her mentee could see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Lily!" Alicia called after her. She started collecting her stuff together. "Lily, wait! I didn't mean-"

But Lily pretended not to hear. She ran further up the road, waved urgently at a passing taxi and climbed into it as quickly as she could.

* * *

Cal looked surprised but relieved to see Lily on the doorstep. "Hey, I'm glad you're here. Ethan's taking it really hard. I don't know what to do."

"I doubt I will know either," said Lily. "But I care about Ethan and I want to be here."

Cal looked slightly shocked. "Do you mean you and Ethan are…"

"Not yet," said Lily. "I am in mourning. It feels disrespectful for me to be happy and I know I would be very happy if I was with Ethan."

"Lily, I do understand that, but maybe it's when you're unhappy that you need people the most," said Cal. "I know that sounds a bit weird coming from me. I mean, the last thing I'm going to do is _talk_ about my problems! But I still need people. That's why I have one-night stands. I tell myself it's just for fun, but it's really because I want to feel close to someone. I thought, when I found Matilda's mum, that I'd finally found someone I could be close to every night. But it wasn't to be." Cal looked sad for a moment, but then he smiled. "But I can't regret the time we spent together. Not now I have Matilda."

"I'm sure you'll find someone, Cal," said Lily.

"For now, Matilda is the only special person I need," said Cal. He smiled. "But thanks. I hope you're right." He gestured for her to go into the living room, but as she stepped into the light, he frowned. "You've been crying. Has something happened?"

"I... thank you for asking, but I don't want to talk about it." Lily brushed her hands under her eyes. "Is it very obvious?"

"I don't think Ethan will notice, but if you'd like to go and wash your face or whatever girls like to do…"

"Thank you, Cal," said Lily with deep gratitude and went into the bathroom.

* * *

Lily was inclined to agree that Ethan would be unlikely to spot the faint remaining signs of her tears. He wasn't wearing his glasses and his eyes looked redder than hers. Lily went to his side and kissed him on the cheek. "How are you?"

Ethan sniffed and tried to smile. "Never better."

Lily took his hand in hers. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I wish I had."

"Don't apologise. You don't have to spend all your time with me - though it's always lovely to see you." Ethan sniffed again. "Did you go home?"

Lily hesitated. "No. I… I went to have coffee with Alicia."

Ethan's smile was almost convincing this time. "Did you? I'm so pleased, Lily. Did you have a good time?"

Lily looked away. She doubted he would be pleased if he knew she had forced Alicia to spend the whole time revising. "I had a lovely time at the café with Alicia." And so she had: it was only at the bus stop that she realised the truth. "Thank you, Ethan. But I think we should talk about you. Have you managed to sleep at all?"

"I can't," sighed Ethan. "I just keep thinking about her."

Lily put her hand on his back and rubbed it gently. "Ethan, you must try to think of other things. You made a mistake, as many doctors do, but we caught the mistake in time. The patient is doing well. I know you are upset and I understand that. Your caring nature is part of what makes you a good doctor – and a good man. But you know what it's like in the ED. Things will always go wrong. No matter how hard we try, there will always be mistakes and tragedies. When that happens, it is very sad, but there is only one thing we can do – put it aside and move on. I know you can do that, Ethan. I've seen you do it many times. And you do not have to do it alone."

Ethan's eyes were shining with tears again. Lily's heart clenched. She hated herself for being so stupid and inadequate and just _wrong_. But then she realised Ethan was smiling.

"Thank you, Lily," he said.

He let go of her hand and gave her a hug. For several minutes, they sat silently in each other's arms, holding on tightly. Lily closed her eyes and felt comforted by his presence. Even if she had said the wrong thing to Alicia, she had still helped Ethan. She had got one thing right.

"I'm so glad you're here," said Ethan softly into her hair. And… I know it's too soon, but I want you to know. I love you, Lily. I always have."

Lily was the one who was close to tears now. She swallowed hard, not wanting Ethan to know but needing to speak. "I love you too, Ethan."


	29. Chapter 29

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you thought the chapter was cute.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you liked the end of the chapter. I just wanted to stir things up between Lily and Alicia a little bit as we're getting towards the episode where Alicia leaves the ED. Lily's relationship with her father is sad - and there's nothing she can do about it. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , it is very difficult to judge a whole phone conversation - or someone's intentions - from one overheard sentence. But it's still very easy to be hurt as a result! For me anyway. I'd love Lily to be my friend too. If I had to pick one female friend from the ED, it would be Lily. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan was sitting in the living room with Matilda in his arms. He looked pale and tired to Lily, but he was almost smiling as he looked down at his little niece.

"Look who's here, Matilda!" said Cal. "It's Auntie Lily!"

Ethan obviously didn't know Lily was coming. He looked up in surprise. "Hey."

"Hey," said Lily, and sat beside him. "How are you?" She kissed Matilda's cheek, then Ethan's.

"I'm all right, thank you," said Ethan. "It really helped talking to you last night. Are you okay?"

"I'm a bit nervous… I mean, I'm very well, thank you," said Lily.

Ethan smiled. "Lily, I'm nearly your boyfriend. You can always tell me when you're nervous."

Lily looked at him uncertainly. "But you're upset."

"I'm never too upset for you, Lily." Ethan took her hand in his. "Please tell me."

Lily couldn't resist those brown eyes. "I'm a bit nervous about seeing Alicia," she admitted.

Ethan smiled. "I'm sure there's no need, but I do understand. I was always a bit nervous after spending time with a friend for the first time. I was always a bit worried I'd been so completely weird, they'd never want to speak to me again. Unfortunately, it quite often happened."

Cal started to laugh, then quickly said: "Sorry. I wasn't laughing at you. Matilda just pulled a face at me."

"Don't you dare blame anything on your lovely daughter!" said Ethan, but he didn't seem angry or upset.

"Okay. I was laughing at you. But I shouldn't have," said Cal. "I'm sure I'd be exactly the same the morning after if I actually remembered the night before. But I'm sure everything's fine with Alicia. She's a nice girl. Very sweet and easy-going."

Ethan looked at Cal, his eyebrows raised.

"Not _that_ sweet," said Cal. "The only girl I'm interested in now is my little toad. Isn't that right, Matilda? And when it comes to women, I've always preferred 'easy' to 'easy-going'."

Lily waited for the familiar feeling of disgust, but it didn't come. To her surprise, she actually felt amused.

 _I think… I think I_ like _Cal_ , she thought in amazement.

 _But not in the way I like his brother_.

* * *

"Ethan seems better," Lily said on the way to work.

"You didn't see him before you got here," said Cal.

Lily tried to keep her voice from trembling. "You mean he was happier before I came?"

"No, no, of course not!" said Cal at once. "He was miserable before you came. He cried when he got up and he couldn't eat his breakfast."

"He… he cried?" said Lily, in severe danger of doing the same.

"Only a little bit," said Cal quickly. "And it might have been mostly from yawning. But he wasn't a very happy Nibbles. I stuck Matilda in his arms and that seemed to help a bit, but when he saw you, I was amazed at the difference in him." He touched Lily's arm again. "Please, Lily. Stay in my brother's life for a long time."

"That is what I want," admitted Lily.

"That's what Ethan wants too," said Cal.

* * *

Lily arrived in the staff room to find Alicia waiting for her. "Hi, Lily. Could we have a chat?"

"Of course," said Lily. "As your mentor, I am always available to answer any work-related queries."

"Oh, um, I actually wanted to talk about yesterday," said Alicia.

"There is nothing to say about yesterday," said Lily. "I had a very pleasant time in the café. But now we must work."

"I meant about the phone call," said Alicia. "What you overheard…"

"I hope you're not implying that I was eavesdropping on your phone call," said Lily acidly.

"No, of course not!" said Alicia. "I know you'd never do that. But sometimes you can't help overhearing."

"Even if I had, I would not be so rude as to mention it," said Lily. "Now. Perhaps we can get on with some work."

* * *

"Lily, are you going to the pub later?" asked Louise, when Lily arrived at the nurse's station.

Lily stared at her in surprise. "I…"

"Don't forget your textbook, will you?" said Louise, laughing. "We are going to do some _serious_ studying!"

Lily stood frozen as Louise walked away from her.

Robyn touched her arm. "Don't let her bother you, Lily, okay?"

Lily was tempted to give a chilling reply, but she knew Ethan wouldn't like that. "Thank you. I won't."

"I mean, I know you only wanted to help," said Robyn kindly. "It was a really nice thought and I'm sure you helped Alicia a lot."

"That is all I wanted," said Lily.

Robyn smiled at her, but Lily couldn't smile back.

Did the whole ED know? Had Alicia told _everyone_?

* * *

Alicia made several more attempts to speak to Lily and actually seemed quite upset once or twice, but Lily couldn't bring herself to do more than say everything was fine and it wasn't a good time to talk now.

She didn't want to hurt Alicia, but Alicia didn't seem to have any idea of how much she'd hurt Lily.

She'd really believed, sitting in that café, that Alicia might become the best female friend she'd always dreamed of finding but never had. As she'd thrown questions across the table at Alicia, it had thrilled Lily to know she was doing her friend a real favour. As Alicia had replied with enthusiasm, Lily had really believed her friend was having a great time.

But she hadn't been. She'd been bored and irritated and repelled by Lily's complete lack of social abilities. Just like everyone else.

It was a relief when Lily's shift came to an end. She waited for Cal in reception and tried not to let her hurt show when Alicia and Louise walked past, chatting animatedly.

Louise turned to wave goodbye to Noel and caught sight of Lily. She nudged Alicia. "Got your textbook? You can't have a good night out without a bit of studying!"

"Oh, Louise, don't," said Alicia. "It was really nice of Lily to want to help me. It was just her timing that was off."

Lily looked at the floor. Her timing was always off.

"Hey, Lily, ready to… are you okay?"

Lily looked up into Cal's concerned face. "I'm okay. I'm just… thinking."

Cal put a brotherly arm around Lily's shoulders. "About Ethan?"

"About… lots of things," said Lily, unwilling to use the man she loved as an excuse.

"You know, if you want to talk…" said Cal, as they left the ED.

"Thank you, Cal, but I don't want to talk," said Lily. "I just want to forget."

* * *

Matilda was sitting on Ethan's lap, her head supported by his right arm, gazing adoringly up at her uncle.

Ethan was smiling too and it seemed like a genuine smile, but it couldn't disguise his pale cheeks and red eyes.

"Ethan? Visitor for you," said Cal.

Ethan's smile widened when he saw Lily. "Hey, Lily. I'm so glad you're here. I promise I'll try to be better company this time."

"Ethan, you're always good company," said Lily, unable to understand how Ethan could doubt himself when he was with someone as socially inept as she was. "How are you, Ethan? I am not asking you in a social way. I really want to know."

Before Ethan could answer, Cal swooped down on Matilda, lifting her in his arms. "There you are, little Tilly-willy-woos! Daddy missed you!"

Ethan couldn't help smiling. "Well, I'm certainly feeling quite entertained at the moment."

Cal glared at him, though he didn't really seem angry. "You wait till you and Lily have kids! Come on, Toad. It's bath time! Splishy-sploshy!"

"I have to put up with that every day," said Ethan,once Cal had gone. "But I like it. It's good to see him so happy. How was your day?"

Lily swallowed hard and tried to smile. "You were about to tell me how you were."

There was a slight look of concern in Ethan's eyes. "Lily, are you okay?"

"I'm worried about you," said Lily shortly.

Ethan looked guilty. "I'm sorry. I know I'm taking far too long to get over this."

Lily reached for his hand. "You can't put a time limit on it, Ethan – and it only happened yesterday. I would like you to get over it and I'm going to do everything I can to help you, but it will happen in its own time."

"Yes, you're right," said Ethan, squeezing her hand gently. "But I can't just sit around at home and wait to feel better. I need to face my fears and go back to work."

Lily's heart jumped at the thought of Ethan being at work again. She was sure it could only be easier if he was there. "When you're ready, Ethan."

"Tomorrow," said Ethan. His voice probably wasn't quite as firm as he wanted it to be.

"Are you sure?" said Lily. "I mean, I do want you to come back to work. But I don't want you to put too much pressure on yourself."

"I know and I'm so grateful for your support," said Ethan. "But I really do think I need to go back now. I already feel more nervous about going back than I did yesterday. I think the longer I leave it, the worse it's going to get."

Lily could see his point, but that didn't stop the anxiety from pounding in her chest.

It wasn't that she had any doubts about Ethan's ability. But she knew that going back too soon could end up denting his confidence even more.

"And besides," said Ethan, relaxing slightly as he smiled at her. "I miss you."

Lily couldn't understand why anyone would miss her. "If you think it is time to go back, Ethan, then I will support you."

Relief filled Ethan's face and he put his arms around her. "Thank you, Lily. Thank you."

"I will always be here for you, Ethan. For as long as you want me to be."


	30. Chapter 30

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Cal is completely besotted! I'm still so sad Matilda turned out not to be his because no dad could have been more loving than Cal. It was especially lovely because it was so unexpected! Thank you for your review/

 **Tanith Panic** , I don't usually like baby talk either, but I do find it funny coming from someone like Cal and I'm glad you do as well. If it was Robyn, I probably wouldn't bother to write it out because you'd expect it from her. Someone needs to put Louise in her place, but I think everyone's terrified of her! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Lily was both pleased and concerned when she arrived at Cal and Ethan's flat the next day to find Ethan dressed for work in a shirt, jumper and smart trousers. He looked so adorable, it was all Lily could do to kiss him on the cheek instead of the lips. She longed for the day when she could show him how much she loved him, but she wasn't ready and she also wanted to wait until Ethan was in a better place.

Their first kiss as a couple should be a celebration of their love, not a consolation for the fact that their lives weren't currently perfect.

"So, you're going back to work?" asked Lily.

Ethan nodded. "I'm a little bit nervous. I don't want to make another mistake."

"There is no reason to assume you will," said Lily. "Though I think I would be nervous too. But are you sure you're mentally ready to come back?"

"I'm not sure, but I think that staying away for longer will make me more nervous," said Ethan. "So I've decided to go back today."

Lily slipped her hands into his. "Ethan, I know I'm not the best person to give support to another doctor-"

"Lily, please don't say that," said Ethan. "You're wonderful. I know you'll support me and I'm so happy and grateful."

"I don't know about that, but I will do my utmost to support you," said Lily. "If you are not sure of something, you can always ask me. I can't promise I'll know the answer and I'm completely sure you will know it really, but you can always ask."

Ethan shook his head and smiled. "I wouldn't dream of bothering you. But perhaps we could co-ordinate our breaks?"

"I would like that very much," said Lily. "But Ethan, you will never be 'bothering' me. I believe that is impossible."

* * *

Alicia was standing at reception with Louise when they arrived. They were chatting to Noel, who was loudly begging Louise to come back to reception. "You've got to come back! I can't cope with these agency receptionists. I don't know where anything is anymore!"

"You could always ask Rita," suggested Alicia. "She might be glad to get rid of Louise for a day or two."

Louise laughed loudly and pretended to slap Alicia. "Oi, you!" But she knew Alicia didn't mean it and she wasn't offended.

Lily felt herself tense. Alicia found conversations so easy. She must have almost nothing in common with Noel, but she knew what to say to him and she knew how to pretend to hit Louise and make it clear it was a joke. If Lily tried to do that, she'd probably have her contract terminated.

"Lily? Are you all right?" asked Ethan softly. He sounded concerned.

"Yes, of course," said Lily. She looked away from Alicia and kept walking, hoping they could get past her without being spotted.

They were almost level with the reception desk when Ethan nudged her and whispered: "There's Alicia."

"She is busy," said Lily shortly and started to walk faster.

Ethan glanced at her and she heard his intake of breath as though he was about to speak, but he obviously thought better of it.

Louise spotted them first. "Hi, Lily! We missed you in the pub. We hardly knew any of the answers without you."

"Oh, Louise, please don't," said Alicia reproachfully.

Ethan's eyes lit with interest. "Oh, do we have a pub quiz team? What a brilliant idea!"

"No, we don't," said Alicia quickly. "Ignore Louise. She's just messing around. I'll see you in a bit, Lily."

Lily knew Alicia was rescuing her from Louise, but even that hurt. She was so inept, she needed her mentee to protect her from the teasing nurse. "Try not to make it too long a 'bit', Dr Munroe," she said frostily.

Ethan's eyes widened, but he said no more until they were in the staff room. "Lily, is everything all right with you and Alicia? I thought you were quite friendly now."

"We are here to work," said Lily.

"Yes, I know, but as you're friends…" said Ethan.

Lily said nothing.

Ethan put his hands on her shoulders. "Lily, if anything had happened, you would d tell me, wouldn't you?"

"Of course," said Lily, and went to her locker. "Of course, Ethan."

* * *

"Lily, can we clear the air?" Alicia said, more than once.

"The air does not require clearing," Lily always replied.

She heard the old coldness creep back into her voice and she couldn't help feeling guilty as she remembered all the time and trouble Ethan had taken to help her to become a nicer person.

But perhaps it was impossible.

Lily couldn't help but be reminded that she'd withdrawn from others for a reason. She'd prioritised her work over a social life partly because she was expected to. Her father's standards had always been high and all Lily wanted was to make him proud.

But she'd been relieved to do it because she knew that prioritising her social life wouldn't do her any good at all. It didn't matter how hard she tried to get on with people. They didn't like her.

She had proved it when she'd gone for coffee with Alicia. An experience she knew she'd never repeat.

"Lily? Are you all right?" said Alicia, concern creeping into her voice.

Lily knew she was just pretending. How could she possibly be concerned about someone like Lily? Alicia was just being kind as she was to everybody. It didn't matter if they were intelligent or stupid; drunk or sober; as lovely as Alicia or as cold as Lily. Alicia liked everyone and they loved her in return.

"Lily?" said Alicia. She touched Lily's arm. "What is it?"

Lily removed Alicia's hand from her arm. "Nothing was wrong until you stopped minding your own business."

Hurt flashed into Alicia's eyes, but then she nodded and took a step away. "Of course, Dr Chao. I'm sorry."

Lily turned and walked away. She felt guilty for hurting Alicia's feelings. She really did.

But the pain Alicia had caused still ached and Lily was afraid it always would.

* * *

Ethan was waiting for Lily when she finally took her break – five minutes later than they'd agreed.

"I'm sorry I'm late. It was out of my control," said Lily.

Ethan smiled and gave her a hug. "You don't have to apologise. I know what hospitals are like! The patients have no appreciation of the doctors' social lives."

"I would say our patients come before our social life," said Lily, but then she saw the look in Ethan's eyes and made a sound of frustration. "You were joking. I am sorry."

"It's quite all right," said Ethan. "It is difficult to tell sometimes. Especially when _I'm_ the one making the joke. How has your day been so far?"

"It was fine."

Ethan had a look around. "Where's Alicia?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

Ethan took her hand and led her over to the sofa. "Lily… you can tell me what's wrong, you know. I'm your boyfriend – well, nearly – and I care about you. More than care. If there's something wrong, I want to help."

Lily's eyes filled with tears. "You don't want to know about this."

"Of _course_ I do!" Ethan's voice were soft but forceful. "There isn't anything you can't tell me. "

"I let you down," said Lily, struggling to keep her tears back. "You have been trying so hard to make me into a nice person and I made a stupid mistake."

Ethan leaned closer to her, his eyes full of concern – and love. "I'm sure it's not as bad as you think, Lily, but everyone makes stupid mistakes all the time. Particularly when they're under a great strain like you. You can tell me."

Lily didn't feel strong enough to resist. She told Ethan about going to the café with Alicia and the way she'd behaved. By the end, her tears were falling freely. She didn't dare look at Ethan, but when she finished speaking and sat tensely, waiting for his rejection, he wrapped his arms tightly around her and held her close to him.

"Lily, I'm so sorry that happened, but it really is okay. You didn't do anything wrong. It is very difficult when you socialise with someone for the first time. You have to find a common ground. You and Alicia have a common ground already – medicine. So it's natural that you'd start to talk about that."

"But she told everyone!" Lily sobbed into his chest. "Louise has been making comments about it ever since. Robyn was kind to me, but in a patronising way. It's as though she feels sorry for me. I am a registrar and she is a staff nurse and _she_ feels sorry for _me_!"

"I… um… I'm not sure your jobs are entirely relevant," said Ethan awkwardly, "and I'm sure Robyn only meant to make up for Louise's teasing, but I do understand why you're upset. It's always difficult when someone seems to pity you and I know how hurtful Louise can be."

Lily looked at him in shock. "Do you mean Louise has been unkind to you too?"

"Only a little bit. And not for a long time," said Ethan quickly. "Please don't worry about me. I'm very sorry they're teasing you – it's quite uncalled-for – but you did nothing to deserve it. I promise."

"But it is not normal to help someone revise when you go out for coffee," said Lily.

"It doesn't happen very often, but it doesn't make it wrong," said Ethan. "Alicia was probably surprised as she was expecting a chat, but I'm sure you really helped her a lot. I haven't forgotten how much you helped me. I don't even want to think about how bad my FCEM results would have been without your help. It is always hurtful to be ridiculed, whether you deserve it or not, but please believe me when I say you don't deserve it, Lily. You were kind to Alicia and no-one should ever be ridiculed for that." He kissed Lily's forehead and gently wiped her tears away.

"I feel so stupid," confessed Lily.

"I know, and I'm sure I would too," said Ethan. "But you're not stupid. At all. And I'm so proud of you."

Lily looked at him in amazement. "Really?"

"Of course!" said Ethan. "You've worked so hard to overcome your problems with Alicia and you've done so well in such a short space of time. It would be remarkable at any time, but to do it when you're grieving… I really am so proud of you."

Lily put her arms around Ethan and cried even more.

But not with sadness and humiliation. Not this time.


	31. Chapter 31

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you feel I'm writing Lily in a sympathetic manner - I think most people hated the way she treated Alicia and didn't have any sympathy for Lily.

 **Tanith Panic** , Louise does need to let it go - it's unkind and she's making everyone uncomfortable. But I don't think she's all bad - she's another person who could benefit from Ethan's confidence-boosting and social lessons! I'm glad you can understand Lily's frostiness. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **-rich** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Lily and Ethan met in the staff room at the end of the day. Ethan looked exhausted. He gave Lily a hug and ask how her day had gone. "You look as fresh as a daisy – or perhaps I should say a lily – but appearances can be deceptive sometimes."

Lily had never liked it when men paid silly compliments like that. She especially didn't like it when they teased her about her name.

But when Ethan said it, Lily found herself smiling and relaxing and even feeling slightly better. When Ethan paid her a compliment, she knew it was genuine and she knew there was no need to worry about his intentions.

"I'm fine, Ethan," she said, still hugging him. She reluctantly let go of him so she could look into his face. "But you look tired. Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine," said Ethan. "I'm glad the day's over though."

Lily gave him another hug. "It is over and you have done very well."

"Have I?" said Ethan dispiritedly.

"Tell me everything you have done wrong today," said Lily.

Ethan looked at her in surprise. "Excuse me?"

Lily tensed. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, of course not," said Ethan at once. "I was just slightly surprised."

"I did say something wrong," sighed Lily. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I am a bad girlfriend. It was a difficult day for you, but I gave you almost no support and I bothered you with my problems. I'm sorry."

"Lily, I told you, you could never bother me," said Ethan. "And I felt supported just knowing you were there. It made me happy that you confided me. It made me feel a little bit stronger. Cal was following me around all day, checking on me and trying to take over all my difficult patients. I do appreciate his thoughtfulness and concern very much, but it didn't really help me to know my brother was half-expecting me to fall apart. You treated me as a competent doctor and boyfriend and that was what I needed."

Lily wanted to believe him – and perhaps it was true. She thought that in a professional environment, it was more important to feel that the other doctors had confidence in her than to feel that they cared about her. Though she did like knowing that Ethan cared about her... "I only meant that perhaps if you told me everything that went wrong, you would see how little had gone wrong and that would give you more confidence."

"Oh, I see!" said Ethan. "I'm so sorry, Lily. I think my brain must be a bit tired. That's actually a very clever idea. And do you know, there actually weren't many things that really went wrong. I stammered once or twice (when Caleb was watching me, of course), but I managed to get my point across. I managed to knock a couple of my files off the nurses' station (also when Cal was watching me), but I was able to pick them up again. Oh, and I also made a joke about the upper arm bone being called the humerus, which didn't exactly hit the patient's funny bone, I have to say."

Lily laughed softly, then stopped abruptly. "I'm sorry. Perhaps I should not have laughed."

"No, you were exactly right to laugh," said Ethan, smiling. "I was trying to be funny. I'm so glad I succeeded this time."

"But nothing else went wrong?" said Lily.

Ethan thought. "Nothing that comes to mind. I mispronounced a patient's name, but that's not uncommon; I asked for a pregnancy test for a lady in her sixties, but I think she was quite pleased."

"Was she attractive?" asked Lily.

Ethan considered. "In comparison with the general public, perhaps yes. In comparison with you, not really."

Lily knew that, for some reason, he meant it. She put her arms around him and hugged him.

Ethan hugged her back. "So you're right. The day didn't go that badly at all. It went better than I expected. But I am glad it's over now."

Lily hugged him more tightly. "It is over now. And I am here."

"Aw! You two are so cute!" said a voice. They sprang apart to see Alicia smiling at them.

"Thank you for assistance today, Dr Munroe," said Lily icily. "Goodbye."

Ethan flinched just slightly and said: "Bye, Alicia."

"Oh… um… bye," said Alicia. She picked up her coat and seemed finally on the point of leaving Lily alone, but then she stopped. "Lily… I know you're angry with me and I honestly don't blame you. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wouldn't have told Louise if I'd known how badly she was going to tease you, but I'm going to tell her to stop. And I really hope we can be friends again because-"

Lily's eyes narrowed. "Do you honestly think I care what an incompetent staff nurse says to me? Or an incompetent junior doctor for that matter? I have told you before, Alicia, and I will tell you again. Please stop involving yourself in my personal life. It is absolutely none of your concern. When I was an F2, I had respect for my mentor."

"I do respect you, Dr Chao," said Alicia.

"Then please show it," said Lily.

"Yes, Dr Chao. I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow." Alicia slowly turned and left the room. Lily lifted her eyes to Ethan's face.

The disappointment on it made her gasp. "Oh, Lily. I know you're upset. I know you've had a terrible day. A terrible couple of weeks. You're going through so much and you've been supporting me too. But you can't speak to Alicia like that."

"I think you'll find I just have," said Lily.

Ethan looked upset. "Oh, Lily. I… I really don't know what to say."

"Perhaps there is nothing to say," said Lily shortly. "Perhaps I am simply not a nice person and you have wasted your time with me."

Ethan shook his head. "Of course I haven't. You're lovely, Lily. But you're under so much stress. It is going to affect you sometimes."

"The sooner she finishes her placement here, the better!" snapped Lily.

"Okay. I think you'd better go home," said Ethan gently. "You've reached breaking point and it's really not surprising after everything you've been through - and I didn't help matters by reaching breaking point myself. Come on, Lily. I'll take you home. It's okay."

"I can go home by myself!" Lily flung at him and hurried out of the ED, desperately fighting tears.

It was over. She'd ruined it.

She'd really thought she was getting better at speaking to people, but it had all been an illusion. She was still the same horrible person underneath and Ethan would never love her again. They would never have their first kiss as a couple. They would never go on their first date.

Lily tried to control her tears enough to phone for a taxi, asking it to pick her up some distance from the ED. She couldn't resist anyone coming out and seeing her.

She also didn't want to see Ethan. She knew she wouldn't be able to cope with the moment when he turned away from her in disgust.

 _It's over… everything is over…_

Then she heard a voice calling her name. A hand touched her arm and she turned to see a handsome face and concerned brown eyes.

"Lily, I'm sorry," said Ethan. "I did think you were a little bit hard on Alicia, but that's no excuse for me to be hard on you."

"Perhaps there is an excuse," said Lily, wiping her eyes. "Perhaps I deserve it."

"Oh, no!" said Ethan at once. He wrapped her tightly in his arms. "You only deserve happiness and success – and I believe you'll find it. As a doctor… as a mentor… as my girlfriend." He kissed her forehead. "Come on, Lily. I'll take you home and maybe we can get a takeaway? Then I hope you'll get an early night. You're exhausted, sweetheart. And you know everything I've taught you about being kind to people?"

Lily nodded.

"You need to apply that to yourself too."

* * *

Lily sighed and put down the chip she'd been struggling to eat. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm not hungry."

Ethan looked concerned but understanding. "It is difficult to eat sometimes after a difficult day. Don't worry. I'll eat as much as I can, then we'll throw the rest away."

"What do I do next time?" said Lily hopelessly

"Um… do you mean what do you do next time you're on your own and there's no-one to finish the takeaway for you?"

He was wrong and Lily often find it irritating when people didn't understand her, partly because she was secretly afraid it was her fault, but it was sweet when it was Ethan.

She thought for a moment, trying to remember what Ethan said when someone misunderstood him.

He would frame his answer in a way that implied that the incorrect assumption was reasonable and actually quite important.

"That is obviously a concern," said Lily, "and for that reason, I will have to make sure I invite you every time I have a takeaway." She noted Ethan's smile with relief. "But I was wondering what I should do if Alicia continues to bother me on the subject of the café."

"The trouble is, when you respond aggressively, I think Alicia assumes it's because she hurt your feelings," said Ethan. "And she really wants to put that right. She's very sweet, but she has social problems too in her own way. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her that trying to talk to you about it is going to make it worse."

"So what do I do?" said Lily. "Should I tell her she makes me angry?"

"No, I, um, wouldn't recommend that," said Ethan. "Then she'll want to make up for that too. I think it might be best if you tell Alicia that everything is fine and there's no need to worry, so let's draw a line under the incident and move on."

Lily thought about this, then she smiled and gave Ethan a hug. "Thank you. That is very good advice and I will do that. I'm glad you're here, Ethan."

"I'm glad I'm here too," said Ethan. "Very glad."


	32. Chapter 32

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. It's a shame Ethan didn't give Lily more support in the episodes, but Matilda arrived on the day Lily's dad died, so he was understandably very distracted! I think they'd be a great couple.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you liked it! Lily can sometimes say things sometimes that sound wrong, but that doesn't necessarily mean her intentions are bad. She likes to get to the heart of a problem and solve it. I wonder if Alicia's current behaviour might inspire your fly-swatting desires?

* * *

Lily tried not to feel pleased when she heard that Connie wanted to speak to Alicia.

Not that Lily wanted Alicia to be in trouble, but it tore her apart to see Alicia so popular and loved with no apparent effort, while Lily worked so hard to do the right thing without success.

She'd done what Ethan had suggested, asking Alicia if they could draw a line under the café incident and move on. Alicia had seemed delighted with this proposal and had not referred to the incident again.

The trouble was, she seemed to think moving on meant that they were now friends and therefore Lily wanted to listen to her ceaseless chatter all day long.

"Guess what!" said Alicia when she returned. "Mrs Beauchamp's reconsidering signing off my application for the exam!"

Lily felt physical pain. Alicia would probably pass first time and go shooting up to consultant, leaving Lily trailing in her dust.

"Good news, isn't it?" said Alicia, clearly delighted.

"The best," said Lily flatly.

Lily knew, deep in her heart, that Alicia wasn't crowing about it; that she was overwhelmingly happy and probably hadn't even considered that she might be hurting Lily – but it did hurt.

 _I want Ethan_ , thought Lily. _I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me I'm still a good doctor._

She held out the top file without looking at Alicia. "Teenage boy. With Charlie."

"Um, sorry, Alicia." It was Robyn. "Could you just sign that for me, please?"

Alicia felt in her pocket for a pen. Then she checked her other pocket.

Lily tried to hide the emotions whirling inside her as she held out a pen to Alicia.

"Cheers," said Alicia as she took the pen.

Alicia was incompetent. She was unprofessional. All doctors should carry at least one pen and they should not speak so colloquially, particularly not to a senior doctor.

But that didn't matter. Alicia was a nice person and that was enough.

Lily walked away and Robyn had to step aside to let her pass.

"Such warmth and humanity," she heard Robyn say.

Robyn was one of the kindest, most understanding people in the ED. Not even she could see any good in Lily.

"No, she's all right, deep down," said Alicia.

They started to giggle.

About Lily.

* * *

"Good news. No breaks," Alicia was saying as Lily approached. "So we'll just relieve the little clots and you'll be good to go."

Her voice sounded so bright and animated. Lily knew hers was neither.

"Oh, this is Dr Chao," said Alicia. "She's one of our registrars here."

Lily looked at the tablet as she checked Alicia had got the diagnosis right.

"Right. And we're all set up," said Charlie.

Alicia looked nervously at Charlie. "I've never actually trephined here before. Would you mind, Charlie?"

Lily's heart twisted. Why was she asking Charlie? "You ask me. I'm your superior."

Alicia's eyes widened slightly. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

"Actually, that's 'senior', Lily," said Charlie with gentle but clear reproof. "Not 'superior'."

 _And now I'm not even using the right words…_

"Could you talk me through it, Dr Chao?" asked Alicia. She looked slightly upset.

 _I didn't mean it, Alicia. I didn't mean to be horrible._

"It's a simple enough process," said Lily, trying to reassure her. She watched as Alicia began. "Slow and steady, please." She watched Alicia closely as she performed the procedure. It was clear she knew what she was doing. There was no need for Lily to say anything.

"Ah: there you go," said Alicia, with a smile for the patient.

"That didn't hurt at all," said the patient.

"You must be an old pro by now, eh?" said Alicia.

"Mum!" said the patient's little brother. "Can we go bowling?"

His mother gave him an angry glance. "Josh, please, can you stop being so selfish, just for one minute?"

"You know, there's a pretty great vending machine down the corridor," said Alicia. "I could show you it if it's okay with Mam."

Josh's mother nodded permission.

Alicia gave Josh a big smile. "Right, then! To the chocolate, young man." They left happily together, Josh completely comfortable with the woman he'd only just met.

 _How does she do it?_ thought Lily. _How does she know what to say? How does she make them love her?_

* * *

"How's it going?" said Ethan, when she and Lily met for their break.

"Not good," whispered Lily.

Ethan looked concerned. "What's wrong?"

Lily didn't want him to think badly of her, but Ethan was looking at her with his lovely brown eyes and she found herself telling him everything.

Ethan looked very worried once or twice, but when Lily had finished, he smiled and squeezed her arm. "It was nothing so very terrible. You've obviously been through a lot recently so you're going to struggle sometimes. I do prefer 'senior' to 'superior' because of the inequality implications of the word 'superior', but saying 'I'm your senior' does sound odd coming from a lady in her twenties and many people would find 'superior' perfectly acceptable. I'm sure you didn't mean it in an insulting way. "

"I was… hurt that Alicia asked Charlie instead of me," said Lily, her words barely audible.

"That's understandable," said Ethan. "I know you're proud to be a mentor and it's always difficult when someone appears to be brushing you aside. But I honestly don't think Alicia meant it that way. Alicia and Charlie were working together. You were observing so you weren't part of the team treating the patient. Alicia wasn't confident so she asked another member of her team. I'm sure it wasn't an attempt to undermine you."

Lily looked at the floor. "I felt so hurt."

"I'm sure a lot of people would," said Ethan. "It is very difficult. I actually had the opposite problem once. I asked my mentor to help me because, well, he was my mentor, and he told me I should ask someone on my team. I felt awful at the time, but there's not really a right or a wrong answer."

"This time, clearly there was," said Lily. "And I got it wrong. As I always do."

"No!" said Ethan, the expression in his eyes so gentle, but at that point, they were interrupted by Charlie.

"Excuse me, Ethan," said Charlie. It was clear even to Lily that he was asking Ethan to get out.

Ethan gave Lily an anxious glance. "Oh. Yes. Of course. I'll just, um…" He squeezed Lily's hand and left the staff room.

There was anger on Charlie's face. "The way you spoke to Alicia was unprofessional."

"I'm simply doing my job," said Lily, but his words hurt. She'd been wrong again. Everything she did was wrong.

"No, that's not what you're doing," said Charlie. "You're bullying her."

Lily just stared at him.

Charlie raised his voice. "I want you to think back to how you felt when you thought Ash was being unnecessarily hard on you. Remember how that felt? Both professionally and personally." Charlie's voice softened. "Don't be that person. That's not you. You're better than that."

Lily took a moment to get herself under control. "Dr Munroe is a capable F2 – and under my tutelage, she could be an exceptional one."

Charlie made no response. He just looked at her disapprovingly.

"Excuse me," said Lily, and walked past him.

Ethan was waiting outside. "Is everything all right?"

"I'm sure you heard most of it," said Lily.

Ethan looked torn. "I do think Charlie was going a little bit far. It's not a good idea to criticise a colleague in front of a patient, though you genuinely felt Alicia had made an indirect criticism of you. But I certainly don't feel the comparison with Ash is appropriate – reprimanding a mentee for asking the wrong person to supervise her is not on the same level as telling her your patient has died and it's her fault."

"But still did the wrong thing," said Lily sadly.

Ethan followed her. "We all do the wrong things sometimes. But you mustn't underestimate what you're going through, Lily. Losing a family member is devastating. You do sometimes lose sight of what you are. And being a mentor must be exhausting. But it was just a mistake. A mistake which we've all made and probably will again."

"So what should I do?" said Lily.

"I suggest you either apologise to Alicia or let it go," said Ethan. He smiled slightly. "I'm afraid it's another situation where there's no right or wrong answer. Sometimes an apology can clear the air. Sometimes it's better just to move on and not refer to it again. I think either would work with Alicia." He stroked her arm. "But please don't take Charlie's words too much to heart. He doesn't know the full situation."

"What do I do if Alicia appears to undermine me again?" asked Lily.

"Just take a moment and then let it go – for now," said Ethan. "Unless Alicia has insulted the patient, endangered the patient or shown herself unfit to work in any other way, there's no reason to say anything in front of the patient. It's only going to make the patient anxious if the team aren't in accord and you don't want that. Once you've left the patient, you can think over what happened and assess whether this is something you need to speak to Alicia about. Once you're calmer and away from the situation, you might decide it's not necessary. But if it is necessary, you can speak to Alicia privately. I don't think you lose anything by waiting."

Lily looked at him wonderingly. "How do you know this?"

"From my own experience, as a patient as well as a doctor, and watching other people," said Ethan. He smiled. "But that's not to say I always get it right. Just ask my brother!"

Lily looked at him in slight confusion.

"I always get it wrong with Caleb," said Ethan sadly. "Because he's my brother as well as my colleague, it's more difficult for me to keep my emotions under control and it's exactly the same for him. I always get nervous when he's watching me, so I struggle and then Cal tries to take over, but I always think he's implying I'm too slow or incompetent (which I probably am, when I'm with him), and sometimes harsh words are exchanged in front of a patient. It's wrong and it shouldn't happen, but I'm trying my best to overcome it."

"I am sure you will," said Lily. "At least you never get it wrong with the patients like I do."

"Oh, I do!" said Ethan. "I got it wrong yesterday when I made the joke about the humerus. We can't always get it right because we're human and patients are human. But every mistake is an opportunity to learn and every success is a confidence boost that tells us to keep going and remember this moment and use it again."

Lily gave Ethan a hug. "Thank you, Ethan. Now you have boosted my confidence – and I will try to remember it what you say."


	33. Chapter 33

_Sorry for not updating for ages. I'm ill. I thought I'd update this one as I have a couple of chapters already written. I'll try to update We'll Meet Again later._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm so glad you're feeling sympathy for Lily. I think most people were on Alicia's side when it happened in the episodes and I didn't want the same to happen in this story - not that the way she treated Alicia was right. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I have never heard 'senior' used in this context before, but I am very familiar with 'superior' and just saw it as meaning'above', like supertitles (the American for surtitles) or supervise. It's weird thinking of Rita as Charlie's senior! But I can see his point and I wish Lily had just said 'mentor'. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you like the way I write Ethan. He is such a lovely character so I really want to get him 'right'. I definitely want an Ethan in my life! At least one!

* * *

Lily arrived back in cubicles and was surprised to see the patients Alicia had been treating. They really should have been discharged by now. "Why are these patients still here?" she asked Charlie, wondering if there had been an unforeseen complication.

"Because I decided they should be here," said Charlie.

To Lily, his response seemed almost aggressive. She'd asked a simple question. She'd been confused and concerned, so she'd asked what was happening. She hadn't intended to criticise anyone.

She thought for a moment about apologising to Charlie but dismissed the idea at once. She owed him no apologies. Alicia, possibly. Not Charlie.

"Leo was complaining of pain," explained Lofty.

Finally, a nurse who was doing his job and telling the doctor what she needed to know. Lily looked gratefully at Lofty, but he was looking at the patient.

"Yeah, in his back," said Leo's mum, Irene. "And his stomach." She turned to her son. "Tell the doctor, Leo."

Charlie handed Lily Leo's notes. "Pulse is up at 90," said Charlie. "BP is okay at 120/60. Resps up a little at 22."

Lily looked around for Alicia. "Where's Dr Munroe?"

"She's not here," said Lofty.

Lily told herself Alicia might have a good reason for her absence. That was what Ethan would assume. Alicia might have got caught up with another patient – though most of the cubicle curtains were open and there was no sign of her.

"Leo, can you tell me exactly where it hurts?" said Lily briskly.

"My belly," mumbled Leo.

"I'm just going to have a little look," said Lily. She pushed his shirt up and pressed her hands against his stomach. "I can't feel anything untoward." She pulled his shirt down again. "I don't think there's anything to be alarmed about, but I'm still going to take some tests." It was likely to be just nerves about being in the hospital, but Lily thought considering the patient's history, it might be as well to make sure. It would probably be what Ethan would do for the family's peace of mind. "Lofty, can you get some Us&Es, LFT, FBC clotting and a group and save."

There was no response from Lofty.

Lily turned to him, rather surprised. She wondered if Charlie had told all his nurses about what she'd said to Alicia. "Anytime today?" she said. She didn't want to worry the patients by criticising Lofty in front of them, but Charlie and Lofty both had to know that she would not be bullied.

Lofty hesitated for a moment, then he muttered: "Sure," and walked away.

"What's happening?" asked Irene.

"Most likely he's just feeling a little bit nauseous. Nothing more," said Lily, still stung by Lofty's behaviour. It wasn't like him. Her phone began to beep and she quickly pulled it out of her pocket. It was her mother. Lily couldn't talk to her now. She couldn't take personal calls at work.

Guilt stirred. She had been avoiding her mother calls recently and it would give her a bit of time to herself. She could at least call back quickly and let her mum know when she'd be finished for the day.

And while she was gone, she would look out for Alicia and find out why she wasn't doing her job.

* * *

"He should be feeling better," said Irene, when Lily got back. "Not worse."

Lily had always found people like Irene annoying. The image of hospitals was that they made people better, but you had to work out which parts of the patient's body were malfunctioning first and the location of pain wasn't always an indication. The bloods often only provided a clue, not a diagnosis. Even once the diagnosis was made, there was often more than one treatment option to consider. Even when that was done, the results of the treatment weren't instant.

Why did so few people understand this?

"I want the other doctor," mumbled Leo.

Lily doubted the pain she was experiencing was really like a knife in her heart, but it still hurt. Rejected for her mentee. But she kept her face and voice impassive. If the patient wanted Dr Munroe, Lily would do her best to find her. "Lofty, can you put a call out for Dr Munroe, please."

This time, Lofty did as he was told immediately. The strength of Lily's relief surprised her.

"All right: nice and easy," said Charlie. "You're doing very well."

Lily wasn't sure what he meant. What was' nice and easy'? And he really wasn't doing anything but lying there. Lily didn't doubt he was feeling unwell and uncomfortable and that was a horrible feeling and she wouldn't have said he was doing _badly_ , but she also wouldn't have said he was doing well.

"His heart rate's up," said Charlie.

"I want to go home," said Leo.

Lily tried not to wonder if that was her fault. "Can I have another feel of your abdomen, please?"

"You've already done that!" protested Irene.

Leo sighed. "I want the nice doctor back."

"I think we all do!" said Irene, with an unfriendly look at Lily.

Lily's breath caught. They didn't like her. They really didn't like her. Despite her incompetence and her disappearing act, Alicia was the nice doctor.

Lily, who was here and doing her best and being very thorough, was… the nasty doctor?

She tried to speak calmly. "You fell while you were playing football?"

Leo didn't answer.

 _So you're not speaking to me, I'm so nasty?_ thought Lily.

"Leo?" said Irene anxiously.

There was another pause and Lily realised his reluctance to answer her had a different explanation.

He was hiding something.

"No," sighed Leo.

"What do you mean no?" said Irene.

Leo mumbled something about 'the climbing tree'. "I fell out."

"That's the first I've heard of this," said Charlie.

Lily felt that, once more, he was criticising her. "He's Dr Munroe's patient," she reminded Charlie. Lily hadn't been in a position to spot Leo was being untruthful until now.

"You fell out?" said Irene.

Lily prepared to feel Leo's abdomen again.

"I've told you not to go anywhere near that tree!" said Irene.

Charlie spoke softly into Lily's ear. "He's our responsibility at the moment."

 _Well, of course he is!_ thought Lily. _That is why I have taken over his care. That is why I arranged the tests. That is why I am double-checking his abdominal discomfort. I meant only that he wasn't my responsibility_ until now, _therefore it's not my fault we don't have all the information. Why does everyone always think the worst of me?_

She would ask Ethan later, but she had a feeling it was her fault.

"How tall is this tree?" asked Lily.

"Ten foot?" said Irene. "Maybe taller? I don't know."

Lily pressed her hands onto Leo's stomach. "Any pain here?"

Leo cried out in pain.

"Charlie? A moment?" said Lily, rather stiffly because she didn't want to be asking his advice.

"What is it?" asked Irene.

Lily didn't think she should tell her without discussing it with Charlie first. "Just give us a moment, please." She and Charlie moved away from the bed. "Call the lab and match four units of blood on group and save."

"What are you thinking?" said Charlie.

"I don't really know yet," admitted Lily. "Abdomen is tender in upper right quadrant. And we'll need a FAST scan."

Charlie started to walk away.

Lily allowed her frustrations to spill over. "Where the hell is Dr Munroe?"

Charlie didn't reply.

* * *

Lily approached the reception desk, looking from left to right. "Noel. Have you seen Dr Munroe?"

"Um… not since this morning. Why?" said Noel, looking concerned. "Anything wrong?"

Lily hesitated. She didn't really want to tell Noel anything - apart from the many reasons why it was unethical to discuss patient cases with the receptionist in front of the people in the waiting room, she knew Ethan wouldn't like her to complain about Alicia's incompetence to anyone else.

But she was touched by Noel's concern – which surprised her as she'd been so offended by Alicia's, but Lily was Alicia's mentor and that meant she was her superior… no, her _senior_. Noel wasn't part of the same chain of command. Lily did consider him her… junior (ridiculous as the word seemed when applied to someone who was old enough to be her father), but there was no danger of Noel turning out to be a better doctor than Lily. Accepting his concern felt much safer.

Apart from Ethan and Cal, no-one had else cared enough to ask whether there was anything wrong for what seemed like a long time. "If you see her, tell her I'm looking for her. Thanks."

"Okay," said Noel.

Lily was halfway back to Alicia's patient when it hit her.

 _Of course_ Noel wasn't concerned for Lily. Why would he be? He was concerned for _Alicia_. Because she was the nice doctor.

But as Lily returned to her patient's side and learned that Alicia had still not returned, she discovered that she might be a little bit concerned for Alicia too.

Alicia might be incompetent, but no-one could ever doubt her enthusiasm for the job. Only something serious would keep her away from it.

* * *

Lily was writing notes when Charlie came over to her.

He spoke in a low voice. "Look, I don't want you to panic-"

"What now?" said Lily. She hoped she knew better than to panic, but those words were never encouraging.

"-but there's still no sign of Alicia or Josh. Apparently, there was an incident in the ambulance station and Alicia was there. I don't have the details."

"Where is the boy?" said Lily. Alicia, after all, was trained in dealing with incidents. The boy was another matter.

"Well, once again-" said Charlie.

Lily sighed. He didn't have details. "Go and find out, please, Charlie. Josh was in her care. If something has happened to him…" She looked at Charlie.

If something had happened to Josh, Alicia would be responsible.

"I'm… sure he'll be fine," said Charlie without conviction.

Lily was wondering what to do next when she heard a voice close to her ear.

"Were you just talking about Josh?"

It was Irene.

Lily looked at her, unsure what to say. It was a horrible thing to have to tell a relative and she couldn't help thinking she wasn't the ideal person.

"Where is he?" said Irene.

"We don't know," said Lily softly. "But we don't know there's anything wrong. I have sent Charlie to find out more details. I'm sure he'll let you know as soon as they hear anything. Perhaps you should go back to Leo. It might be better not to tell him about this."

"I'll decide what to tell my own child, thank you!" Irene returned to her son.

Lily felt close to tears. _I said the wrong thing again. I was trying to reassure her, but I still said the wrong thing. No wonder my father wasn't proud of me._


	34. Chapter 34

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm sure Lily's dad was proud of her too, but he was probably very reserved and felt uncomfortable giving praise, just like his daughter. It is very sad what happened to Lily and she had almost no support. Thank you for your review.

 **Panicatcasualty123** , thank you for your review. I think a lot of people tend to assume the worst with Lily, which makes it even more difficult for her. I think she is always very tough on herself - she wasn't a good mentor to Alicia, but I'm sure she was trying very hard to be the best mentor she possibly could be. It's sad.

 **BlueSkiesAndInk** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story. I know the feeling when a story makes your heart hurt - it's really painful but kind of good at the same time! I don't quite like to say I'm glad I made you feel pain, but I'm taking it as a big compliment, so thank you.

 **Tanith Panic** , I was quite shocked when Lofty ignored Lily! She didn't say 'please', but I thought Lofty would let that go for the patient's sake. I was also surprised he didn't realise there was something badly wrong that explained Lily's behaviour, but even the kindest people have the occasional blind spot. Connie and Ethan knew about Lily's dad, but they had other distractions. I think Charlie was the only one who realised what was going on - and by then it was too late. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Lily was still fighting tears when she heard someone say her name.

"Lily!"

A moment later, Lily was being cradled in Ethan's arms. "Ethan? What are you doing?"

"I'm so glad you're okay!" said Ethan emotionally. "They said there was an incident and a doctor was involved… I didn't know who it was!"

"It is Alicia," said Lily.

"That's terrible," said Ethan, still holding her tightly. "But I'm so glad you're okay, Lily. If anything had happened to you…"

Lily closed her eyes for a moment. Just for a couple of seconds, she allowed herself to feel Ethan's love. Here was one person who didn't see her as the 'nasty doctor'; who rated her safety even above the new F2's. "Do you know any details?"

"Just that there was an incident involving a doctor and a crowbar." Ethan held her more tightly. "I know it's terrible no matter who is involved, but I was so scared it was you, Lily."

Lily hugged him back. "It's not me, Ethan, I'm fine. And I'm so glad it wasn't you. All I know is that Alicia was involved and-" She cut herself off quickly and lowered her voice. "And presumably, so was the little boy she was looking after at the time."

"Oh no," Ethan groaned softly.

"This could have a detrimental effect on her career," agreed Lily.

Ethan went still. He let go of her, leaving Lily feeling cold. "Is that all you're thinking of? Alicia's career?"

Lily looked at him blankly. "Alicia's career is important to her. Isn't it? It would be terrible if she lost her job because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Well… yes," said Ethan. "That is true. But I was thinking of Alicia's wellbeing and how distressing it would be to be caught up in something like that – with or without a child. I don't know much about the incident, but I know there are two casualties and they need treatment in Resus. Alicia was the only doctor there, as far as I can make out. It must have been terrifying."

Lily looked up at Ethan in consternation. "I didn't think of that, Ethan!" Her eyes filled with tears.

Ethan put his hands gently on her arms. "Hey, don't cry! It's okay, Lily. You were thinking as a doctor, which is exactly what you should be doing because we do need to do our jobs. I was less professional than you because I didn't know which doctor it was so I panicked and came rushing over here to find you."

"But she probably was frightened," said Lily. "And upset. Ethan, what do I do?"

"Support her," said Ethan.

Lily shook her head. "But I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make people feel better. My patient's mother asked me why I hadn't made my patient feel better. I thought she meant why hadn't I treated his condition yet. But perhaps what she meant was why hadn't I tried to comfort or reassure him."

"It's difficult to know what she meant without being there," said Ethan, "but there is every chance you were right the first time. A lot of people do come in here expecting instant cures."

"But what about Alicia?" said Lily. "I hope I wouldn't panic in that situation, but she is young and… she isn't very… I mean…"

Ethan's eyes were gentle. "You think perhaps she doesn't yet have the necessary skills and experience to cope alone in a situation like that."

"Yes, that's what I mean," said Lily gratefully.

"Perhaps she doesn't," said Ethan. "I'm not completely sure I would, to be honest. But whether she does or not, the one thing I can be sure of is that when Alicia comes back in here, she's going to be very distressed. She's going to need support from her mentor – and I know you can do it, Lily."

Lily looked at him wonderingly. "How can you know that?"

Ethan's eyes were warm. "I know because of the way you supported me when I was struggling."

"But you're my boyfriend," said Lily.

"And Alicia's your mentee," said Ethan. "One of the best things about this ED is that you never have to cope alone. Especially not when you're new and inexperienced. We're not just individuals working here, Lily. We're a team and when one of us needs support, someone is there."

"Then you look after her!" said Lily. "Please, Ethan."

Ethan shook his head. "I think you need to do this, Lily. You need to believe in yourself and you can't unless you prove to yourself that you can do this. And… um… I think it would be more appropriate coming from another woman."

"But what do I do?" said Lily in a panic. "What do I say? Ethan, I can't do this."

"I believe you can," said Ethan. "I really honestly believe you can."

Lily was shaking. "But what if I can't? What if I make it worse?"

"That's always a risk," said Ethan. "I know I've made things worse in the past. But if you don't try, Lily…"

"No, Ethan, I can't. Not on my own."

"Then I'll go with you," said Ethan. "We'll find Alicia and I'll stay for a little while and guide you. It can't be for long because I have patients to treat, but I'll be there with you for as long as I can."

Lily looked at him in wonder. "How do I deserve you?"

"By being you," said Ethan. He leaned forward and lightly touched his lips to hers. His face remained close to her as he looked into her eyes. "I love you, Lily, and I believe in you. Okay?"

"But will you still love me if I fail?"

" _Of course_ I will!" said Ethan. "As far as our relationship is concerned, Lily, you have nothing to lose because there's nothing you can do that would change my feelings. But as far as Alicia is concerned… you really could make a difference to her."

Lily nodded. "Okay. I'll try. I will try to support her."

Ethan's eyes were full of admiration. "I'm so proud of you, Lily."

His words might have annoyed Lily if she'd thought he was only saying it to make her feel good. But it really felt as though he meant it.

Ethan was proud of her.

It only made Lily more determined to do her best for him; to earn that pride every moment she could.

Ethan took her hand and they walked out of cubicles together. Lily still felt afraid, but she could feel Ethan's belief in her.

"We'll try Resus first," said Ethan. "They said the patients were going to Resus, so it's likely Alicia will be there, whether she's a doctor or…"

His voice trailed away, but Lily heard his unspoken words: _...or a patient._

Lily's anxiety for Alicia's welfare surprised her. She didn't like Alicia very much, after all.

Or did she?

As they turned towards Resus, they saw someone ahead of them. A blood-spattered figure in scrubs with blonde and pink hair.

Alicia pushed open the doors and entered Resus.

Lily caught a glimpse of Connie turning towards Alicia just before the doors swung shut. Her expression was full of ice.

"Oh gosh," said Ethan.

"I think perhaps that might be an understatement," said Lily.

Alicia came out almost immediately, tears running down her cheeks. She stopped when she saw Lily. "Dr Chao, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have… I'm so sorry."

Ethan nudged Lily and nodded towards Alicia.

Lily's eyes widened. She froze in fear. She couldn't do this. She wasn't that sort of person.

Alicia began to sob, her bloodstained hands over her face. Lily was surprised to feel an emotion she hadn't expected. It was so alien to her, she didn't recognise it at first, but could it be… empathy?

Lily reached into her pocket for her locker key. "Ethan, please go to my locker and bring me my bag. We'll be in the bathroom. Please knock on the door."

"Yes, of course," said Ethan, but he hovered uncertainly.

Lily hesitated, then put her hand on Alicia's arm. "Alicia, it is okay. I am sure it was a distressing experience, but I am equally sure you can learn from this and become a better doctor."

Lily looked at Ethan. Ethan mimed hugging someone.

Lily gulped slightly, then put her arms around Alicia. "Come with me to the bathroom. I will help you get cleaned up. It is okay. It is over now. You are safe. I am sure you did whatever you could for your patient."

Ethan smiled at Lily and gave her a double thumbs up. Lily was shocked by how good his approval felt. She put her arms more comfortably around Alicia.

Alicia clung desperately to Lily. "I had to do a needle thoracotomy, but there wasn't a needle in the van, so I used a pen!" she wept.

"What were you doing in a-" Lily stopped as she saw Ethan shaking his head. "Don't worry about that now, Alicia. It is not important. You were very brave and resourceful and you did your utmost to save the patient. As your mentor, I could not ask more of you. Please come with me now. Ethan, please do as I requested."

Ethan nodded and smiled. This time, he left them alone.

Lily kept one arm around Alicia as she guided her towards the bathroom. "Come on, Alicia. That's right. It's okay." She remembered what Charlie had said to Leo earlier. Lily still didn't know what it meant, but perhaps it would work with Alicia. "Nice and easy. You're doing really well."

Alicia didn't reply, but she seemed to relax slightly into Lily's embrace.

"I have got you," said Lily. It was staring the obvious, but apparently, that helped too. "Not far to go now." It seemed a silly thing to say when Alicia was well aware of where they were going, but it didn't seem to make things worse.

Alicia was still crying, but perhaps a bit more quietly.

They reached the bathroom. Lily pushed open the door, using her weight to hold the door open as she helped Alicia through it. She could see Alicia needed a shower to get all the blood off, but if she had a shower now, Lily would have to let go of her and that seemed the wrong thing to do.

She helped Alicia to sit down on the floor and put her arms around her again. Alicia's head fell naturally onto Lily's shoulder.

"It will be okay," said Lily. "It won't always feel this bad. But you are not alone. You are never alone in this ED."


	35. Chapter 35

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , it was horrible for Alicia and I don't think she got any support in the original episode - Lily and Connie were both furious with her and I don't think anyone else spoke to her. No wonder the poor girl left! I wasn't really a fan of Alicia, but I felt so sorry for her. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I wish this had happened too. Lily and Alicia were both so damaged by what happened. Lily is still suffering the effects of it all and Alicia has changed into a completely different person. I think kindness from Lily will always be genuine, but she really needs encouragement to show it. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Lily wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting there. Perhaps only a couple of minutes. Alicia was sobbing as she held on to Lily. Lily stroked Alicia's hair and kept telling Alicia she was there. It didn't seem to be helping, but Alicia hadn't pushed her away and that was probably a god sign.

There was a knock at the door, followed by Ethan's muffled voiced. "Lily?"

"One moment," called Lily, and turned to Ethan. "It is Ethan. I must go and speak to him."

Alicia nodded, sniffling.

Lily patted her arm awkwardly and went to open the door.

"Hey, sweetheart. Here: you'd better take this before I forget," said Ethan, handing her the key. "And here's the bag. Is there anything else I can do? Would Alicia like a cup of tea, do you think? And would you like one too?"

Lily considered. "I am not thirsty, but I think that would be a good idea for Alicia. Thank you, Ethan."

Ethan smiled and reached for Lily's hand. "I'll see you in a few minutes. You're doing really well and I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you," whispered Lily emotionally. She shut the door behind him and returned to Alicia, who was still crying. "Ethan has gone to get you some tea, but if you would like to have your shower first, that is fine. You should do whatever you need to do at your own pace." Lily sat beside Alicia and opened her bag. "I think I have everything you will need in here." She took out a spare pair of scrubs and a towel and put them on the heater to warm up. She placed a brush and her make-up bag on the floor and handed Alicia some tissues.

"Thank you," whispered Alicia shakily as she wiped her eyes and nose. Then her breathing quickened and she started shaking. "Oh God, Lily, I'm bleeding!"

Lily bent close to her. "I don't think…." She dabbed at the blood on Alicia's face with another tissue. "No, it is not your blood. It is the patient's blood. You must have touched your face with your hands. Don't worry."

"Oh, Lily, it was so awful. So awful!" Alicia burst into tears again.

Lily hesitated, then wrapped her arms around her. "I know, but it is over now. If you would like to tell me about it, now or in the future, then you can do that. If you would prefer to focus on something else, that is fine too."

Alicia cuddled closer to Lily. Other than Ethan, she was the only person ever to have done that. Once she'd got over the surprise, Lily discovered that when she could be completely certain her comfort was welcome, she was not nearly as afraid of giving it.

"A man drove up in a car and he was covered in blood," sniffled Alicia. "There was a girl with him. I tried to help him, but then another car arrived. The man got out. He had a weapon. I think a crowbar. He tried to attack the man who was bleeding." She shuddered in Lily's arms.

"It is over now," said Lily as soothingly as she could. "You are safe now, Alicia. You are with me. But please keep talking as much as you need to."

"Iain told me to take the man away and treat him, but they were blocking my way to the ED. I didn't know what to do, so I took him into the back of a van. I don't even know why! There were ambulances. Why didn't I take him into an ambulance?"

"Your priority was to keep the patient safe," said Lily. "I expect the van seemed like the safest place at the time. Your patient's life was in danger and I don't imagine you knew at that stage that he would need a needle thoracotomy. You were in physical danger and you had to think quickly. You did not freeze. You took the patient to a place of relative safety and treated him. That was the correct thing to do. I think you did well, Alicia. I would not say that if it was not true."

Alicia cried for a bit longer, then she sat up and started to dry her tears. "Thank you, Lily. Thank you for listening and being kind."

"You're welcome, Alicia. I am your mentor," said Lily. "There are times when I have to be tough on you. But now is not one of those times."

* * *

Ethan returned a few minutes later with Alicia's tea. "Um, Charlie was wondering where you both are."

"What did you tell him?" said Lily.

"That you were involved in the incident and couldn't be spared at present," said Ethan. "I hope you don't mind, but I've taken over Leo's treatment."

Lily looked at him anxiously. "I am grateful, Ethan, but I don't want you to overwork yourself. You work so hard already and you have to help Cal with Matilda too…"

"Oh, no, I'm fine," said Ethan, smiling at her. "I can easily take on one more patient."

"Thank you," said Lily gratefully. She took Alicia her the tea. "Here you are, Alicia. Be careful: it's hot." She returned to Ethan and spoke in a whisper. "I truly am grateful, Ethan. I do not wish to be remiss in my duties, but I can't possibly leave Alicia now." She returned to her normal voice. "Has there been any word on Josh?"

"Not yet," said Ethan. "A search is being made and Charlie has informed the police, but it doesn't seem likely that he was caught up in the… incident."

"That is good to know," said Lily. "Did you hear that, Alicia?"

"Yes," said Alicia shakily. "Thank you, Ethan."

Ethan smiled at her. It was so different from the smiles he gave Lily. "You're welcome, Alicia. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time."

Alicia managed a tremulous smile in return.

"And Leo?" said Lily. "How is he?"

"I did a scan and it looks like there's some free fluid in the abdomen," said Ethan. "I'm concerned about internal bleeding, so I've called for a paediatric surgeon to assess him."

"Thank you, Ethan," said Lily. "That is a great help and I'm sure your presence is very reassuring for the family."

Ethan smiled and leaned forward to kiss her.

Lily kissed him back. "I will see you soon. I love you."

Ethan's face lit up."I love you too."

* * *

Alicia finished changing into the pair of scrubs Lily had warmed up on the radiator. Lily was wearing her other spare pair – although the black top and trousers she was wearing looked immaculate, Lily imagined they were covered in blood and not very hygienic.

"Thank you, Lily," Alicia said softly. "I'll wash them and bring them back tomorrow."

"No, please don't think about that now," said Lily. She handed Alicia her hairbrush and make-up bag. "You are welcome to use anything you would like to use."

"Thanks," whispered Alicia. She tried to brush her hair, but her hand was shaking. "I… I can't do it."

"Come here and I will do it for you," said Lily.

She began to brush Alicia's hair briskly. The F2 flinched but said nothing.

"I am sorry. Was that too rough?" Lily tried with more gentle strokes. "I have never tried brushing another person's hair before."

"You're doing fine," whispered Alicia.

Lily was nervous at first, but gradually, she felt herself relaxing.

She'd always wanted to do something like this. It had always been one of her dreams. She'd thought how wonderful it would be to stay up all night, doing each other's hair and giving each other makeovers. Talking about attractive men and the latest medical advances. Alternating between romantic films and demonstrations of emergency procedures. It sounded like heaven to Lily.

Unfortunately, she'd never had the opportunity.

But perhaps, if she didn't mess up with Alicia again, the opportunity would come.

* * *

Lily had just finished applying blusher to Alicia's pale cheeks when the door burst open, crashing back against the wall.

Connie stood there. "What on earth do you think you're doing?"

Alicia's eyes widened with fear and she shrank closer to Lily.

"Right. Both of you. In my office. Now!" Connie turned and left.

"Oh no!" wailed Alicia.

"It will be all right," said Lily with a confidence she didn't feel. She quickly stuffed her make-up and Alicia's dirty clothes into her bag and picked up Alicia's mug. "Ready?"

Alicia looked as though she'd never been less ready for anything.

"I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. But it will be okay. I will be with you." Lily put her free arm around Alicia and hurried her towards Connie's office.

"Um, Lily?" said a voice from behind them.

Lily turned to see Lofty. "We are going to Mrs Beauchamp's office."

"I just wanted to say I found Josh and took him back to his mum," said Lofty. "He's fine physically. Emotionally, he's struggling a bit with Leo getting all the attention, but I think his mum gets that now so he should be fine."

"Thank you, Lofty," said Lily, and Alicia smiled faintly before echoing the words.

Lofty smiled. "You're welcome." He stood aside as Lily steered Alicia towards Connie's office.

"Sit down, Alicia," said Lily as they entered. "Try not to worry. Mrs Beauchamp is strict but fair."

"I'm really, really scared," admitted Alicia, tears coming to her eyes again.

"That's natural," said Lily. "And I will be honest: it will not be easy." She hesitantly took Alicia's hand in hers. "But I will not leave you."


	36. Chapter 36

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad Alicia is getting some support in this version of the story - she really did seem to have no-one in the episode! She might need Lily even more now they're in trouble with Connie!

 **Tanith Panic** , I had to give Lofty a moment! Especially after the way the writers made him treat Lily. I'm sure he felt guilty about that. I'm glad you think Lily looked after Alicia well - I hope she didn't go too far out of character, but I think Ethan's changed her. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"Right," said Connie, when she entered the office. "Dr Munroe. Stand up!"

Alicia stood shakily. Lily saw her knees shaking and was concerned she might faint. It had been a terrible experience and it would be unsurprising if there were physical effects, as well as emotional ones.

"Mrs Beauchamp, Alicia is very distressed. Perhaps it would be better-" Lily began.

"That will do, Dr Chao!" snapped Connie. "I am speaking to Dr Munroe."

Lily dropped her gaze.

"What were you doing outside the hospital?" rapped out Connie.

"I was looking for a patient," said Alicia. She corrected herself. "The brother of a patient. He, um, went missing."

"What on earth were you doing that for?" demanded Connie.

Alicia looked at the floor.

 _She can't do it_ , realised Lily. _She is too distressed by the incident._

 _So, what do I do? How can I help?_

"Dr Munroe? I'm waiting," said Connie.

"Dr Munroe took the boy to the vending machine," said Lily.

Alicia looked at her in horror.

 _I've said the wrong thing. But what is the right thing? What can I do?_

"I just… don't understand," said Connie angrily.

 _How do I make it better?_ thought Lily desperately. _What would Ethan say?_

"The boy was becoming restless," said Lily. "It was difficult for us to do our job and examine the patient, so Dr Munroe offered to take him to the vending machine. I gave her my permission."

Alicia gave Lily a look of gratitude this time.

Encouraged, Lily continued. "Unfortunately, Dr Munroe encountered a patient who required her assistance more than the boy. She left him by the vending machine, giving him clear instructions to wait. When she returned, he had disappeared. She had a-"

"Dr Chao, that's enough!" snapped Connie, and turned back to Alicia. "While there is no doubt you did an excellent job in a very dangerous situation, what I can't fathom is why you put yourself in harm's way in the first place."

Alicia began to cry quietly.

Lily reached out her hand towards her but received another glare from Connie.

"And this is after missing a potentially fatal bleed!" shouted Connie.

"I'm sorry," said Alicia in a trembling voice.

Connie gave an exclamation of disbelief.

"Mrs Beauchamp, the patient was untruthful about his symptoms," said Lily. "Dr Munroe could not have-"

"Dr Chao, for the last time. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it!" snapped Connie. She turned back to Alicia. "You leave me no choice. I'll have to launch a formal investigation into what happened today." She went to sit behind her desk. "I want written reports from both of you on my desk by the end of the day. Is that clear?"

Alicia nodded, still crying.

"IS THAT CLEAR?" yelled Connie.

"Yes, Mrs Beauchamp," whimpered Alicia.

"Dr Chao?" said Connie.

"Yes, Mrs Beauchamp," said Lily quietly. She told herself to contain her anger. It would not help the situation if she accused Connie of being unfeeling towards Alicia.

Was it really necessary for Connie to be so harsh?

Lily had a feeling Ethan would say no.

But if she attempted to point this out, it might make things worse for Alicia.

"Right." Connie dismissed them with a sweeping gesture. "Get out of my sight."

Lily put her hand on Alicia's shoulder and guided her towards the door.

"Dr Munroe?" said Connie.

Alicia turned.

"Forget about the exam!"

Lily closed the door behind them as Alicia burst into loud sobs. Heads turned, but Lily gave them a glare that she hoped might rival even Connie's. "Come on, Alicia. We will go to the staff room."

She hurried Alicia there as quickly as she could.

"Do you need help?" asked Lofty as they passed.

"No!" snapped Lily, before recollecting herself. "I am sorry, Lofty. No, thank you. I've got this."

Lofty smiled. "No problem, Lily."

Lily managed to smile too, despite her concern for Alicia. Whatever she'd done to upset Lofty before, everything was clearly all right now. She was glad about that.

Perhaps one day, with Ethan's help, she might even be able to work out what she'd done.

* * *

Lily sat Alicia down on the sofa and hugged her tightly. As Alicia cried, Lily ran her mind over everything she'd said to Mrs Beauchamp. Had she said the right thing? Had she made it better for Alicia? Worse? Would it have been better if she'd spoken up in her defence?

She had no idea.

 _I wish Ethan was here_ , thought Lily.

But he wasn't here – and Lily was Alicia's mentor, not Ethan. She would simply have to do her best and hope she managed to help in some way.

"I am sure it will be all right," Lily murmured as she rubbed Alicia's back. "I have been involved in an investigation before. It was very difficult because I had no support, but you have support, Alicia. I will support you. I am sure Ethan and Cal will too and so will Louise and your other friends."

Alicia didn't show any signs of calming down, but Lily told herself Alicia probably wouldn't be clinging to her so tightly if she'd done something badly wrong.

Lily tried to think of some comforting things to say. "There. It is all right. You have done very well today. Even Mrs Beauchamp said you were excellent in the medical situation. That is the important thing. Correct procedure can be learned. Natural medical ability cannot."

It didn't seem to be helping this time. If anything, Alicia seemed even more upset than she'd been immediately after the incident. A few people entered the staff room, including Ethan, but Lily waved them away. She was Alicia's mentor and for once, she would do her job and provide something other than clear instructions.

The proud smile on Ethan's face showed his confidence in her and gave Lily a little more confidence in herself.

 _I love you!_ Ethan mouthed as he closed the door.

"I am here, Alicia," said Lily. "I am not leaving you. I promise. If Mrs Beauchamp asks me to leave you, I will say no. My job is to support my mentee. If I left you, I would not be doing my job. So I am here." She paused. "But my job is not the only reason I am here. I am here because you are my friend and I want to be here."

"I am here, Alicia," said Lily. "I am not leaving you. I promise. If Mrs Beauchamp asks me to leave you, I will say no. My job is to support my mentee. If I left you, I would not be doing my job. So I am here." She paused. "But my job is not the only reason I am here. I am here because you are my friend and I want to be here."

At last, Alicia seemed to be calming down. As Lily wondered what to do next, an image appeared in her mind of Ethan's scrubs clinging to his bottom as he reached to get something from one of the cupboards.

 _Why am I thinking of that now? Even I know that is inappropriate._

Then she remembered. Ethan had been getting some tissues – which Alicia could probably do with now. Thanks to the mental image, Lily knew exactly which cupboard. She got the box for Alicia, pausing only to switch the kettle on.

"Here. Wipe your eyes," said Lily, pulling a tissue from the box and handing it to Alicia. She wondered if she should give Alicia privacy or a hug. Ethan usually gave her a hug, but Ethan was her boyfriend. Alicia was her… friend? So maybe that was different.

Lily decided to hug her anyway. She put her arm around Alicia and stroked her shoulder gently as she dabbed her tears.

"I'm sorry," sniffled Alicia.

"Please don't apologise," said Lily. "You've had a very distressing experience and Mrs Beauchamp wasn't kind."

"She was right." Alicia wiped her nose. "I never should have gone out there."

"It is a difficult situation," said Lily. "From what Lofty said, it sounds like the boy was extremely upset. Sending security after him would have frightened him. He needed someone he liked and trusted – which meant you, Lofty or Charlie. To look for Lofty or Charlie would have taken time. By far the most sensible plan was for you to look for him yourself. Ethan says he mostly follows procedure absolutely to the letter – as long as his brother isn't persuading him to do otherwise – but there are times when instinct and experience tells him that in this instance, following procedure is not the correct thing to do." Lily paused, aware she was about to say something she'd never really understood before. "Procedure is all very well, but our patients are not machines. They are human beings. And they are usually unwell, injured or very distressed human beings. We cannot expect them to respond in a particular way, so we must modify our behaviour to suit the situation. I am very bad at that, but I think you are very good at it."

"No, you're great," said Alicia. "Really great. I'm so glad you're here, Lily."

"I am concerned I said the wrong thing to Mrs Beauchamp," admitted Lily.

"No, you didn't," said Alicia. "I was a bit scared when you said I'd gone to the vending machine, but you explained everything really well. I think she was angry because you were explaining for me, not because of what you said." She touched Lily's hand. "Thank you for trying to help me. You were amazing and I'm so grateful."

Lily honestly didn't know what to say to that. 'You're welcome' seemed a bit brief and formal. "I am happy I was able to help, Alicia. Now, I know this is a horrible subject and I would rather not discuss it now, but we have reports to write."

A shadow passed over Alicia's face.

"Please don't worry," said Lily. "I will help you and you will be fine."

"I just… I don't know…" Alicia's eyes filled again. "I don't know if I want to do this, Lily."

"I know you don't and I think it is very unfair of Mrs Beauchamp to demand them by the end of the day, but that's what she has asked for," said Lily. "I think we really need to write them, but I will help you as much as I can. I promise."

"No, I mean…" A tear fell down Alicia's cheek. "I just don't know if I can do this! I was so scared and I couldn't cope and I should have realised there was something seriously wrong with Leo. I should have stayed with my patient. I got everything wrong today. Everything!" She began to sob. "I don't know if I can do this job anymore, Lily!"


	37. Chapter 37

_Just one more chapter to go after this._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Alicia really needed comfort in the episode, but no-one was there for her, so I'm glad I was able to change that. It was such a horrible experience. A couple of days ago - perhaps even hours - Lily would probably have been more than happy for Alicia to leave - but things could be different now.

 **TheBeautifulNerd** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you're enjoying this - there's no such thing as too much Lily! I don't like Alicia's new personality, but it would be great for Lily to have a female friend. She's so lovely and quite funny, if only everyone would realise it! I think they're both insecure under the surface.

 **Tanith Panic** , I did think Connie was very cruel to Alicia - it's not really her fault she got caught up in the incident and how could she have known her patient wasn't telling the whole truth? It's a horrible situation for Connie to be in, but Alicia was in a much worse one! I'm glad I sorted silly Lofty out too. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **pinkandpurplecherryblossom** for the follow._

* * *

Lily felt a moment's complete panic, then she caught Alicia in her arms again. "Of course you can do this job. I know you can. You managed brilliantly at the incident. Mrs Beauchamp said so herself. Not every doctor would remain sufficiently calm under that amount of pressure to do their job. Ethan said he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it – I believe he would, but he is a senior registrar and he still has doubts. Doctors are human too, Alicia. Just like our patients."

"But what about Leo?" wept Alicia. "He could have died and I missed it!"

"As I said before, it is very difficult when patients do not tell the truth," said Lily. "But I believe you would have discovered the problem at least as quickly as I did. For a long time, they were reluctant to talk to me because they wanted to see the 'nice doctor' – you. But-"

"Oh, Lily, did they really say that?" Alicia looked dismayed. "They were just upset. I'm sure they didn't mean it."

"I think they did mean it, but it doesn't matter now," said Lily. It still hurt, but Alicia's reaction was helping. "Leo told Charlie he didn't feel well and he told me enough to arouse my suspicions that something more serious was wrong. I am sure that if you had not become distracted by a patient in a life-threatening condition, Leo would have told you the same thing and you would have done the same tests and come to the same conclusions."

"I just… I don't think I can handle another day like today," confessed Alicia as she pulled away from Lily and got another tissue.

Lily nodded. "That is understandable. No doctor would want that. But days like that are rare. Even in our ED, where life is always eventful, I have not experienced anything like that before. There were so many exceptional circumstances. You happened to be outside the ED at the exact moment the incident occurred. If you had been later, you would have seen what was happening from the door and been able to alert security and other doctors. If you had been earlier, you might have missed becoming involved in the incident at all or again, you might have been in a position to call for help. The timing was very unlucky and the chances of it happening again are very small. But you coped, Alicia. No matter how unhappy you feel; no matter how angry Mrs Beauchamp might have been, you coped very well."

Alicia looked up at Lily. "So you don't think I should resign?"

"Certainly not!" said Lily. "I hope you will stay until the end of your rotation and and work hard and give Mrs Beauchamp no choice about entering you for your MCEM. We'll see if you can beat my exam scores. Once your placement comes to an end, we can stay in touch if you would like that and I will continue to help you."

Alicia stared at Lily wordlessly. Then she wrapped her arms around Lily and gave her a hug.

The first hug Alicia had initiated.

Lily hugged her back.

"Thank you," said Alicia.

"You don't have to thank me," said Lily.

"Of course I do," said Alicia. "And I'm never going to beat your scores, but I am going to try to make you proud."

"You have done that already, Dr Munroe – but I have no doubt you will do it again."

"Well, I have got the _best_ mentor…"

Lily tried her hardest not to cry with happiness. She knew Alicia might have said that simply to be nice, but it meant so much.

"So, I should write the report?" said Alicia.

Lily nodded. "What I suggest is that I will write mine first while you are recovering and drinking your tea. I will then borrow Ethan's laptop and type up your report. You may make any changes you see fit and then you can copy it onto a piece of paper."

Alicia looked shocked. "Oh, no, I couldn't let you do that." She paused. "But you'd really do that for me? Risk getting into trouble?"

Lily considered her question. "Yes. I think I would. But if you prefer, we shall both have tea and then write our reports. With your permission, I would like to check yours over: it is part of my job to monitor your written work. Does that sound all right?"

"That sounds good, Lily," said Alicia gratefully. "I don't know how reports are done in Holby and my brain feels a bit… you know."

"I know," said Lily gently. "Mrs Beauchamp frequently has that effect. Fortunately, I am cold and emotionless so I can be calm for both of us."

"Lily, you're not cold and emotionless!" said Alicia. "You're reserved, but that's not a bad thing. I just chatter on and don't stop and get on everyone's nerves! Not even I know what I'm talking about half the time. But you're always so calm and clear – and you're really lovely too. Ethan obviously adores you."

Lily nodded, unable to stop a smile from forming. "And I adore him."

Alicia gave a muted squeal – her throat was probably a bit sore from crying.

Lily tried not to flinch.

"Sorry, I did that right in your ear, didn't I?" said Alicia. "I'm sorry. You see: reserved is good. Reserved people don't shatter their mentors' eardrums!"

"But they do occasionally try to kiss them," said Lily, surprising herself. "I tried to kiss mine."

"Oh my God!" said Alicia. "Who was it? Ethan?"

"No. He was a consultant and he has left now," said Lily. "He was not always a good mentor for me – all mentors make mistakes. I believe I have made many. You and I are very different, but perhaps all we need is to meet in the middle." Lily paused. "And I think perhaps today… we have done that?"

"Yeah, I think we definitely have," said Alicia. She gave Lily a small smile. "And it's not such a bad place to be. I like it."

"I like it too," said Lily.

They both looked up as Charlie entered. Lily almost enjoyed the look of surprise on his face.

"I heard the two of you were in with Connie," he said. "Are you okay?" He looked more particularly at Alicia.

"I think I'm getting there," said Alicia. "Dr Chao's been wonderful. I couldn't have managed without her."

"I believe you would have managed," said Lily. "But I am glad I was here."

Charlie put his hand on Lily's shoulder and squeezed it. His eyes met Lily's. She saw approval and respect. "In that case, Alicia, I will leave you in Lily's _very_ capable hands." He left the staff room.

"He's lovely, isn't he?" said Alicia. "And he really does know everything." She paused. "Lily, are you okay?"

"I was asked to make you a better doctor, Alicia," said Lily. "I believe I have done that. What I would not have expected is that you would have helped me to become a better doctor too."

* * *

When Ethan stuck his head into the staff room twenty minutes later, he found them sitting close together on the sofa, both writing busily.

Lily, who'd heard his footsteps and instantly recognised them, looked up to smile at him.

Ethan gave her a radiant smile in return. He blew her a kiss and left.

"Oh my God! He is so adorable!" said Alicia.

"Yes," said Lily. "He really is."

"I don't suppose he's got a twin brother?"

"No," said Lily. "Just Cal, to my knowledge."

Alicia shrugged. "Oh, well. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually."

Lily smiled. "I'm sure you will."

* * *

Alicia was trembling as they approached Connie's office. "Do you think she's there?"

"It's impossible to be sure," said Lily. If Connie wasn't there, it was possible the office would be locked, but Lily hoped not. She hoped they could get through the day without Alicia having to face Connie again. For that matter, Lily would be quite happy not to have to face Connie, herself.

Of course, they would have to see Connie again tomorrow, but Lily was sure that would be easier. If Connie was still angry with them, she would show it with distant coldness rather than searing anger.

They just had to get through the next few minutes.

Lily knocked on the door and waited for longer than she would normally have done. She tried the office door and it opened.

"Dr Chao! Please wait for an invitation before you enter!" snapped Connie.

Lily felt Alicia shrinking against her. "I apologise, Mrs Beauchamp. I will come back."

"You might as well come in now as you've interrupted me."

Lily held out her hand for Alicia's report. "I will take them," she whispered.

Alicia gratefully handed hers over.

Lily walked into the office and held out the sheets of paper. "Reports from myself and Dr Munroe, Mrs Beauchamp."

Connie took them. "Thank you, Dr Chao," she said dismissively.

Lily left, relieved that Connie hadn't said more. She shut the door and turned to Alicia. "There. Now you must go home. It has been a very difficult day."

Alicia nodded. Her eyes were red and tired-looking.

"Do you live alone?" asked Lily, realising she knew very little of Alicia's home life. Perhaps she should have paid better attention to Alicia's chatter.

"Yeah, I do, but it's fine," said Alicia.

Lily shook her head. "I don't think you should be alone. You are welcome to come and stay with me, but I understand if you would rather be with Louise."

Alicia hesitated. "I'd like to stay with you, but aren't you seeing Ethan tonight?"

Lily felt a thrill of pleasure that Alicia would even consider her as a companion. "I'm sure Ethan would understand that your wellbeing is more important."

"No, I couldn't interrupt your plans with your boyfriend," said Alicia.

"I insist," said Lily. "Ethan will drive us to your home to pick up anything you need, then you will come home with me."

"Thank you, Lily," said Alicia gratefully. "But it doesn't seem fair on Ethan, and I think I should get an early night. So if Ethan wants to come too, you could have some time alone with him later?"

Lily smiled. "We will speak to Ethan. He might still prefer to give us some time alone, but he can always do some work in my bedroom. Not that he has been in my bedroom before. I mean…" She broke off awkwardly.

"It's not my business either way," said Alicia. "And please tell me that if I forget myself and ask."

Lily found herself thinking that if she did want to talk about Ethan to a friend, there probably wasn't anyone better to talk to Alicia.


	38. Chapter 38

_This is the final chapter - thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed or favourited. Thank you to **xMissWhitneyBexx** for the request - I hope you enjoyed it and I'm sorry it took me so long to write it._

 **Bonnie** **Sveen Fan** , improving Lily's social skills was part of the request, so I really wanted to bring Lily and Alicia together at the end and give them both a happier ending to Avoidable Harm. I'm really glad you like their friendship - and that you found Lily cute, which I don't think many people do. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. As this is the last chapter, there isn't really time for Lily to regret letting Ethan talk to Alicia, but Ethan won't be falling in love with Alicia in this reality! It would have been nice if Lily and Alicia had bonded in the series too, but perhaps it can still happen!

* * *

Louise was standing by the reception desk chatting to Noel, but she broke away as soon as she noticed Lily and Alicia making their way towards the exit. "Alicia, are you all right, babe?"

Alicia gave her a weak smile. "I'm fine, thanks, Louise."

"You never came back to work!" said Louise. She turned aggressively to Lily. "Why didn't you let her come back to work?"

Lily considered telling Louise it was nothing to do with her, but she knew Ethan wouldn't have said that and she didn't want to upset Alicia. "Mrs Beauchamp asked us to write a report of the incident and in any case, Dr Munroe was in no state to work," she said instead.

Louise looked at Lily in disgust. "Don't you ever think of anything but work? Her name's _Alicia_!"

Lily lowered her head, ashamed. She hadn't meant to say 'Dr Munroe'. It had just happened.

Louise gave Alicia a hug. "It's okay, babe. You're okay now. And I'm serious: you should put in a complaint against her." She sent Lily a venomous look over Alicia's shoulder. "Come on: let's go to the pub. It's just what you need after such a stressful day."

Alicia pulled away, looking upset. "Actually, Lily has been the most amazing support to me today, Louise. Without her, I'd have walked out those doors and never come back. I was considering giving up my whole career, but Lily was the one who talked me out of it. I know we've had our differences, but I don't care anymore. Lily is my friend and I really hope that will never change."

Lily heard Alicia's voice break and put her arm around her. "Of course it won't change."

Louise stared at the two doctors in amazement. "So, are you coming to the pub or what?" she managed at last.

"I… I don't think so," murmured Alicia. "I'm sorry. I'm having dinner with Lily."

"Seriously?" said Louise.

Alicia shrank back slightly and nodded mutely.

Louise shrugged. "Another time then," she said and walked off. Lily wondered in concern if there really would be another time. She hadn't wanted to come between Alicia and her friend

"If you want to go with Louise, that is fine," said Lily, trying to sound as though she really meant it, but she knew she would be sad if Alicia chose to spend the evening with Louise.

Alicia shook her head. "I'll only drink too much and regret it later. I'd rather just be with you. And Ethan, I mean."

Lily gave her a hug. It was a few moments before realised she was hugging Alicia in the middle of reception. Then she realised she didn't care.

"Hey," said Ethan's voice from behind them. He let his hand brush Lily's arm almost casually, but the look in his eyes felt far more intimate. "Are you ready to go?"

"Ethan, I've invited Alicia to stay with me," said Lily. "I don't think she should be alone tonight."

Ethan smiled. "I think that's very sweet of you, Lily. We can have dinner another time."

"I don't want to mess up your plans," said Alicia anxiously.

"We thought perhaps we would all eat dinner together," said Lily. "Then Alicia plans to have an early night, so we will have some time together then."

"Of course, if you're sure I wouldn't be in the way," said Ethan.

"If you are with me, you could never be in the way," said Lily.

* * *

"I'm so sorry," said Alicia as she yawned again. "I'm just so tired."

"Please don't apologise," said Ethan kindly. "You've had an exhausting day."

Alicia speared a piece of potato with her fork, then put it down on the plate. "Lily, I'm so sorry. I really don't want to be rude. But…"

"If you are tired, you must go to bed," said Lily. "I'm sure Ethan can finish your dinner. If you come with me, I'll show you to your room."

"Thank you," said Alicia with a grateful smile, but it was the smile of pride Ethan gave Lily that would linger in her memory.

Lily took Alicia into the spare room. "Here you are. I hope you have everything you need. Please ask me if there's anything else you want. I'll give you my spare toothbrush and find you a towel. Would you like a hot bath before you go to bed?"

"I honestly think I'd fall asleep in it," admitted Alicia. "But thanks for the offer."

Lily took her into the bathroom and found a pink toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet.

"Do you have a lot of guests?" asked Alicia in some surprise as she saw the number of spare toothbrushes Lily had.

"No, but I needed a new one and they were on special offer," said Lily. She went to get a spare towel from the airing cupboard and gave it to Alicia. "There you are. I'll put some tissues in your room, but if you are upset, please come and tell me. I want to help and it is not good to be alone when you're upset."

"I don't want to be any trouble," said Alicia, ducking her head.

Lily shook her head. "It is never any trouble to help a friend." She hesitated, then held out her arms. "Good night, Alicia."

Alicia hugged her tightly. "Good night, Lily."

* * *

Lily was in Ethan's arms when the text arrived.

"I'd better check that," she said reluctantly. "It might be Alicia. If she's upset and she's worried about disturbing us..." She picked up her phone and looked at it. It was her mother, asking her whether she'd chosen a gravestone for her father.

"Lily?" said Ethan anxiously. "What is it?"

Lily silently passed the phone over and began to cry. "I promised I would do it today, Ethan. I promised! But so much has happened."

"Yes, sweetheart, it really has," said Ethan, gathering her close to him. "You've been so busy looking after Alicia. But you can choose now. The day isn't over yet."

Lily sat up and took the book out of her bag. "I don't know which one to choose."

"Then I'll help you choose," said Ethan. "I mean, if you'd like me to."

Lily wiped her eyes. "But you didn't know him, Ethan."

"No, I didn't," agreed Ethan. "And if you don't want me to help you, that's fine. I'm not going to be hurt or offended. But if it would help, we could talk through all the options together. Or I can sit here in silence and just hold you. Or I can go and sit over there and get some studying done. It's your choice, darling."

"I would like to discuss it with you," Lily managed to say. "I would like that very much."

* * *

Lily looked at the picture of the headstone she'd chosen one more time. She fought back tears as she sent it to her mother. "I think that is the right one, Ethan. I believe they would both like that."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and Ethan held her closer to him.

Usually, Lily would have been studying by now, but she didn't want to move. Not when Ethan's arms were around her, holding her so tightly.

She could feel his love in every inch of the arms that encircled her; in the shoulder that pillowed her cheek; in the intensity of his gaze

When Ethan spoke, his voice was slightly husky. "I love you, Lily."

She could feel his heartbeat quickening as she replied: "I love you too, Ethan."

"But we'll take this at your pace," said Ethan firmly. "Until you're ready, it's our secret. And I honestly can't think of a lovelier one."

Lily lifted her head and looked him in the eyes. "But I don't want it to be a secret anymore. I want everyone to know how much I love you."

Ethan went still in her arms. She felt his chest expand as he took in a slow breath. When she met his eyes, she saw love and something more. "I am so happy Lily. I want to tell everyone too. I love you so much and I will do everything I can to ensure you're happy too. I know you won't always be happy because no-one is and you're going through so much at the moment. But I always be here to help you and support you and _love_ you."

"I will be here for you too," said Lily. "I know you can give me nothing but happiness."

"And I know you'll give me the same," said Ethan, and kissed her.

Lily welcomed and enjoyed the kiss, but as his hand trailed down her arm, she gave him an anxious look. "But I'm not used to relationships, Ethan. I don't want to move too quickly."

"Oh, no, of course not!" said Ethan at once. "We've only just got together and you're vulnerable. Perhaps I am too. I haven't had many relationships."

"You were in a relationship with Honey," Lily reminded him.

"But not like this," said Ethan. "I was infatuated with Honey and I suppose I'm infatuated with you too. But I also love you, so wholly and completely, with every part of me. When Honey left me, I was devastated, but I got over it. I don't know how I'd ever get over it if I lost you; if I couldn't see you every day; if I couldn't hold you in my arms and know that, for some reason that it still a complete mystery for me, you love me."

"Yes, I do love you," said Lily softly. "And I will tell you all the items on my list of reasons why I love you if you would like."

Ethan looked at her in surprise, then he smiled. "I actually have a list of reasons why I love you. It looks like another reason why we're perfect for each other. I love your kindness, your respectfulness, your intuitiveness, your empathy… there are so many things to love about you."

Lily's heart was singing. "Really, Ethan? Do I really have all those qualities?"

"All those and more, my darling," said Ethan, his eyes full of love.

Lily gazed at him, unable to believe this was really happening. "Are you going to kiss me, Dr Hardy?"

"Yes, Dr Chao. You really have made me the happiest doctor in the world."


End file.
